You 'N Me And A Cuppa Tea

MY Feature Video for IDA & Our 15th Wedding Anniversary!

2012-02-16T22:40:00.002-05:00

Hello Luvs...

Well, guess what? I'm really happy!! I have a few reasons for being so happy this day. First and foremost I wanted to let you know that the people from "INVISIBLE NO MORE TV" have really FEATURED ME on their website, You tube page, and their Facebook page! Also, the "Invisible Disabilities Association" is going to be putting my story up on their Facebook page also. Just for your future reference, in case you want to see these pages, I will first give you the YOU TUBE link so you can see my video that is "featured" on their website at: http//www.invisibledisabilities.org/invisible-no-more/invisible-no-more-suzanne-stewart/ **and then if you would like to see my story on their facebook page, it is at: http://www.facebook.com/InvisbleNoMoreTV .....and then soon it will be posted on their Invisible Disabilities Association Facebook Page at: http://www.facebook.com/InvisibleDisabilities

Also if you want it to be easy...just go to:

** http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=y6nHl5MsDV4

I know I've given you several places to go to see my featured video, but it gives you choices and I'm just really excited! LOL ..I also have put my featured video up on my blogs standing "alone" as just a video on my blog...

Also...do you remember????.... I think I wrote and told you that we received a letter from our Insurance company. I told you how they said they wouldn't be paying for my pain meds any longer after February 1, 2012? Well my wonderful Dr. wrote a "letter of medical necessity and it was "denied". Finally, he wrote a "BOOK" about me and all that I've gone through. He wrote about all of my injuries, surgeries, heart attack, stroke and everything that I suffer with. He wrote about my blood disease and Degenerative disc disease, RA and the most painful acquired Neurological Nerve disease that I got after my foot surgery in 2007; called RSD/CRPS (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome)...and even so much more not written here. He wrote also how it has evolved into "FULL BODY RSD/CRPS" since that time. Also called "Systemic" RSD/CRPS.

There have just been so many things that have happened that would really make the so called "normal" person "flip their lid" and I'm still holding on, still "NOT CRAZY" according to my many Dr's and Psychological testing that's been done through everything! I'm so happy to report that they have said "YES" they will continue to pay for my much needed pain medications as long as my Dr. feels it's necessary.

MY "2" daughters!

this is the gift I got from Craig for our 15th Wedding Anniversary this year on Valentine's Day!

Amy's gifts to US!!!

me!

Amy <3

Craig & I @ Red Lobster on our 15th Anniversary!

Craig and I sharing an Ice Cream Cone!

the 3 of us on Craig's birthday 2-5-2012!

I also wanted to let you know on another happy note, that my husband and I recently on Valentine's Day, celebrated our "15th" Wedding Anniversary! We are going to hopefully go somewhere light and fun over the Summer with our daughter, Amy. We will all celebrate together! It will be our gift to each other and our gift to Amy for her Graduation in May of her Master's Degree in Library and Information Sciences. This is what we all chose for a celebration of these milestone events that are so happy and exciting for all of us. There's nothing better than spending quality time together to renew a sense of love, companionship and family!!! I just wanted to say how proud I am of my daughter, Amy for this educational and personal success!! She's so intelligent and the most wonderful daughter anyone could ever have! My family which consists of some wonderful friends and these two loving people; mean the world to me..and they have the biggest hearts of anyone I know. I thank God for them every day and for the other daughter that I "lost" and that I also love, from the bottom of my heart and that love will never die!

Invisible No More: Suzanne Stewart

2012-02-16T22:06:00.000-05:00

This is the Video that is "FEATURED" on the "Invisible No More T.V." Website and on You Tube at their channel! Also they are featuring this, my video on their facebook page at : http://www.facebook.co/InvisibleNoMoreTV **and soon it will be featured on the Invisible Disabilities Association's facebook page at: http://www.facebook.com/Invisibledisabilities **
I'm really excited and I truly hope this will help so many who are in pain and need their stories to be told!

OMG~Don't Ever Ask "Can Things Get Any Worse?"

2012-02-01T15:20:00.002-05:00

Hello Luvs,
This time if you want to read something lite and cheery...you don't want to read my blog today. I usually try to write about happy times, fun times, good memories, trips, outings, kindness etc. But every now and then, I have to write about something not so happy, great or fun. Today is one of those days! In fact, my stomach is hurting as I'm writing this.
I thought I would get out for just awhile. You know, get out of the house and away from the "hum drum" of being a "pain patient" sitting at home most of the time. I gathered up my computer, my phone and my purse. I kissed my daughter on the forehead (she's in grad school and cannot be interrupted these days as she fastidiously does her last semester's work) and out the door I went! I am only able to drive 10 miles for "personal errands". My pain is such that it keeps me from driving any further because my legs, feet, knees, shoulders, neck etc all hurt from a MVA that I was injured in back in 2002 and then the several surgeries and many injuries that lingered afterwards. I also have RSD/CRPS(Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Complex Regional pain Syndrome), the highest form of Neurological pain on the "McGill pain scale" at #42, right up there with non-terminal Cancer pain.
Well, I arrived at my destination, which was a Panera Bread Cafe' just across the street from our home. I proceeded to walk in and this odd looking "character" of an old man, with a white beard and a disheveled appearance who was also walking with a cane, studied and watched me walk into the cafe with my own cane and my own set of troubles. He studied me and leered at me and it made me very uncomfortable, but I went inside quickly and got into the line after putting my things down at a table. I was in the line and I suddenly felt a "POKE" at my right buttocks! I turned around to look and this disheveled looking old man said to me "So...what happened to you???".....OMGosh....I was shaking I was so angry! I looked him and said "That hurt! You shouldn't go around poking people in the rear end with your dirty, wet cane!!!!!!!!"...he shook his head at me and said "that don't hurt!! I didn't hurt you! I only touched your elbow.....or meant to!" I said back to him, "Well, I have a Neurological Pain disease and "YES" it did hurt me!! It's very rude to do what you did to me!!!!!" He grumbled and stayed right where he was.
Then I get up to the counter to order and notice that this clerk named "Judie" is on duty and she's been very rude and mean to me and even my daughter in the past. She yells out our name when we walk in the door! She says "THE STEWART'S ARE HERE, GET THERE GOES THE SCONES"!! I'm thoroughly embarrassed! Then the next time after I'd told the manager about what she had done several times before, then we came in and she said something nasty to another clerk, a young man named "L." and it was nasty about "ME". I know this because I can read lips as I've been an Interpreter for the Deaf since 1980's! I told the manager about this and at first he told me "If you cannot tell me exactly what she said , then there's nothing I can do". I was furious and wrote to the "contact us" email address for the company "Panera Bread". I wrote everything that had happened. I told them I didn't want to commit to saying that I know exactly what she said about me, because I wouldn't do that unless I was certain of the exact words! The other clerk "L." looked at me sadly and shrugged his shoulders as he knew what she'd said and done. I even said to him "Please tell Judie that if she's going to talk about someone in a mean way, she should probably not to do it while the person she is speaking derogatorily about is standing right there in front of her!!!" The clerk nodded and tried not to get in the middle of it and that was really the proper thing for him to do.
So...this brings me back to today. I was walking into the Panera Cafe and suddenly I got that unwanted "POKE" in my behind from a "dirty old man"!! There wasn't much else I could do about him except for ignore him after that! But then to walk up and allow someone else to go ahead of me, in a kind way and without saying a mean word about anyone. Then to have Judie treat me badly once again...this is just uncalled for! I told the manager again for the umpteenth time, about Judie being unkind, laughing at me, saying things to other people about me, even other co-workers or just people in line! How unprofessional and HOW RUDE! So I don't know if Ben did anything or not, but Judie was still up at the counter laughing crudely and being herself when I went up to get a refill on my coffee. I tried to fill out a survey, but I'm not quite sure if it made it through to the Panera offices or not? Just as I was finishing up my survey and writing out my "story" of what had just happened to me at the Canton, MI Panera Cafe'...my computer got "booted offline" as my "30 minutes were up"!!!!!!!!!! I came in at 1:25 pm and it's supposed to only allow you online for 30 minutes between 11:30am-1:30pm and then it "kicks you off in the middle of whatever you may be doing". So I came in and got online at 1:25 pm, thinking that it's supposed to be over with at 1:30, so I should be OK. But no!!...I got kicked off as I was sending my complaint to the Panera higher ups! I was "kicked offline" for 5 minutes and then I had to sign back in again.
You know...this is getting to be much more trouble than it's worth for me. I think I've seen my last days of frequenting Panera Bread Cafe's.
Besides...while all of this is going on, I have in the back of my head, the possible ending of my pain medications due to the BCBS insurance co. wanting to stop paying for it.!! I was on the couch for 3 years after our MVA! I was in so much "chronic intractable pain". I had a hospital bed in our home, a "call button" in case I were to fall and not be able to get up, I would have this button on my wrist to push and it would call an ambulance to get me and help me. I wasn't able to drive at all for 3 1/2 years. Mostly due to pain issues, surgeries etc. I tried many different pain medications and they all made me ill. I didn't even take an Aspirin for a headache before that happened to me, so my body wasn't used to these harsh meds.
   So I did the whole Pain Dr route. I went through all of his shots, injections of epidural medicine, Psychological testing to make sure I wasn't the personality of a "drug seeker"; which I passed with "flying colors" and was NOT one. I got to the point where he couldn't help offer anything else to me except an Intrathecal pain pump. It is a pump installed under your ribs inside of the body and has a catheter that delivers morphine /pain medication directly to your spine. It is 1/300th of the amount of oral medication that most people in pain can take! The fact that I already had a pacemaker,made me really not too excited to have another metal box, the size of a large hockey puck, placed inside of my body, to give me more trouble, problems. My insurance company from the auto accident would NOT pay for it because although I was a "catastrophic claim", they just said "NO" the day prior to my "Pump trial" . I agreed to a "trial" just to see how much relief a pump would have given me. But they said "NO", so I will now never know. My regular health insurance also said "NO" also because they (BCBS) thought that "auto should pay" for it. So no one wanted to pay and therefore I was then stuck with nothing but to continue trying pain meds.
   Then I acquired RSD/CRPS, the highest form of chronic Neurological pain known. It is highest on the pain scale, right up there with cancer pain as I had mentioned already above. It's also known as "Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy" or "Complex Regional Pain Syndrome". My pain Dr. turned me back over to my GP Doc and told me that "this way I wouldn't have to see so many Dr's and my GP could consult with him on meds if he wanted or needed to do so". That was that and I was in the total care of the best Dr. I've ever known or had the pleasure to have my healthcare taken charge of by him. He is now the "eye in the middle of my storm"; is how he says it to me. There were so many Dr's and things going on , that it's just better this way to have one Dr only to be the one filling prescriptions and only one pharmacy to fill them. I prefer it this way so things don't get messed up, or confused and then the right hand never knows what the left hand is doing. So having one Dr. in charge of everything is a very smart thing to do and I'm lucky to have him.
He had me try several medications and we found something that finally worked but then I needed something for breakthrough pain. He found me something for that also. I was off of my couch in no time and doing things again with my family and able to do a bit at a time is much better than being unable to do anything, all of the time! My doseage didn't go waay up for a long time. I was on the same dose for 3 yrs. The insurance company had no problems with it. Then about six months ago after several times of my saying "no" to the Dr. offering that I could try a little bit more of the meds to help again because my body had gotten "used to" the amount I was taking and I was starting to feel more pain again. I was starting to stay on the couch and inside of the house again. So I relented and took a little bit more and things went along fine!
I started to take the generic in September 2011. Our insurance has gone down and gotten much less and our co-pays have gone up and gotten much worse! Everything was getting worse, including co-pays, paychecks were not going up ever and benefits continue to go down and down, thanks to our wonderful government (sarcasm).
The BCBS co sent us a form letter Jan 7, 2012. It stated that they were sending this out to all people on these certain pain meds and how they were "concerned" for people on these meds. Now mind you , it wasn't directed at me alone! It was a "form letter". They just want to save money so they don't care that I'm on the "cheap" pain patches or "cheap" pills for extra emergency pain either. They just don't want to pay anymore for the other breakthrough pain meds that I take on a daily basis so that I can function at least somewhat as a citizen of the world and in life.We got an appointment with my GP within 3 days and went to see him about this letter. He told me "not to worry" and he would take care of it and take care of me. He wrote a letter of medical necessity.
   We waited and waited and heard nothing. On January 30th, only 1 day before the insurance company said they were going to stop allowing me to take the pain medication that I've taken for now 7 yrs, we finally called my Dr again to see if he'd heard anything from them. He said that his first letter of medical necessity was "denied". OMGosh...my stomach dropped and I felt like I was going to puke. I am so afraid of the pain coming back in full force and worse and most of all going through the possible deadly and horrific, torturous withdrawls! Though I'm not "addicted" per se, I have a body that is "physically dependant" on those particular meds now and anything could happen if they withdraw them quickly!
   My Dr. then got an "Override" and wrote the BCBS a "book" about me and what's wrong with me and why I need the pain meds. Today is February 1st, 2012 and I still know nothing! That scares me because I only have a couple weeks worth of the medication for my pain left and after that I could : have a stroke, seizures, heart attack or even die!! I'm sure we will hear something soon. I'm sure in the next few days we will hear something. I hope they will pay for it still because I don't want to go through all of that and I don't want to be in the horrible pain again. It's still bad enough as it is, even with my medications.
We won't stop there. We will get an attorney and we will sit down with the employer for my husband. The person in charge of the benefits for medical insurance. We will talk to them, we will call the attorney general's office if we have to. We won't stop there either. I have a right to a life without suffering soo much. Who are they to say how much pain is worse than other pain? They are not medical Dr's and it's against the law for them to "practice medicine". Please pray for my Dr's guidance the guidance we need to get me the pain help that I need to continue on to have as good of a life as I possibly can with RSD/CRPS II full body along with all of the other pain issues from the car accident. Please say a prayer for me today, if you are a praying person. No matter who your higher power is, I beg of you to pray for something good to happen in my corner, for a change. Thank you for reading and I wish you all "no pain or low pain and a happy and good life"!
Love, Suzanne

Dear Karma......

2012-01-12T23:00:00.002-05:00

Hello all,
Well Christmas has past and I lived through another "family" event, occasion, and/or Holiday without my mom for now 10 years! Also without my oldest daughter, Jessica who's now going on 26 years old this May 22, 2012! That is going on 8 years this July 2012! Wow...time flies by when you look back but as you are going through it, then it feels like a snails pace!

I had a beautiful holiday season with my daughter & BFF, Amy 23 yrs, and my soul-mate/husband, Craig. The three of us get along really great and always seem to have a nice time whatever we do and wherever we go. What we actually enjoy most of all is getting our "P.J.'s" on and watching TV programs together on a cold Winter's night and with a fire going in the TV room too! Of course living together, people always get on each others nerves every now and again! LOL...that's just inevitable! But for the most part, we really have an enjoyable life and we are totally waiting for our Amy to graduate with her MA in Library and Information Sciences and get a full time job and she wants to get a studio apartment in Plymouth, MI; a little town near here. There are many old and large houses in Plymouth, which have an upstairs that they will rent out to someone for a minimal charge for this day and age!
I love her enough to give her the wings to fly away and grow up even more and be who she wants to be. I'm excited for her and for this for her! She also has applied to go to France to teach English to "middle schoolers"! She chose Strausburg, Dijon or Reims (SP?) for her three choices of the places she'd like to live. Then sometimes the places help her find an apartment and sometimes the teachers that arrive in France have to find their own little place to stay for the 7 months of the program/job.
Amy will find out in April if she is accepted, but I think with her 4.0 GPA in her undergrad English degree and her 4.0 MA degree program grades, I believe with the great letters of recommendation that she's gotten and her grades with experience; she's got it made! THEN the issue will be if she will actually go or not...LOL..she's pretty much a "homebody"and really enjoys being home more than going out. She has a few very very good and close friends which can mean much more than 25 social butterflies that claim to be your "friends". I've found that to be true also! One true friend is worth more than gold!
At this point in Amy's life, she has so many choices and "the world is her Oyster!" She has so many choices and so much ahead of her and I cannot wait to watch which roads she takes and how she continues to grow spiritually and in all ways. We've been through so much together, actually all 3 of us have been through so much loss together! It's brought us closer and has made us lean on each other and be pretty full of trust and love and hope for the future.
Well, I do have another story for you today! Along with all of these nice thoughts and feelings and as these past few days have gone by; something not so very nice happened the other day that I really wish to blog about.
I will make this as short as possible but just felt like blogging about it. We went for our yearly eye exam on January 4, 2012. The 3 of us all had our exams and it was $78.00 per person for the exams. Then when we were done and my daughter was coming out, they told her she had to pay a $52.00 fee for a "contact lens fitting" which she never was told about up front and which she would have declined had she been told because she is responsible for paying her own "out of pocket" expenses now at her age.

She told Dr. Cassidy (at the "Vision Center" in Canton, MI) that she was surprised and didn't have the money and the woman that was waiting on us told her that her old script from last year is "good for 2 years". We couldn't understand why then, would they do a "fitting" and charge a $50.00 fee for something that's good for 2 years and she'd just been there last year? Then Dr. Cassidy who has always been helpful and kind in the past; unlike his rude, crass and unpleasant office staff who we've complained about on many many occasions! He offered her to pay "half of the $50.00 fee". She told him she didn't want the contacts right then and he told her that was OK, but if she wanted her prescription, she'd have to pay that fee first and up front!

Their contact lenses are 33.00 per box. So we went to Sam's Club where we found out they charge only $23.00 per box of contact lenses!!! Amy decided to buy a years worth there because the price was so much lower! The Optician was named "Marie" and she was the kindest and nicest lady we'd seen in those past few days, for sure!! Marie called The "Vision Center" and "Ann" answered the phone. Marie asked Ann for Amy's prescription and said last years script was OK too! Ann told Marie that she was "the only one on phones and we'd have to wait a minimum of half an hour". Marie said "OK"..."even though they are standing right here with me, waiting for the fax"? Well, Ann then hung up on Marie!
Marie took her lunch at 3pm, which was the time by then. We looked around Sam's club for that time. We came back in 35-40 minutes and the fax was still not there and no one had called back either! Marie called them once more and asked about the fax. That time, Sandy answered the phones...hmm, obviously Ann wasn't "alone" on the phones! Again, poor Marie got hung up on! So she then called again and after almost an hour, they finally sent a fax. Yes, they sent a fax....a BLANK fax...with no explanation and they never told us or Marie that it was 2 years since Amy had had the contact lens script! So Amy called them the next time and Sandy hung up on Amy!!!!!!!!!!! Amy called back again and told Sandy that she just wished to pay the "half off fee that Dr. Cassidy had offered to her on Jan 4, 2012; only a week earlier. Sandy came back to tell her that she spoke to Dr. Cassidy and he "changed his mind" and she now had to pay the $50.00 fee which he decided to change to now $57.00 fee and then tried to make it look like he did her a favor by "only" charging my 23 yr old daughter $48.00 , out of the original $50 that she had been told it normally costs, but that he'd let her pay "half" of that fee! Amy was so upset by this time, she just wanted to be done and gave her visa over the phone! It was done! WE WAITED again....and we waited....and Marie finally called the Vision Center to ask where the fax was? Then Sandy told her in a very snippy tone "IT'S COMING!" So finally it appeared on the fax machine, Amy got her 23.00 per box contact lenses and they didn't even send a "REAL" imprinted copy!! Which means in order to buy any contacts in the next 2 years we would have to go back to their office to get the "true copy" with the imprint!
We were angry and upset but Marie had the best attitude of all. She felt bad for us and she wasn't too happy at how she was treated either! She told us "let's not be angry with them, Let's just pray for them to be blessed". She said "it sounds as if they "need the Lord so we will pray for them."
So after praying for them, I wrote my review on "Yelp" because I'm a two year "elite 2011 and 2012 Yelper"! I also wrote to the Better Business Bureau and I'm debating on writing to the Newspapers! I cannot believe this is the same Dr. we have gone to for over 15 years and who we have believed in and trusted. He's been an Optometrist who has always been nice to us and professional! His office staff (minus a couple of younger girls that were very sweet) has always been something to be desired and they are just plain nasty and miserable people.

One more thing I forgot to mention...these same women who have always had a chip on their shoulder towards us, & who also have been rude to me, personally in a couple of other ways! While we were in the office that day on the 4th of January; they were behind the desk rolling their eyes and giggling and making fun of me. I'm an Interpreter for the Deaf and can read lips very well and besides...you just KNOW....you just know when someone is talking about you and not being nice and making fun of you...I'm 100% positive. They also in the past have known that my dad and brothers are and always have been very abusive towards me. I've even had PPO's against my own brother! That's a whole other long story in and of itself, but I just thought I'd add that my abusive father decided to take over "MY" Dr.'s! He went to my G.P.!!! Then he started to go to Dr. Cassidy! They knew that my parents/brothers were and are abusive...These women know this information; yet they proceeded to always tell me "what a nice guy" my father is! They tried to ask me "how he was doing"? I wouldn't know!! I've forgiven but I have not forgotten. If he came to me with an apology today, I would even see him still, but he won't and I don't choose to be around people who are abusive towards me any longer in my life! Thank you for reading my 1/2 uplifting and 1/2 not so much, writings and ramblings today! Peace to you and yours! Love & hugs, Suzanne

My Family...I love them! ...and we're missing one and I love her too!

I am In Awe Of The Love.......

2012-01-05T21:54:00.004-05:00

my chemo angel buddy and I in AZ '09

**Hello Luvs,

I have a Carepage at : www.carepages.com/carepages/suzanneshealthupdate **Below is a letter that I wrote today to the people who have visited and who've written to me on my Carepage. Then below that is a note from a young girl who has been through the hell of "full body RSD/CRPS". She went to Europe to get the Ketamine coma. She is cured or in remission pretty much right now. I copied and pasted what she wrote because it moved me to tears. It moved me to "good tears"...and then I wrote back to her in the note that is actually first on here. I hope that my writing will "move" you and stir some good feelings in your heart as her writing stirred up feelings in my heart also! Then below all of that is a message from a former chemo-angel "buddy" of mine who answered on my posting on the carepage also. Thank you for coming to "visit" my blog..Please come back again.

I'm in Awe of The Tenderness & Love of Some

Hello all,
I want to thank anyone who reads my updates and who doesn't chooseto write and I want to say "thank you" from the bottom of my heartto those of you who write words of encouragement, love andperseverance. You are my "heroes"! I posted what one dear friendwrote to me, below. I re-posted this note she wrote to me on Dec29, 2011, because her words made me cry and I felt that she really"knows" me and loves me. She really "listens to me with her heartand her head"...she sees that I'm "NOT" stuck in the past or"stuck" in the bad things that have been done to hurt me. She seesthat I persevere and I reach out to others by running a supportgroup for about 600 or more people, who are also in pain. She seesthat I didn't stop Christmas eve, or sit in pain in bed all daylong On Christmas...She Saw that I ate the s'mores and I watched aChristmas movie with my family; the family that I love with all ofmy heart and who loves me back! She also saw that I did a video for"IDA or Invisible disabilities Association" and how it's all abouttelling people not just What I "WAS" before the accident, theinjuries, the pain and the abuse...but who I am now that thingshave changed for the worse in many ways.She sees that I take a badsituation and though I give myself a moment or two sometimes to"feel sorry for myself"...I always get up...brush myself off and Itruly DO "LET GO AND LET GOD" and I have those words hanging in myhouse by the back door. By the front door I have a picture of Jesusand a quote from ROMANS 12:12 that says "Do Not Be Overcome withEvil, Overcome Evil with Good"....and then I have a Picture of alittle kitty cat looking in the mirror, but what he sees in hisreflection is a big LION!!! That LION is ME! I see myself as thatLION persevering and continuing because as my therapist **(/Dr witha PHD in Mental Health who's known me for over 10 yrs) has saidthat he cannot believe that I'm not "dead or crazy for all thatI've been through and continue to go through on a daily basis"...Heknows and I think Lindsay here has known and read enough about mystory to really read into my true heart...the ones who know me bestand not see me as just "rehashing my "old" stories" and seeing thatas "making my pain worse"...they truly know that I cannot get awayfrom their abuse. They will NOT go away!! They get pleasure from mypain. I have to remember to BLOCK my cell pone through VERIZONevery 3 mos from the 5 phone numbers of my father and 2 brothers orit immediately starts again. I will never and cannot change myphone # due to the fact that "IF" my daughter ever wants me andwants to fix things..my DOOR WILL ALWAYS BE OPEN...as it will beopen always for Craigs kids too! My extended family finds ways ifonly through a postcard where you see a picture on one side and youturn it over and its filled with horror and obscenities andmeanness....then you cry a moment and toss it in the garbage orsave it to show your therapist/Dr!....Then I block them from Youtube and I find new comments (luckily I can moderate all commentsso they don't show up publicly, but I see them and then delete themfirst) that are again HORROR filled and meanness filled and full ofspite and lies that would really make an ordinary person succomb todesperation and depression (which I've suffered on an off with afew times)!!! Despite my attempts to keep them out of my life andkeep myself safe from these horrible and mean spirited events, theystill continue to change email addresses and they find me whereverthey can and I've had to get PPO's etc....these are not "normal"people...they are truly evil and sick...The holidays are alwayseventful because my mom died on Dec 22, 2002. They call onChristmas eve and leave little mean music or messages or anythingto try and throw me off or hurt me. I don't let it hurt me anylonger. I leave the answering machine OFF now when I know theevents will be picking up.
So as you see ..thats why IDA chose me to make a feature video fortheir "people who have persevered" TV page. People like me, whothey've seen go through some of the worst but try to keep up thebest possible attitude as possible. I also get a lot out of helpingothers. Maybe some of you don't know that I am and have been a"chemo-angel" for several years while I've also been disabledpermanently. I get assigned a patient going through chemo and Isend them only cheerful, fun, exciting and kind notes weekly andbiweekly sometimes! I send them small gifts in the mail to cheerthem up. I have them for months and months until they're finishedwith chemo....and then if they wish...they stay my friend forLIFE!!! ALL OF THEM, so far, have stayed my lifelong friends. Ilove them and they are near and dear to my heart. They NEVER Knowanything about me at all until AFTER they are done with theirchemo-angel program and decided for themselves that they in factWANT to stay my friend. Then when it becomes more of a two sidedfriendship, then I start telling them a little bit so they get toknow the real me also. I'm also a "card angel" which is the samething but I get another patient and i just sent that person cardstwice per week , sometimes once per week but no gifts because theywill have had another "angel" assigned to them for that...I also ama "special assignment angel" and I look thru dozens of daily emailsfrom the non-profit org and I choose who I can send somethinglittle to...either a card or small item that will cheer them.Sometimes they are little children or Seniors! I spend alot of mytime on my support group and trying to think of ways to help anyonewho needs my help as also I am a "MENTOR" for people with"RSD/CRPS" which is what I also have had since 2007/June. I set upa non profit CAUSE page on Facebook for Research, education andsupport for people living in chronic pain and especially RSD/CRPS.I raised about 490.00 this year and though it's not alot...I do mybest and the money then goes to RSDHOPE.ORG which is a non-profitorganization for the cause stated above regarding RSD/CRPS.
So you see...I don't wallow in my past...I bring it up sometimes incase there are new people who visit here and they don't know me ordon't know my story. I bring it up sometimes when I need a friendto tell me just exactly what Lindsay did tell me! I was in tearsupon reading her post. It is so touching and so "SPOT ON"...soPERFECTLY thought out and written as if she sees inside of my souland knows me only as my husband, my youngest daughter and myTherapist sees me and knows me....she gets it...She's been throughmore than most also and had alot of pain to bear...she luckily hasa loving, supportive and wonderful family made up of parents,siblings, grands, etc...and alot of friends! She is young but seesthings that others three times her age do not see or feel or"GET"...
Thank you Lindsay..thank you everyone who wrote and understands me.Thank you from the bottom of my heart! It means alot...I "let goand let GOD!" every morning when I awaken....but sometimes when itnever ends...never stops no matter how much I try toignore...that's when I get frustrated and turn to my Carepage andother friends...thank you again !!!
I thank all who come here and read....learn...feel better or feelsomething! I pray for all of those who come here and that theirlives will be fulfilled and they will not endure pain.
I may complain sometimes...I may seem like I am "giving in" or"giving up"...but NEVER....NEVER will I ever do that....I have myhusband, my daughter, Amy and my daughter Jessica is in my heartand soul forever "frozen" as that "little girl" who once adored her"momma" and "loved" her "momma"..and who even wrote a poem about meand for me for Mothers day and who even wrote a letter to GOD onetime to ask him: to "never take my momma away because she is theonly one here for me and my sister! If something happens to her wewill be alone and I need my momma...please don't ever take heraway! She's the best mommy ever in the whole world!"...
I remember those words and the words Amy still says today becausethat's what keeps me going. I'm a MOTHER and no one can ever takethat from me. Its the ONLY thing I ever wanted really bad in mylife, other than to teach Deaf kids and I got to do that also! Onceyou have loved and been loved by someone, that can never be takenaway and it stays in your heart forever. Even if that personchanges their mind and heart later on..your memories are always apart of you. I thank GOD every day that only my short term memoryis "in the toilet" (as they wrote on my Neuro-psych testing from myTBI from the MVA in 2002 and still the same today) and my long termmemory is in my heart and soul forever...and though the bad isstill in there, still sitting off to the sidelines...beingremembered every now and then brought about by a certain smell,sight or words..THE BAD does NOT OVERTAKE the GOOD! The goodmemories and love is what I choose to remember most....
I love you all who love me and come here for me,I love all whodon't..I love!
Thank you Lindsay & all!
Love,Suzanne(see below*Please see new pix in my gallery,a poemwritten by my daughter,Jessy, 1 yr prior to her leaving home.

the poem my oldest daughter wrote for me one year before she left and estranged herself from me/us in 2004

Posted Dec 29, 2011 10:18am
by Lindsay Spengler

Hey Suzanne,

Gosh, as I read your posts I just want to thank you. You aresuch a good testimony for all RSD patients. As difficult as it isto continue, to fight for everything you have. Though RSD doesaffect areas of your life even when you do everything you can tomaintain them, you never give your life over to the disease.

It is often so much easier to just say, "I'm not going to fightthis anymore. I'm simply too tired." You have never done that. Now,I know we all have our days... (oh boy, have I ever had "my days"where I am just tired. I wish things could go back to the "way theywere before" to what my life was before this disease, but thereality of it is we can't/ Focusing on what we don't have and whatwe wish we did, only makes us miss all that we do.

You do just a great job of focusing on your amazing husband,your wondeful daughter and the time you are able to spend together-like Christmas Eve. You focus on the s'more you made with them- notthe nausea you were facing, you were determined to focus on themovie not the pain, your family and not those that have left... Youdo the most amazing job at directing your focus.

I learned a long time ago that RSD will take whatever you arewilling to give over to it. There are parts of your life RSD willlie clam to despite your best attempts otherwise. But as I haverecovered I have learned so much about how our focus anddetermination has an effect on our quality of life. YOu can'tchange the pain or your circumstance, but you can change the wayyou look at them.

I love how you use this site as an "outlet" to speak what youare struggling with because we all need that. I have aneuropsychologist that helps as kind of a "sounding board". Butoutside of that, you do your best to focus on the joys of life andyou do an amazing job of that.

I know it goes largely, mostly completely unnoticed to thosearound you how hard you are fighting to do what most peopleconsider the most simplest of things, the things that are notdifficult to them. But know there are people you have undoubtedlyunknowingly touched...

You are such a great model for RSD patients to look and watchhow you are just not willing to give in and give your life over toRSD. That makes more of a difference than you will ever know.

You are doing such a great job and I just wanted to tell youthat today.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? TheLord is the defense of my life; whom shall I dread? Though a hostencamp against me, my heart will not fear. Though war arise againstme, in spite of this I shall be confident."

Psalms 27

*this is a post that was written by a dear friend also & I want to share it with you:

my chemo angel buddy with her daughter, and me and my family at our 1st meeting in AZ '07

by Sue Guenther

As a former recipient of your chemo-angeling, you would think Iwould be better at commenting in your guest book when you post. Andas someone who has had over 400 hits on her latest CB page entryand only ten comments in the guest book, you would think I wouldunderstand how important it is to respond when someone writes a newentry, thus baring their heart and soul. Sorry that I don't writemuch anymore...I find sitting in the wheelchair at the computervery painful, so I never stay too long.
Folks, I can tell you that Suzanne was a great Chemo Angel tohave. She sent me cheery notes and cards, lots of Tootsie Rolls,trinkets, inspirational sayings, jewelry, and lots more. She wascreative and fun and every time her family comes to visit AZ, mydaughter and I always tried to meet them at their favorite icecream shoppe.
To look at Suzanne, no one would think a thing is wrong with herphysically. She is beautiful, always nicely groomed, and always apart of every experience her family ventures to take. She is beyonda good sport, knowing that the pain of doing so much will onlyworsen, and yet she puts a smile on her face and continues on ingood spirits.
To see the love between Suzanne, her daughter and her husband isreally a gift to observe. They have a strong bond made out of love,not out of neediness or dependency. The share, they care...andthey're there for each other.
Lots of love, Suzanne. May the new year bring you less pain,more health, joy, laughter and love. Go with God!

My beautiful chemo angel buddy and her daughter with me and my daughter '09 , AZ

my beautiful chemo-angel buddy with her daughter and me in the middle in AZ '09

our very first meeting in AZ '07

Christmas "Present"....

2011-12-29T03:34:00.001-05:00

me ..Christmas past...about 1964

me Christmas past..about 1965-1966

my girls in Christmas past...1992

Hello Luvs,
I am writing to you because it's been awhile and I thought I would do an update. I wanted to let you know that I did post a video a post or two back. It's a video that I was asked to do by the people at "IDA"or"invisible disabilities association". They asked me to do a "feature video"about my pain and struggles and to show how people who are in much pain and suffering can appear 'Normal' & seem to be just "fine". If you'd like to look at it, it's only a few minutes long and it's close to near the post before this one.
   I wanted to let you know that I have fallen twice now in the last week. I was in our garage both times. The first was about a week ago and I was out of the car and going into the house but my right foot /leg wouldn't go up the step and I fell straight onto the hard tile floor in the kitchen. My right hip was hurt & so is everything else since then. I will most likely be wearing the foot/ankle orthotic braces again but had not been because they hurt the RSD and irritate and make the pain worse. I did get new ones that are not quite so painful so I will try them again.
   Well so now we're up to Christmas eve. Of all nights...we had gone to church and dinner and looked at Christmas lights. We were all getting out of the car to go into the house and somehow I tripped! I went to take a step and fell backwards on the cement floor! OMGOsh...it hurt soooo badly! I was trying NOT to cry because it was Christmas eve. WE are all that each other has in this life and I didn't want to ruin their Christmas! I love them so much. But I did hit my head and tried to hide that fact at first. The cement is pretty hard and it didn't let me hide for long!
   I hurt my back,shoulder,neck and other places as well. I started to feel very nauseated but watched a Christmas movie and tried to have a s'mores with my family, and have fun. I got a couple hours worth of sleep. I then awakened in the morning but myhead had been hurting all night and it was still hurting and I was still nauseated. I started vomiting and thought maybe I had the flu? But since I'd had the headache & nausea all night,I decided that it probably was from the fall. My head was hurting & burning too. The dangerous part of everything is that I'm on blood thinner,and if you fall it can be very dangerous!
   I was finally feeling better and we started our Christmas at about 2pm. We opened gifts and stayed in our PJ's all day, which is what we were planning to do, luckily anyways! Yes...we have no real family to speak of..as my husband's family has shunned him & treat him horribly. They didn't invite him to his own brothers' 50th birthday party...after we'd invited all of them to Craig's 50th party a few years earlier! He has lost his children just as I have lost one of my two children. His son was skipping school and doing illegal and immoral things/activities while in High school & living with us. We wouldn't allow that behavior but his mother did. So he moved out. He's never come back no matter how many attempts we've made to re-connect. Now he's about 30 yrs old and we have a granddaughter that we've never met. It is heartbreaking. My husband's parents invited us over so we went. Thought we'd try to talk to them. Because they (his sister's and brother) have all shunned him and befriended his ex-wife! They even celebrate holidays with her & are Facebook friends with her! It's so hurtful! It's just not right! MY husband is my soul-mate! He's a good,kind man. He is my life! When we went to his parents house we sat for 3 hours! This was after we hadn't seen them for years,except for our occasional visit to the hospital to see his dad for one thing or another.
So,we went over there and my husband was going to try to "talk" to them but it never happened. I sat in a chair next to his mother talking for a long while as he talked with his dad. I was in much pain so I said "I need to move to the couch now,I can't sit here any longer!" I got up to move and went and sat down on the couch next to his father. His father got up and moved away from me. I said "What? you don't want to sit next to me?" He said "No...I don't!" (How mean and rude!! right?) Later, I mentioned a book to his mom and wanted to show it to her,on my phone. She said "no Im not interested".
   I just closed my eyes and prayed for the time to leave. As we were getting ready to leave; his parents knowing full well that I am in constant chronic pain along with many health issues and RSD/CRPS!! They actually had the audacity to say "We don't want to go all the way up to Bay City for Thanksgiving or holidays anymore (that's where his sister lives with her family)..they said they "didn't like her in-laws" because everything was "about his mom"! Next,they actually invited themselves,his mom's sister,her n'air do well,40yr old son; along with my husbands' brother & his "Senior by about 20 yrs" girlfriend! THEN they also invited his other sister & her boyfriend!! *(this is the sister who helped turn his children away from him as teens and kept it going). But they had a lot of NERVE! They know that I'm in much pain...I just blurted out "I CANNOT DO THAT!" They invited themselves & others who haven't even tried to befriend or know us in over 15 yrs! Then they wanted it at OUR HOUSE and for US TO COOK it all! Then to WAIT on them hand and foot! NO WAY!! I wasn't allowing MY husband to wait on anyone when he does everything in and outside of our home and including laundry and cooking on a daily basis after working all day! I feel bad that I cannot do it now...but certainly that is rude of them to invite themselves and others who don't even truly love him or care about us; but just wanted a place for dinner! His mom stated "because we have the house that fits"...uggh!! We hadn't seen them in years due to the fact that they go to his ex's home for holidays and are friends with her! The woman who left him for another man, cheated on him, lied and then later turned his children against him along with his own family!! They allowed it to happen!
   I just wanted to let you know what happened...so we haven't seen or spoken to them again since that visit and probably never will. WE can forgive without having to put ourselves through all of that abuse again and again. We actually thought they were going to say "let's try and do Thanksgiving together and we'll try to get your kids to come too and get the family all together again"...but that's not what was their plan whatsoever!
Then of course we switch to the annual horrible,nasty phone messages and emails etc. from my side of the family which worsen during the holidays as usual. Just to catch you up, I grew up in a horribly abusive family. My mom died of colon cancer in 2002. My father & 2 older brothers have been more abusive to me since her death and have not been there for me through the car accident,the surgeries or injuries that followed; nor for my heart attack,stroke or RSD/CRPS! My cousin who is kind to me says that she's never seen a father and brothers who "get pleasure from someone they're supposed to love's pain".
    My father/brothers send abusive emails, phone messages etc. I've had to block them on my phone & online! It's horrible to deal with on a daily, weekly,and lifetime basis. It never ends & they helped to turn my oldest daughter away from me also. After I raised her myself for the most part..and was the ONLY ONE there for her always. I was at every school program,swim meet,honors day and everything anytime! I would leave work and bring her homework & then go back to work! I tried so hard to be the best mom I could be! But she turned towards the illegal & the immoral at about 15 yrs old! I couldn't stop her no matter what I tried! I couldn't believe that my baby would do anything like that. But then I saw first hand and & things got worse at home. She told people untrue things & it hurts so much! Her father (who was only allowed to see the girls with a supervisor because he was abusive to me,our Rottweiller and then he hurt another girl besides me. He was fired or from ever being a cop again! He didn't like having a supervisor so he moved a thousand miles away, to Maine. He didn't see the girls hardly at all but I still took the girls to visit his parents an hour away from our home. I didn't have to, but I thought they should know their grandparents. Little did I know that his parents would be "ringleaders" & hurt me even more!! It was a nightmare and still is. I "lost" my oldest daughter in Summer 2004. She never showed up when my husband called about my heart attack. She never called back even to see if I lived or died. I was told by several people that she said she "wishes I would've died in that car accident in 2004 and she was sick of my pain and surgeries" and "it was depressing" at our home because of my injuries!**she was already 17 when it happened and had started doing "bad" things at age 13!! I didn't want to believe it. She was my "baby" and I always believed she was "good".
She got married and didn't even tell me or invite us or her little sister! It's a mothers' dream to do all of that with her daughter. I feel so robbed of that dream & others! She's been gone almost 8 yrs now. I miss her so much! It hurts that she's friends with my abusers; especially my one brother who was in jail & charge with hurting his own daughter! A few times he'd been crazily sitting on our patio & wouldn't leave! More than once, we had to call the police on him to get him some help..she knows how they are so crazy and she instead sees them but not me or us....it all hurts so much!That's the likely intent.
   These are the things in my heart at this time and in my head...This is the pain I feel which never helps the physical pain either. To "top it all off"..we had these best friends,you know..the kind that are your "chosen family"..those kind of wonderful friends that you can go & spend holidays with and such? Well,those friends of ours who had been spending the holidays with us just stopped suddenly one year because I had asked if my younger daughters boyfriends' mom could come w/us to Thanksgiving dinner at their house. This woman does soup kitchens, so I never fathomed it'd be a problem! She claimed to be a good Christian. But after I'd asked if this boys mother could come, our friend said "no". First she used the excuse that "the table was too small"(for one more? Heck, I would've sat on a card table/chair!); then she said that "her sons would feel awkward w/someone they didn't know" (um..they were already twenty somethings, living away from home!). I didn't understand? We did spend holidays with them and we always had such a great time. A few years prior to that happening, we'd spent several holidays with them and had a great time. They told us we'd "never be alone on holidays again! We'd always have them!" But that was short lived when I asked for one extra person to come over; who had no place else to go on Thanksgiving.
Well, as you can see we have each other and I thank our Lord daily for allowing me to have Amy and Craig in my life. We are all we have. Its' sometimes scary and sad. But we could not have each other and that would be even worse! I just thought those people were our "forever friends". I even tried to let it go and be forgiving but got no response. I want my daughter back in my life, our lives...but not until or unless she tells the truth.
   I'm going to the pacemaker /EPS DR. tomorrow morning. I'll find out when I get my pacemaker surgery which will most likely be this coming Summer 2012. I'm scared, yes...but I'll be in good hands. I just hope that this Dr's team will listen to me and that I'll be "out like a light" ! I do NOT want to be awake for a pacemaker surgery! Mine is cut into the pectoral muscle,not just under the skin; so its more surgery & pain; longer recovery.
    I will keep you posted..thank you so much for being here for me once more. with gentle hugs, Suzanne

Cousins...Christmas Past...


my girls Christmas past and their cousins another Christmas past....

We Make Our Own "Merry Christmas"!

2011-12-23T13:54:00.002-05:00

Hello Luvs,
I first want to say that I wish you all very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. If you are in pain, I pray that you will not be in pain for the coming year or that it gets much less. I have been really upset about something and sometimes I wonder if people really believe how horrible my family really is and has been to me? Not just today, not just now but for years and years as long as I can remember!
My brother, david, the middle brother is bi-polar and he is the worst, aside from my "evil" father now. I tried to bring up the abuse issues and what happened when I was little to my parents in 1997 but they disowned me pretty much and hated me ever since (and even before that time!). But David was sort of "OK" when he was on his "Lithium" for the "bi-polar disorder" but my mom told him he looked like "Buddha" because he had gained some weight from those meds...needless to say, he stopped taking them and is worse than ever.
My mom died in 2002, of colon cancer and lymphoma and it went to her liver also. I wasn't even told until my uncle from S. Dakota called and told me that she was "very ill and may not make it home from the hospital." Even though I had recently 2 mos prior, been in a horrible car accident and suffered many many injuries, chronic intractable pain, herniated/bulging discs in neck and lower back, torn shoulders, frozen shoulders,2 screws in my left and the right also had long thoracic nerve severred! I had my both knees whacked out of alignment, a ruptured biceps tendon, 2 torn meniscus and then had to get a pacemaker from the TBI I suffered which gave me also "Dysautonomia/POTS/NCS" and then my last surgery in '07, I got a horribly painful disease called "RSD/CRPS" and now that is "full body RSD/CRPS". I had several horribly painful things wrong and still went in my wheelchair day after day and got someone to drive me to the hospital to see her.
She had been abusive also and we won't go into that now. But before she stopped being able to speak, she told me that she "loved me infinitey" and I said it back to her. I felt like that weight had been lifted and I forgave her and she wanted me to know that she didn't mean to do it. I believe she was also bi-polar as it is passed down usually from mother to son or father to daughter. My brother has it so from the actions of my mother all of my life, my Psychologist who's known my family now since 1999, says that she was most likely also "bi-polar". She would be nice and then "snap" and be mean and hurtful and down right abusive. My father, has no excuse except for his awful childhood and what happened to him with an abusive father and his mother died when he was only 4 yrs old. He did have 3 much older sisters (15 yrs older!) that took care of him though.
   Anyways...it is "THAT" time of year again and David is pulling his shenanigans as usual. I had my phone company block his phone numbers for the past 3 months. They can and will only do that for 3 months at a time. I also blocked my dad and older brother. But again I was too late this time because the block had been lifted and he text'd me at 430 am yesterday morning on the anniversary of my mom's death! It was 9 years ago, he is 51 years old, almost 52 and he needs to move on and get over it! He called my phone at 430am and left me this text: "Please take a moment today to honor Mom. 9 yrs ago today she passed from death unto life @ 425 am." UGGGGH....I KNOW IT, OK!? I don't need to be reminded, I'm not stupid, or mentally out of it or deranged or that forgetful!! I KNOW that my mom died and when she died. But other than praying for her in my own private way, why do I need to be told? Because they are abusive and will NOT leave me alone!
   I have a "you tube" page and he didn't like what I wrote as my profile. Because I have an older daughter, that is 25 yrs old and with help from my abusive ex husband and my abusive biological family, she left home at just turned 18 yrs old, and while still in High school for another few weeks! I wouldn't allow her to do immoral and illegal activities and they told her that "times are different now days and those behaviors are OK"...what??? My father would NEVER have allowed ME to do those things!!! But he/they get "pleasure from my pain" and are enjoying our estrangement! My own cousin has told me this sad truth!
   I miss my oldest. I'm sorry that she didn't like our rules and I'm sorry that she told me she "hated me and was sick of my pain and surgeries". I was hit by a man who ran a red light, so it wasn't my fault that I was injured so badly that I got a TBI and many injuries and surgeries. Then I had a heart attack the first Mother's day after she was gone and acquired "atrial fibrillation"....was put on blood thinners to avoid a stroke and then still had a CVA/stroke in 2006! My husband called and told her about the heart attack but she never came or called back!
   Well, I will always accept my daughter back if she wants to be forgiven. I will forgive her and I will always continue to love her and miss her greatly. But the lies and horrible things she's said really have hurt me. My family urges her on to do this more and then the family she married into (without ever telling or inviting me or us after I raised her from age 5 all by myself mostly while I worked full time and then 1/2 time in 2 different jobs! But I was always there for her and always the ONLY one in the audience clapping and yelling for her !) urges her to be hateful towards me also. They don't even know me. My father's girlfriend treated me inexcusably when we saw her over the Summer while at an outdoor concert too! I went up to her as kind as can be and introduced myself. She looked at me and if looks "could kill, I'd be dead"...she got up and walked the long way around the table and left without saying a word to me. She only knows the horrible, evil lies she's been told by my family and my daughter who now does her hair as she's a hair stylist.
Ok...so back to the evil, sick brother. I went to my You tube page and saw some nasty and evil comments but luckily NO one else can ever see them unless it's here where I am showing them to you. This is what he wrote which is moderated by me first, so luckily no one will ever see this on my you tube page:

	drmoodman (1 month ago) (Pending approval) Approve \| Remove \| Unblock User \| Spam xyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
	drmoodman (1 month ago) (Pending approval) Approve \| Remove \| Unblock User \| Spam yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
	drmoodman (1 month ago) (Pending approval) Approve \| Remove \| Unblock User \| Spam You only worked at U of M for a couple years and even then only part time most the time. You spent more tme trying to figure out how to get out of working. Also, you have TWO daughter...the one you mentiona nd the oldest who disowned you for you mistreating/abusing her for so long as a child. She finally got away from you and is doing wonderful today and we are all so proud of her.

**So what he is talking about is that he does not like my "profile" on you tube. I only mention my one daughter because I don't think I need to get into anything on my "You tube" profile! Don't you agree? why should I tell my whole story there? I can do it here in my own blog, much better! So then he also puts me down for "not working enough" at my job at the Univ. of Mich hospitals. But little does he know that A) I got up at 5am for many years and then got ready and got my 2 baby girls ages 3 and 5 up and ready and took them to day care mon-friday from 710am until 615 pm! So naturally, when an earlier shift became available, I took it! I didn't like working full time and being away from my girls. ALL I ever wanted is to be a "MOMMY"/"MOM".
   I then got to go 1/2 time at the hospital and could work: Mon,Tues and every other Weds. This gave me a chance to still be an "Interpreter for the Deaf", which is what my degree is in from Madonna University here in Michigan! I worked on my other days off as an Interpreter for deaf students in two different school districts and interpreted "on call" for the hospital and for parents that were Deaf and needed to have their parent/teacher conferences Interpreted for them! But my family or brother chooses to forget or not know that I did that for some reason and wants to say I "didn't want to ever work" instead!!! BUt I got 9 "supergrams" from the Univ of Michigan hospitals! That means that over the years I worked there when some employees get "zero" or "none" of these "supergrams"; I got 9 of them where a patient wrote in something nice about me or that I did something nice for them or treated them in a kind way etc.! Then the University had a banquet or reception in my HONOR! I got to leave my job and go have cookies and wine and get "honored" by the big boss's! I also had a perfect attendance award all of the years I worked there because they didn't count the "allowed" sick days or "family care days". I used all of those and vacation days to be home with my girls when they were sick. I stayed and worked at my job when I was sick and even when I had pneumonia one time!
   I had 3 "employee suggestion" contest wins! That means they implemented all 3 of the suggestions that I offered and I won $100.00 each time too! I was a great employee and though I've been on SSDI now for a long time, I still have a job should I ever be able to go back there, which probably won't ever happen now with all of the pain and injuries and surgeries I've gone through and the "full body/systemic RSD/CRPS" now also.
    When you are being mean or evil or abusive to someone, you should at least get your facts straight because it makes you look really stupid if you are mean to someone when they didn't do anything like what you say!
Anyways...I wanted to use my blog today as a sounding board to put this up because they freak out every holiday and start sending me crazy messages and things and I just do nothing. I always do nothing but they still don't stop. People always say "don't do anything, that always works best to get someone to stop bullying etc..." well it doesn't work with my family!
    I just had to get some of this out of me today..thanks for reading and being my friend and if you are a reader but not a friend, I thank you for taking the time to read.
   Merry Christmas to all and Happy Holidays....and don't forget to LOVE each other and remember that time is something that waits for no one! Once time is gone you cannot get it back...but you can make things right...NOW and from now on..."IF" you choose to make things right...Love to all and Blessed New year 2012 !!! Sincerely, Suzanne

an award that I got for using my time to volunteer and help out at the school's

page1 of a letter I rec'd from my dad's 2nd wife after mom died & she divorced him after only a year

page 2 of the letter from my dad's ex wife to me after their divorce

note from my Psychologist who's known my family and me since 1999!

It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year!

2011-12-21T02:30:00.002-05:00

"To The World You May Be One, but To One ....You May Be The World!!"

The day my firstborn came home from the hospital...I thought that my dreams had come true!

this is me with Amy (she is in 2nd grade here) and I was the school's "Jump Rope Team" coach!

Hello Luvs,
I must say that I just love the picture above! It shows my sweet daughter, Amy (23yrs) and me together having fun! I like the way the words "good times" and "best friends" are superimposed! I just love spending time with her and she's just the sweetest, kindest, smartest most thoughtful person I know! She does cute little thoughtful things that help to make life just a little more pleasant. She tries to do everything 150% and sometimes gets down on herself when things aren't just right! I know this post is coming just prior to Christmas with all of its expectations and memories. I also do miss certain people that had played a big role in my life especially during this special time of year. I wanted to write about the goodness and love that I share with the two people who are in my life most of all.
   I wanted to share the new/short story of "us"...of our "new traditions"..the ones we are making and have been since it's just been the three of us.*(It's just the 3 of us as far as blood family & has been for awhile now; but I never forget our wonderful friends. We are truly blessed to have a number of close and true friendships with a long history together. Some of them have been with us through thick and thin. While others are a bit more recent, but none the less strong relationships). The three of us had a wonderful time making the chocolate covered potato chips and pretzels for the holidays! It's become a "new" tradition in our family, to make chocolate covered pretzels and potato chips during the Christmas season at our house! We also make the "Chex" Muddy Buddy mix with the chocolate and peanut butter with powdered sugar and it's poured over the cereal mixture and sprinkled with red & green candy sprinkles! It's sooooo yummy and we enjoy having company over to share it with them also! We've been making this every Christmas now for about 7 or 8 years. I have a "fruitcake or fruit/nut bread" recipe that my Mother and her Mother used to make way back when. I made a few tweaks and changes of my own to it and now the new and improved "fruit/nut bread" is and has been part of our Christmas tradition also. This year for the first time since I can remember, I didn't make that fruitcake or fruit/nut bread. I'm the only one in my family who has the true full recipe, the one in which my mother wrote down for me on a recipe card. The same one her own mother made. My brother, Steve, tried to make it a couple of times but it never came out quite the same. It was dry and had waaay too much Rum flavoring in it.
   So as we await the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ and as "some" of the children of the world await the coming Of Santa Claus, I am trying to live my life as awesome as possible with all of the things that I've gone through and am still having to go through on a daily basis. I still don't have my oldest daughter in my life. She left, as you know if you've been reading along, back in 2004 and still will not come back to me or us and is still telling horrible lies and stories that are to hurt me for some reason that I'll never understand.
I don't want to go into that story today. It is Christmas time and the "spirit" of Christmas is among us. I want to feel the magic in the air and the goodness of the people that will try to do good things this season and throughout the entire year. I want to be a good person and try to be as kind and loving towards others as I possibly can. I don't want to do it just at this time of the year, but all of the years and all of my life. I want there to be a sense of kindness and love between people instead of the bickering and meanness that is all around us today. I hate that families continue to fight and not get along with each other. There's nothing more that I would love than to have a family that wants and loves me and treats me like the person that I am and not the horrid "thing" that they treat me like in reality. I don't have to do anything mean or be spiteful because it states in the Bible that God will take care of everything. The Lord says "Vengence is mine". He also says in Romans 12:12 "Do not be overcome with evil; overcome evil with good".
It still haunts me today what my fathers girlfriend did to me this past Summer. I wish so so badly that she would have been at my Aunt Vera's funeral last Summer in June 2010. At her funeral neither of my brothers were there and Shirley, my dad's girlfriend was not there either. I know in my heart that my dad found a way to force them somehow without their knowledge, to not come to her funeral. He KNEW....HE KNEW...my father KNEW that my cousins would be saying good and kind things about me and my husband, Craig. They indeed did just that! They spoke of me as their families "angel". They said that I did so much by visiting their mom and doing her hair and her nails whenever I could! They spoke of Craig and I taking her out shopping and out to the park in the Summer time and even to dinner. They spoke of how we visited her and played "Skippo", the card game, with her almost every Sunday. Also how I decorated her door and her apartment for each of the holidays for quite a long time! My Aunt Vera loved me and I loved her. She believed me and believed IN me! She told me that she "needed" my dad, her brother, to do some things for her like grocery shopping etc. so she could not speak to him about the abuse and the way my family was and still is, treating me today. I understood what she was saying and how she "needed" him to do her errands, therefore she had to sort of act like she was on his "side" I guess I just wished that (Shirley) my dad's girlfriend, and my brothers had been there to hear those kind words said about me that day. My Aunt Vera is gone now and she was my biggest confidant's and she believed me and in me, I miss her.
    I guess the holidays are the times we most miss the people that we love. I do love the Holidays and the warm fuzzy feelings that still creep into my heart and soul. The pictures from the past that sneak into my mind and the longing for things to be the "way they were" at least the way they were when my oldest daughter truly loved me as much as I loved her. I am so grateful that the Lord has seen fit to allow me the pleasure of having my youngest daughter live with us a little while longer. I see the extra time with her as a "gift". She comes and goes as she pleases, of course and she works hard at her three jobs part time and as she's finishing up her Master's degree. She has her career, her school classes and her friends and she's a very busy girl. But I cherish the time that we do have together.
   I can't say that some days I don't wish for some things to go back the way they once were with us as a full and true family. I know we are a "true" family still today. I feel loved and I love them too, I just mean that I always feel and notice that empty spot at our table. I still feel that lonliness of having 3 instead of 4 of us.
    Well,it feels as though everything was just a "dream" or even a nightmare! The "reality" that truly unfolded was so awful because the reality wasn't really very good for a very long time. I let things go for too long, trusted too much and trusted the wrong people. I believed in my oldest and even though she could sometimes behave badly, I just never thought she'd throw me "to the wolves, stomp on me and jump on me while I'm already "down". The same goes with my ex husband's parents. I was good to them. I was truthful with them always. I took my girls to visit them monthly all through the years when their son had either "supervised only visits"(per the judge's decree) and all of those years when their son lived 1,000 miles away in another state. I thought I was doing a kind thing and thought I was being a good person by driving the girls to visit their fathers parents, their other grandparents, even though they did nothing for the girls or for me. They did nothing to even help us while they owned 5 houses, a boat, 23 acres with barn animals and had so much "material" "stuff"!!   While their own granddaughters and their granddaughters mother stood in line at scarey places with barred windows for 2 hours sometimes in a terrible, bad and scarey part of the city to get our monthly food stamps and medicaid insurance for my daughters....their blood granddaughters! My girls never went without a winter coat but their grandparents, their father's parents, who were millionaires; never even offered to give them a winter "snowsuit" so they'd be really warm and able to play in the snow. They wore whatever I could get for them and we made it work. One year even my own parents who were abusive towards me, cared enough about their granddaughters to help out and buy them each a long snowsuit for Christmas one year. Those suits lasted a few years as we got them large and then still when my oldest outgrew hers, the younger one had it for another 2 yrs! But I also never asked either set of parents for anything. We just stood in our long 2 hour line each month until I made $80.00 too much per month to get anymore help. In essence, I lost 250.00 worth of food stamps due to an $80.00 per month raise! It Doesn't seem to make much sense, does it? But I still felt deeply proud deep down inside that I finally made too much to get aid from the state. I was "free" to not live under a microscope any longer and we would just barely "get by"...but we had so much love and did many fun things that cost me no money or very little.
   Sooo...those are a few of the bad memories mixed with some good; and some of the things that I've endured and lived through with my daughters and the different family members and "ex" family members.
Now we'll go back to the "present", the "gift" of today and the "here and now". I have much to feel blessed about and much to be very sad about. One thing after another continues to happen to bring more pain physically and/or emotionally to me and my little family.
     For example:Yesterday I was making my way through the back garage door into the house and Craig was getting the groceries from the trunk. I attempted to step up into the garage door through to the kitchen and my brain thought my foot went up the step, but my foot didn't go up enough (due to my "footdrop" and L-5 radiculopathy and polyneuropathy). I do have 2 AFO's (ankle foot orthotic braces)to wear but I don't really wear them anymore. It's been 7 years, no...it's been since 2002 now..!!! WOW!!! Time has gone by hasn't it? So it's been 10 yrs now since our car accident and I wore them for 3 yrs..or a little longer and "on" and "off". They hold my feet and toes up so I don't trip over myself due to the lack of good nerves and the presence nerve damage.   I got RSD/CRPS in my right foot after foot surgery in 2007. The RSD/CRPS has since spread to "full body". I have it everywhere now and including my eyes, mouth. The ENT Dr. that I've had and whose known me since 1986 has said that it is considered "Systemic" which is also another word for "full bodied". I went up the step and my foot or feet didn't go with me and I fell left hip, arm and full left side of my body first onto the kitchen hallway floor. I lay there in a heap and cried and could not move for several minutes. My husband was and is so wonderfully loving towards me. He waited and in the most kind voice; or the most lulling sweet voice he said to me "I'll just wait until you can talk. It's O.K., just take your time. I'm here for you, just take your time". I couldn't even speak because the pain was so fierce!

Jessy and her step dad, my husband Craig...having a great laugh & fun at Disney

I finally got up and started to tell him what happened as he helped me over to the couch and brought me my "rescue" medications for emergencies. They are used only to keep me out of the emergency room because I refuse to go there anymore. The Dr's don't understand RSD/CRPS. They don't treat it or even know what it is. Last time I went, a Dr. and a Nurse were "googling" the term "RSD/CRPS" right in front of me while I was on a guerny waiting to go into the operating room for the worst nightmare "heart cath" of my life.!! I was totally wide awake and screaming that I could "feel everything" and no one cared and nobody listened to me or did anything to comfort me in any way! Finally at the end of it when I was exhausted and I knew it was over, I finally fell asleep and stayed that way for the next 3 hours! I'm still so upset about that! UUGGHhh...
These are the things that happen to me now. I must come to grips with the facts and the truth that my oldest daughter may never come back....my pain may never go away and my dad will probably die before he'll ever tell the truth to the people that he's lied to about me...and that really hurts so much! I hate being called a "liar" for being the "truth bearer"...Well, Jesus was persecuted and he was the light of all truth!! I will just continue to be the best person and mother and wife that I can be. I will keep on keeping on as far as the pain goes. Also, I will persevere and continue to chase the dreams that I still have left; even if most of them have been "squashed" by abusive, threatening and horrible people. I still have my wonderful and loving soul-mate; my husband, Craig....and I still have my beautiful, kind, and loving "sweet pea" daughter who is making me so proud to be her mother! I cannot wait to see her grow more and more mature and see her continue to blossom into the lovely adult daughter that she's become!


this is a letter that my oldest wrote to me not long before she left home!

Have a good Holiday everyone!! Come back and hopefully you'll read about better and brighter days ahead for 2012! love and blessings to you at this holiday time!

letter from my Psychologist because I was telling him what my family threatened & what they were saying!

My Story for "Invisible No More"/IDA... (reposting for both blogs)*

2011-11-29T21:41:00.004-05:00

Hello Luvs,
I am very excited to share with you that I got word today that the people at "Invisible No More" TV *(go to: http://www.youtube.com/user/invisiblenomoretv?blend=8&ob=5)..have chosen a video that I made in which they asked me to discuss my invisible disabilities etc. I'm so excited that they are going to put it on their website (above*) to be a "feature video" for their channel. It's a channel to get the "word" out about Chronic Pain and invisible disabilities. It's about "Looking Fine and Healthy on the outside but having chronic pain and invisible disabilities on the inside. I have uploaded a bit longer, but similar version of the video they chose. I wanted to share this exciting time but not disclose the exact video that they will be featuring. They've told me that they did choose my video in hopes that it will help others persevere and overcome their invisible disabilities! This is the 7 minute video:

Thank you for watching..Suzanne

Please visit their website (http://www.youtube.com/user/invisiblenomoretv?blend=8&ob=5) to see all of the featured videos including mine! :)

How Can People That Are Supposed To Love You....Be So Hateful?

2011-11-20T22:46:00.004-05:00

The Poem My Oldest daughter wrote for me in 2003 just one year before she left....

Me and my oldest- "sunshine" girl!

My oldest daughter's 6th b-day party and me doing "Pin the tail on the Donkey"

The "FABULOUS FOUR"

Me playing "TWISTER" with my girls and friends!

Hello Luvs,
Today's blog is gonna be a hard one to take in. Soo....if you have a problem with reading about "difficult things people go through" or about "abuse"etc....then you'd better skip this blog of mine today. You are welcome to come back next time when I am a bit more "chipper". So ...I will wish you a wonderful day, week, and month of Holidays!!
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OK...if you made it this far then you will be able to handle this, story today, right? I feel sooo sad and mad at the same time. I feel "bullied" and I feel as though I'm worn so thin now, there's nothing left for "them" to tear down in me because it's just gone...Now don't get me wrong....the "fight" in me is just beginning...it's not gone...I'm just picking up speed and getting my infinite 2nd wind. So the "defeat" that I feel is just fueling the infinite fighting me inside!!
    Well...you know I really prefer to write of "Happy Times" and fun things that I have to look forward to and have yet to do. I also prefer to tell you about the funny stories from days gone by and the "tea parties" with my daughters, the sight of me dancing on our kitchen counter with a fake rose in my teeth just to make my young daughter's tears turn into laughter!Then there was me doing the "Hokey Pokey" on our front lawn at my oldest daughter's 6 th birthday party...which I put on all alone with about "10"- 6 yr old's and they spent the night AND got "goody bags"!!! Then there's the "me" that was in a "knot" playing "Twister" with my daughter and her friends who I called the "FAB FOUR" and even got her a T-shirt for her birthday at age 8 with their pictures on the front of the shirt and they are all in a pyramid formation!! There's also the "ME" that was at her Kindergarten "Program" she was dressed in a lion mask and was to pretend to be a lion.... I didn't want to go alone so I asked our 16 yr old babysitter to come. We all watched my oldest daughter in her little Kindergarten production..She was looking around during the whole program for her father to show up because he said he would come! I didn't blame her, she was only 5 yrs old, how could I? But it still was a bit sad that we were all there for her smiling and clapping proudly but she only wanted the one who wasn't there for her. He then continued to do that to both of the girls "on" and "off" for the rest of their school days. I was always there clapping in the audience, calling their names out loudly and was as proud as a mama could be!! He showed up only a few times... because I always invited him to everything.
The first swim meet that he came to in my oldest daughters' HS years, he really put on a show. He'd never given the girls anything for Halloween before (nor did he ever ask to see them on Halloween in their costumes or ask to take them out trick or treating! But hey...this I never minded at all because I got to have them every Halloween and I was ecstatic about it!!). But that day, he brought a plastic pumpkin or something like that, full of candy for each of the girls; and brought it all to her swim meet to be a "big show" in front of people that know her/us!! Another time back in grade school, I remember he showed up in one of his many "personnas" (he changed hobbies and jobs often) and this time it was with long hair and a black biker, motorcycle leather jacket! She was in 4th grade and was mortified! She cried and complained to me afterwards and begged me not to invite him to anything again. Of course I tried to do whatever made them happy because that's how it always was. Whenever I could do it, I would do what my girls wanted and needed.
Then some time went by and he remarried. He told the girls on the telephone 2 weeks afterwards!!! Then they asked him "why didn't you tell us or invite us to the wedding?" He made me the "bad guy" and "demonized" me once again by saying "your mother wouldn't have let you come!" But he knew that I went out of my way to bring the girls once per month to visit his parents. It wasn't in the divorce papers. They lived an hour away and I didn't have to do it! The girls usually begged me to not go because they were bored and didn't like the food there. But I would tell them that "they are your grandparents and they want to see you"! So once per month from 1-7pm was worked out and I did that for them. Also on Christmas I would drive the girls all the way there at about noon. I would then drive to and go and get them around 7 or 8 pm. This was my "gift" to their paternal grandparents (it was their son who I divorced after 8 years of cheating on me and abuse towards me and our Rottwieller, "Bully") for Christmas each year. Not that I owed them anything; because they never helped out (not even with a winter coat or boots) knowing that the girls and I stood in line for hours each month for food stamps, WIC and medicaid insurance.*(I worked full time but still didn't make enough to take care of everything. As soon as I possibly could do it, I was off of the "help" of the food stamps and WIC. I was on it for a total of about 2 years!) While they were millionaires who had 5 houses, 23 acres and a farm full of animals!!. I always did my very best to do what I thought was the right thing.
Their father had "supervised visitation only"! This was *court ordered, per Child and family Services of Livingston County and the judge. It was not my judgement, it was theirs though I totally 100% agreed with it."HE" was the one who got into trouble and was tried before a jury of his peers and found "GUILTY" and was fired from ever being a police officer again!! I will not go into why he got into trouble because I don't want to embarrass my girls. Sooo when he told them that "I wouldn't have allowed them to go to his wedding"...he never asked me! I may have allowed them to go with his parents if they would've taken them, but nobody ever asked. I guess they thought it easier to "blame me".
   So...we had our life here in Michigan and he and his new wife lived in Maine. I had also remarried and had finally found a wonderful, kind and loving man who loved my girls too. They also loved him and they walked me down the aisle at our wedding in February 1997. He was my oldest daughter's teacher at one time. The girls and I were thrilled and we had a good life and we were all three loved very much. We moved from our apartment to a house just down the street so the girls wouldn't have to change schools or friends etc. Things were going well for awhile.
A few years later, my ex and his new wife were having a baby. They lived in Maine and didn't see the girls for many years. Sometimes they didn't even get a birthday card or Christmas gifts. But then he and his wife came back to MI and moved in above his parents garage while they had their baby. I urged the girls to meet their 1/2 sibling when she was born. They wanted nothing to do with her. They said they were "afraid their dad would also leave her or afraid that he would get them to know her and then take her away and leave again. (*I remember the first time he moved to Maine after our divorce...we were at a softball game because my oldest daughter was playing and he happened to just "show up" that time and he never came to any of her other games . But he was on a "mission" and this was a day or so before "Fathers day". He told them he was moving to Maine. My oldest daughter was so upset! He'd just gotten the court ordered supervisor all set up so he could see them again. He was moving once more and of course I was the one left holding "the bag"! With my older daughters tears and sadness, I was supposed to pick up all of the pieces again.
It was sad because at first, when the whole "visitation" thing started it was sort of half-way "OK". Even though they came home dirty, with no shoes on in below zero weather in January! But as time went by, they both started running into the closet when he came to pick them up. They started hiding, screaming, crying and saying they "didn't want to go" with him. He'd pick up my youngest, smack her behind and yell at them and say "YOU ARE GOING WITH ME!" I had to make them go because according to the F.O.C. I could go to jail if I didn't force them to go! I did it for awhile (because what good was I to them if I was put in jail?), until I heard that he got into trouble. It was then that two detectives came to my work, took me out of my job to speak to me and questioned me about the abuse I endured during our 8 year marriage. After that and after he threatened me in front of a judge and the judge sent the girls and I to the domestic violence shelter; then I didn't force them to go with him anymore. Finally, the judge knew what he'd gotten found "GUILTY" of by a jury and the judge ordered a "visitation review" by Child & Family Services. They interviewed all of us separately and the girls each alone and together. Then they sided with me and ordered "supervised visitation" and us to agree on someone or it would also be court ordered. We agreed on a mutual friend and then as he moved away and the girls got older, it was at my discretion.
After he remarried, I figured that they wouldn't be alone with him much and they were much older so I left it up to them if/when they wanted to see him. I hated that he never thought of them. He even said he had to leave because he had to go and "find himself". Wow!!! I guess it's a good thing I didn't need to go and "find myself"...or they'd have had nobody! But then again, I would never ever have left them for anything, anyone or in any way. They were/are my priority in my life. I love them both with every bit of my soul and heart.
   Soooo...he and his wife had their baby girl. The girls didn't want to see her and begged not to meet her or go to the hospital. I sort of forced the issue a bit. I told them that "she is your baby sister and once you see her you will fall in love with her". We all went to the hospital. I was trying to be "friendly" in a strange situation. I was trying for my girls sake to let things get more "normal" if possible! They did fall in love with her and they got to know her and got their picture taken with her and I even displayed that picture in my/our home!! Then after about her first birthday, they moved again...back to Maine...1,000 miles from Michigan and his first daughters. They were so sad to "lose" their little sister they'd just gotten to know!
    Ok...so you can see how this was going, right? I wanted to start at the beginning but not go into too much detail. You don't need nor do you really want all of the details, believe me! The reason I'm bringing this up today, at this moment and in this time period of my life, is because my "middle" older brother, the "more" abusive one; who is mentally unstable and has "bi-polar" disorder *(but won't take his meds because my mother once told him they made him "fat" and she called him "BUDDHA") has started to abuse me again. Though he has never actually stopped!
   It never ends and my father "eggs him on"! You see, I confronted my own parents about the abuse that I endured as a child living and growing up in their home. Also as an adult, the verbal abuse (and *other such as hate mail and mean things showing up in the mailbox) has been unrelenting. I confronted them in 1997 and from that day forward they've wanted "revenge" and have been unrelenting in their plight "hurt" me however in whatever ways possible.
   Things happened...many things...I don't need to go into all of it here, today. But my daughters were never told these things while growing up. They didn't need to know what kind of abuse I endured. I wanted them to like my parents and I thought that "I" was the "BAD" one and that my parents wouldn't hurt them. They did see for themselves how I was treated by my parents and brothers though, as they grew up. For one example: I had bought an Easter outfit, about a size "10" in "Misses". I was "normal" weight. I showed up on Easter morning at the restaurant that we met them at and my mother said to me "Suzanne you have no right to wear that short jacket! It makes you look like a huge cow with a big butt and it looks terrible on you"! I tried to defend myself and act like it didn't bother me, but it hurt, of course. I could see the looks in my girls eyes'. It also didn't help that my parent's got my brother's involved and they chimed in and called me "fat" names and other hurtful names. But I tried not to make a big deal out of it thinking that they wouldn't either. Plus, they were used to me being "put down" by my mother, father and brothers.
The next day was a rare event and my parents wanted to pick up the girl's 1/2 way through the day at their daycare. It was their Easter Break. They came and took them out for a few hours,went to the mall or something and then took them back to daycare. I remember my youngest cried and cried because she didn't want to have to go back to daycare (and there was no reason because my dad was retired! But my mom had had enough and didn't want to be bothered any longer so back they went!) because my mom played "tea party and Barbie dolls" with them (something I was very happy about but wondered sometimes why she never even had read a book to me, let alone play "Barbie's" with me while I was growing up?? I was not in any way "jealous". On the contrary, I was extremely happy for my daughters that they were having fun and making good memories with my mother...but I can't say it didn't sadden me at all that she never liked me, read to me, played with me or treated me kindly or lovingly). It was "different" than daycare and they just liked going over there. They were little girls and very young. But when I picked them up that day, I will never forget what they told me. They looked so sad and when I asked them "what's wrong? Why are you so sad today?" They told me that my mother and father had said horrible things about "me" all the time they were at their house!! They didn't want to tell me and hurt my feelings, but it was bothering them and on their minds. I tried to tell them that their "Nuna" was "kinda/sorta cuckoo"when it came to food and weight. I told them to just know that it isn't true and they shouldn't think like that. I also told them she didn't know what she was saying because she has a problem with weight and food as someone must have done something to make her be that way.
This all reminds me of when I was a teenager and I came home one day from a friends house and my bedroom mirror had the "levi Strauss" cow pictures all over it and my room!! My brothers and my mom had done it and it really hurt my feelings. Along with the Polaroid picture my mother took (which last time I checked was still in their photo albums) of me wearing a pink Cowel neck sweater and she wrote "FATSO" on the bottom of it with yellow marker and then hung that on their refrigerator. They told me it was to get me to "lose weight...yea...I was 5 feet 5" tall and 128 lbs and they thought I was "FAT"???!! Go figure???? Yes...I was forced to get on the scale for my parents weekly and have "weigh ins". Sometimes I would fight it and my dad and brothers would literally carry me onto the scale and fight with me to get on. If I'd gained any weight, they'd either take privileges away or my bike or my stereo! On the other hand, if I'd lost weight, I'd get money or clothing or something sometimes. One of my old school friends remembers me having bruises on my legs and she asked me back then about them. I tried to explain about the "weigh - ins" and how I'd missed the bus and had to walk 14 blocks to school after "fighting" to not be weighed! She and I have had lunch a few times in the past few years and she gave me a handwritten note. She wanted me to have it just in case I saw my father so I could give it to him. I have that handwritten note still today and you can see it here posted on this blog today. She wanted him/them to know that someone remembers, someone saw it and that I am not "crazy" like they tell people so that nobody will believe me.
    Yes, I was hurt in a car accident in 2002. I got multiple injuries and surgeries, including an M.T.B.I. or "mild traumatic brain injury". I was in brain injury rehabilitation for 3 years. I have horrible short term memory. But absolutely nothing is wrong with my long term memory! I had so much happen in that accident and am still in chronic intractable pain 24/7 and have been offered a Morphine pain pump by my pain doctor! I had 5 surgeries and the final one gave me "RSD/CRPS" or Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/ Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. I had some Dysautonamia prior to the accident but it got much worse afterwards too! It got so bad that I had to have emergent surgery to get a dual chamber pacemaker placed because my brain wasn't telling my heart rate and blood pressure what to do!! There's a whole story in itself about the car accident and the injuries and years of pain that have followed. That's all for another day! I will add that after the car accident in 2002, then I lost my oldest daughter in 2004/July. She didn't like our house rules and her father, my ex had "brainwashed" her! My family was right along side of him instead of at the side of their own daughter/sister who was hurt badly in an auto accident! Then in 2005, I had a heart attack. The cardiologist who had known me for many years prior, told me that I was his "first case of broken heart syndrome". He had seen me with my daughters. He knew the abundance of unending love that I have for my girls. He saw that her leaving the way she did...literally "broke my heart"! My husband called her to tell her that I'd had a heart attack and told her where I was and what hospital. She never even called back or came to see me. She was 19 years old and drove all over the place and could've come to see her mother. Then later on in 2006, I had a CVA or a stroke which affected my left brain and right side of my body, which was the side already more injured from the car accident! You see, I acquired something called "Atrial fibrillation" after my heart attack. That sometimes happens after a heart attack. It happened to me and I was put on blood thinners for the rest of my life. Even though I was on the blood thinners, I still had a CVA; so they raised the doseage of blood thinners that I take and it's been good now. We didn't even bother to call her this time, because she didn't care.
   Soooo much has happened and so much that I can't and won't go into on a blog that people will read. This is the "not so bad stuff"...but it never ends! Every time the holidays roll around, my "bi-polar" brother starts the calling and hanging up or the calling and leaving nasty messages. Yes, I've had my phone numbers changed on several occasions but they always find ways to hurt me. I have to keep my some things the same in case my oldest daughter wants to make contact with me or us again some day. I pray for that daily and I'm never giving up!
You know, I just don't understand why they won't just let me be? Why don't they leave me alone? I don't contact them and they still won't stop the abuse towards me. My cousin in AZ says they get "pleasure from my pain". The Psychologist who's known my daughters, husband and me for over twelve years has said that I am the "worst childhood abuse/trauma case they've had in about 35 years"! The people at the disability office told my husband almost those same words on the phone when they granted my disability for PTSD. I was all set to go to their Dr.'s one morning in 1999, but they called after reading all of my several Dr's reports. They told my husband on the phone that they "didn't want to put me through having to tell my story again to another person....and that I was approved ..and that I was their worst case of childhood trauma/abuse in the past 30 something years also!!
    ...So let me tell you now that it never ends! Just the other day I was on my "You Tube" page and lucky for me all of the "comments" are moderated. Nothing goes on my page that I don't approve of first! But my "mentally ill" brother wrote to me because he didn't approve of my "profile" or what I wrote or didn't write in it. I had written that "I am the mother of a 23 yr old daughter who......" blah blah blah and yada yada...So he was angry that I didn't include that I was or am the mother of "two" daughters. I don't know my oldest anymore. She's been gone from my/our life/lives since 2004-July! I certainly do NOT have to get into anything on a personal level on a "you tube profile" for goodness sake!! I'm wondering if he's still unable to keep a job because he seems to sure have lots of time following me around the internet!?
The things he wrote are UNGODLY, horrible and unthinkable! He has been in jail and then was on a tether and under "house arrest" in 1991 for not following a court order to stay away from his ex-wife and children while they were in a domestic violence safe house to get away from him! He even threatened his ex wife and a friend of hers brought the tape to court. I heard it for myself! He was accused of something terrible and to this day, I believe he did it. We won't get into it because enough is enough.
    I cannot believe that it never will end. I don't do anything. I mind my own business. I don't talk to them or send them mail or call them. I've in fact had to block them from our phones due to the horrible phone call messages etc that they leave or have left. When I confronted my parents about the abuse that I endured, they made sure that the whole family knew that I was or am "a liar"! (I'm not at all, but that's what they need everyone to think or else the abuse would have to be true, right?)...
   They've lied to my oldest daughter now and of course because she was angry with me for not allowing her to do all of the things she wanted to do when she was just a teenager, she's also now lying and saying things about me that are not true. I just will never understand it because her and I and her little sister, the 3 of us were so very close at one time...or actually, for all of her first 17 years of life! She even wrote that beautiful poem for me for mother's day in 2003! She was 17 years old!
   But now my "sick" brother is writing and spewing more lies about me...they get pleasure from my pain and that is really "sick"! One thing I prided myself on was that I AM A GOOD MOTHER! I cared about nothing else in my life! All I ever wanted was to be a mother and when I had my girls, I only cared about their happiness and safety! It saddens me if my oldest is really saying these horrible lies about me because I am a good mother. I was there always and every time! I was the only set of hands clapping at many events because I was the only one there for the girls for many years! I did not LEAVE to "go and find myself"...no...I stayed and took care of my beautiful daughters who needed me!! My parents thought I was such a good mom that they gave me a plaque that my dad made for me himself, that says "there's a place in Heaven for the mother of two girls"...
     This is long....I usually save this kind of writing for my "private" blog that is only opened to a few people that I trust 100% and know they won't "hurt" me. Today I am putting myself "out there". I had to write this today. I am crying on the inside and the outside. I am hurting physically and psychologically today. I've been crying for days now and when I went back to my page at "You tube"....I saw something that made me happy... a group that is called "Invisible No More" has seen my video's and has asked me to make one for them. This is an organization who tries to help people who have invisible illnesses like mine; the RSD/CRPS, Dysautonamia, POTS/NCS,...and more! It made me happy that they "wanted me"...I can only hope that my writing sometimes of my pain and painful experiences, can and will help others to come forward and speak of their pain...whatever their pain may be...thank you for reading my blog today...I pray that my next article will be more uplifting and less sad....Suzanne


Mommy and Jessy /Middle school awards day

Jessy and her step-dad at the animal kingdom farm!

Me & my oldest girl!! All graduated!..*(.she left a month later !)!

Jessy and her BFF in 11th grade when we took them to "Cedar Point" amusement park


My oldest daughter's FIRST birthday!! "Mommy's Girl"!

Saying "Farewell" To Our Sweet Tilly Boo !! A re-homing event!

2011-11-09T03:02:00.000-05:00

The Story Of "Tilly"....aka "Boo Boo"....

   We were feeling a little like our house needed a little less "quiet", so last year our Amy, who is 23 yrs old now, decided to adopt a hatchling that she chose on her own from a breeder. It is a Congo African Grey Parrot. She named her "Matilda" after her favorite or one of her favorite movies; about the little girl with magic from the famous Roald Dahl book.
It was going well and she brought the little cute baby bird home and then told us that she wanted the bird to "bond with her" so at first she didn't want us to interact much with the bird so it would know that "she" was the birds "person". Because Amy at that time, had figured on being moved out and having an apartment possibly and taking Tilly with her. She also wanted Tilly to get used to a routine that would be theirs if she did move out after getting her MA degree this coming May 2012.
   We agreed, but it got more and more apparant that Tilly needed more attention and love and we instantly started giving it to her! I became "Grammy" and I took many pictures that are posted on photobucket. Also many videos are there with her as the "star". We enjoyed her and she made us laugh and really brought us to tears with her antics and she was just such a fun and funny quirky little girlie!
I fell in love with Matilda, though by then, we'd started calling her "Boo Boo" and she then started calling herself and all of us "Boo Boo" also! She'd say it when she wanted you to notice that she was awake under her cage cover in the mornings. She'd say "Hello Boo Boo" several times in a row if she wanted attention. She'd also say it as soon as Amy walked into the house and Tilly felt or heard her presence in the home. She would go berzerk up there saying it over and over again, as if to call her "person" or her "mommy" to her and as if to say "come and rescue me now, I want to come out and be with all of you!"
   We had her out of course every morning and we had a schedule of her sitting up high on her play tree stand and taking my last little drop of low sugar oatmeal from my spoon! This was a ritual and she very much enjoyed it! She also would be offered: carrots, fresh fruits and very infrequently a tad bit of peanut butter on a teensy bread bit. She really loved all of the different fruits and vegetables. Now speaking of vegatables...Oivay! She loved green beens so much that she literally "sucked" them as if she were a baby parrot again sucking on formula! This was very cute and peculiar and I'll have to share a cute video of that with you to get the full effect!
   We had our routine also of having her out most of the days whenever we were home and then again at dinner with us and afterwards to watch our favorite evening shows on the Telly! She loved to watch the "X" Factor !! She would "sing" along with all of the singers on the show and we could never hear a thing because she really was mostly just "screeching" and hadn't learned the gracefulness of singing properly yet. LOL...
   Well, all of this year long love affair with the cutest, most beautiful Parrot that I'd ever laid my eyes on and had the chance to love for almost a year; came to an end this last weekend. For the good of Tilly and for her happiness in life and to give Amy a chance to be free at her age, to go to China with the mission trip for a year; and also to give Tilly the time she really needed that none of us could really give her at this point. We had to...or I should say...Amy decided that she had to love Tilly enough to "let her go". She just didnt' have the time she thought she'd have or the energy after working three jobs and getting her MA degree; to give Tilly all that she needed and more!
Amy painstakingly took the time over months and months to pick out the perfect re-homing family for Tilly. She found a girl and her family who already have another African grey named "Averi" just a year older than our Tilly. They said Averi needed a "sister" and a friend and they wanted to take Tilly into their home and love and care for her as their own. Amy talked to Taylor, the girl in their family closest to her own age and they spoke on the phone and emailed for about 6 months before the actual transfer of Tilly Boo Boo, took place this past Saturday...November 5th, 2011 at about 6:30pm.
   We had Tilly out with us all day and took pictures and videos. We loved her up and down all day and listened to her say her favorite words all day long: "Hi Boo Boo", "Aflack", "Knock Knock", and answering when you say "what does an owl say ?" She would say "Oooooo Ooooo" very quietly and it was so sweet and so cute!
    We knew it was going to be a great fit when Taylor just set her fingers down on the couch while sitting next to Amy when suddenly our little Tilly just picked up her little foot and put it on Taylors' hand and got right up onto her! Amy and I both cried a mixture of "happy and sad" tears. A part of us thought maybe Tilly wouldn't go to them and we'd just then keep her and do our very best. You see I am disabled and in pain 24/7 and cannot take care of her the way she needs and the amount of attention and love that she needs. I just couldn't fulfill that/those needs on my own. My husband was busy alot with work and then Amy had like I said, 3 jobs and her MA degree classes. Also, she had been tinkering with the idea of going to China for 11 months on a sort of "Mission trip" to teach English to Medical students in Jehling, China! That's a whole other story though..LOL..
   So...we smiled and cried and our hearts filled with both sadness and sheer joy that Tilly "chose" Taylor and went to her without any problem whatsoever! Now we've been getting updates these past 3 or 4 days since Tilly left our home and even though there have been quite a bit of tears at our end. Quite alot of missing our "baby boo" and her sounds and little funny actions and such; we know it was right!
    Having Tilly at Taylor's house and with her family was and is the very best thing we could have ever done for her. It was Amy's most unselfish, kind and loving act ever! Though it's just "killing" her inside at the loss of that little "being"or that loving "prescence" in our home. It makes her eccstatic and me too...to see the pictures, hear the great stories of her new life already going very excellent; and to watch the movies they've sent to us so far. This was and is the very best family "fit" for Tilly and we feel so good about where she is. It is better for her in the long run as she seems so very very happy there with them. She's already stepped up for all of them and puts her little head down to be petted and she's been talking back and forth for hours with Averi right next to her and inching closer each passing day!
   Yes, it's just too cute, I hear! Averi will say "Hoosiers" (they're from Indiana! LOL) She'll say other things like "Bird Bird" and "Averi"! Then Tilly will say back to her "Hi Boo Boo" and "Knock knock" and Aflack!! It's just too cute to be true...too good to be true! They already got a double back pack item called "pack of birds"! The two birds go into it side by side with a metal wire between them (for now we have to be sure before we let them really be alone together and trust them 100%) so they can see each other but not hurt each other while being carried in this back pack!! It also doubles as a car seat to strap them in safely! Amy found a greeeeat family and we are just thrilled. The tears we shed are for her happiness except a few left over tears for when we come home and think she 's been up in her cage and we hurry to get her out and we say to ourselves..."OOPS...she's with Taylor and Averi and their family now in Indiana"! Maybe one day this next Summer we will drive there to visit; although it may be very hard to swallow if she doesn't know us any longer or won't step up to us or let us cuddle her anymore..We may just have to leave it at getting updates once in awhile; which Taylor has been so great about doing. Goodnight Luvs.... talk soon!

Enjoy the video and the pictures! love, Suzy!

Memories and Pain....Both kinds Of Pain...They're both Awful.....

2011-10-29T03:29:00.000-04:00

Jessy and I when I text'd her and we met for lunch in 2007..It went well but not that well...

jessy wrote this to me the year before she left!!!??? I'll never understand..

Hello Luvs,
I was getting things ready on my support website for "November" being "RSD Awareness month". My picture blog, which you also may enjoy looking at is located at: www.allthedayzofmylife.blogspot.com. It's general subject this time is about the month of November being "RSD Awareness Month". I was going to write about that in more detail, here on my written blog, but I've decided to allow it to drift because a blog is supposed to be about feelings and stories that are in and from my heart, mind & soul. For some reason, thinking and writing about RSD and the physical pain it brings; brought to mind some instances of different kinds of "pain" in which many people suffer and which I have suffered since I was just a little girl.
   I was one of many little girls who dream about growing up and having the "fairytale life". Just about every hope, wish and dream that I have had has just about been vanquished because of either the physical pain of RSD (along with: "DDD"-Degenerative Disc Disease, OA-Osteoarthritis, chronic knee pain known as bilateral Chondromalacia Patella and Patella Femoral Pain syndrome, Right Long Thoracic Nerve damage with an 8" span of nerve damage. Subsequent EMG's have shown miniscule or no reinervation; which continues to make the affected right arm to feel extremely "heavy" with a scapula that protrudes because there are no nerves to hold it down. It is excrutiatingly painful and feels the same as in my neck where the protruding herniated/bulging discs are pressing on the thecal sac of my spinal cord, which causes "sharp razor blades type of pain in my neck, scapula and right shoulder. I struggle every few months with Anemia and the cause is from my CKDII or "Chronic Kidney Disease, stage II. My kidneys don't make Renin or enough to make or keep the RBC's from being continuously made by my kidneys and my body. The Vision Convergence disorder and the moderate hearing loss are bad enough but having to go from not needing any glasses to needing them all of the time & requiring "prisms" in them to help with double vision and hearing aids bilaterally oects everlasting of the MTBI or "mild traumatic brain injury. This latter injury not only seems to have a "stigma" of its own but also it carries the "pain of forgetting new information along with an Autonaumic Nervous System dysfunction called "Dysautonauumia". It has life long devastating effects on all things that ones body is "supposed to do" automatically. A partial list of just what Dysautonuamia "messes with" in your body includes: digestion, body temp, respiration, heart rate, pulse, blood pressure, dry eyes, intolerance to cold and heat, sleeping issues or insomnia, and body "jerking" called "myoclonial jerking" When your Autonaumic nervous system doesn't work any longer you may get some nasty fainting spells or "syncope". If you had that before you were injured, you also most likely had "POTS/NCS"which is "Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia syndrome and Neurocardiogenic Syncope and the MTBI bumped up to a much bigger problem than prior to the car accident. The MVA in which a man and his wife were arguing as they drove through a red light and pretty much changed my life; which was more than challenging already, to a life almost intolerable to get up on a daily basis due to the excruciating pain from the injuries sustained that August day in 2002. These are almost all of the things that happened to me and I still don't have all of them written down!! There were/are other issues that cause me a great deal of physical pain. The most excruciating of these is called "RSD/CRPS" or " Complex Regional Pain Syndrome"/ "Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. It is the most painful, debilitating, progressive Neurological disease known to mankind at this time. It is highest on the "McGill" Pain scale, at a about a #42 which is right up there with terminal cancer and amputation without anesthesia. I've endured physical/emotional pain in one form or another ever since I was a little girl. I wonder some days if it will ever stop? Will it ever get better? Will my dreams ever come true? Well...having two daughters, that was my first dream that came true; something I wanted more than anything...but then to raise them as a single mom for the most part, only to lose my oldest when she graduated from High School. The horrible emotions, lies and antics that came with that loss were almost unbearable and I didn't think I could continue on that way any longer....I was tired...life has just been one unbearable pain and loss after another until it seemed finally better when I married my soul mate! It had taken me a couple of bad tries but it was/is definitely worth it in the because he's been my "rock, and my knight in shining armor". ..Always there/here for me as I try to be for him. He was with me during the car accident but he wasn't injured, luckily. ....But....
   From the beginning though...it hasn't been easy...it hasn't been easy for most people; Ive found out actually. But according to my Dr. and the people at the SSDI, I am their worst childhood/trauma/abuse case in the past 35 years! My parents had two baby boys and then me, a dark eyed, dark haired little rosey cheeked, baby girl. First, I think they were excited to have a girl..finally, after two sons! Then...being the "girl", I was expected to be "perfect". One day I asked my father "Why do you weigh me weekly and take things away from me and punish me if I gain weight? Why do you give me prizes if I lose weight? Why do you and my mother care so much about my weight?" My father said to me "You were born PERFECT! Your mother and I just want you to stay that way!"...Wow ..can anyone live up to that? I'll let you ponder that one on your own...
    I remember many things that were said to me that were hurtful. Even to this day, my family continues to get pleasure from my pain. Before my mother died on Dec 22, 2002 and during her last ten days of life; we had a chance to heal a bit and I forgave her.
     Though she is included with the people in my family who would say things to me that no parent or brother should ever say to their daughter or sister. For example, my mother told me that she "wished that I had died instead of my stillborn baby sister, Lisa Marie." She added that "Lisa would have been prettier and smarter than me; and she would have given me a "run for my money", with the boys! She would have been a nurse and gotten a great profession; while I was just going to be flailing my hands in the air in front of Deaf people." *(I went through the Madonna University's Sign Language Studies /Interpreting program and graduated with Honors in 1985 and with a degree in SLS/Interpreting/Humanities...I was on Dean's List all of my semesters and I graduated with honors.
    I didn't "walk" at my graduation because no one was going to come! They thought what I'd accomplished was nothing and "dumb" compared to my older brothers Masters degree in Pharmacy and the other one with his BA. Therefore the AA was "nothing" and not to be celebrated. I would've felt silly just accepting my degree all by myself, with no one there supporting me. My degree came in the regular mail and I still cherish it. I had to work extra hard because I had to help supplement any scholarship monies that I obtained. I got my AA degree in Sign Language Studies /Humanities and Interpreting for the Deaf.
    I have always had an obstacle to going back to finish only 4 more courses in order to obtain my BA degree.Now I 'm permanently disabled and unable to read and retain whatever I read due to the MTBI and the Horrible pain of RSD/CRPS. I also ended up losing my oldest daughter in 2004, July 27th. She left because she was "sick of my pain and surgeries" and "she didn't like our rules". She moved in with her then boyfriend and his mother at the age of 18 & just barely done with High school!!!!
    Between my abusive father,brothers, ex husband ;his parents and my oldest daughters "boyfriend"(now husband) and even his mother... they all had a role in helping to "twist" her mind against us; mostly against me. The first first three years or so I sent cards,letters and small gifts via snail mail and never heard a word back from her. I tried, I readlly tried to make things better. I even called and "out of the blue" I asked her to meet for lunch. We did so but she was so brainwashed already totally against my husband and totally taking any and all "blame" away from her father and his antics, lies, and even the truth of the court records, that she wouldn't even look at but they prove the truth because court transcripts cannot tell a lie...
     The sickest thing of it all is that my father who had helped me at one time by having his best friend, our family friend, write a letter to the courts telling how he had "witnessed abusive behaviors towards me by my ex and in front of our girls! Then he "hurt another girl" by following her down the highway making gestures that were demented and "sick". It was all in the newspaper. He was found "guilty" by a jury of "indecent exposure and obscene conduct". He cannot ever be a cop again. But....she...my daughter...my eldest who I raised mostly alone and who I was always there for no matter how much I was in pain or if I was sick...I was there for her always so she'd always have someone in the audience rooting for her at every and any event.I showed my girls love in every way possible. I brought them forgotten homework and left work to bring it and then go back to work. I came from work to watch them in a "show" or a little something at school, I wanted them to know how loved they are and how much they meant to me, even if the others in their life let them down, I never would!
    I'm so sad most days about this. I still cannot believe how much time has gone by. I will never stop loving my oldest daughter....but she, my father and brother's must have said some horrible horrible things (lies) about me to my father's girlfriend. Because that day we ran into them at the coffee shop and I walked up to her to introduce myself. I was as kind as can be and she'd never even met nor seen me before and only knows whatever lies she's been told. How could she just look at me with those evil, scary eyes and say nothing while her face told me that "if looks could kill, I'd be dead right then". Finally she was looking at me as if I was some kind of "psycho murderer" or something horrid ...it was terrible and so opposite of what any kind of Christian would have done. Dad must have gotten someone with no spiritual life whatsoever this time. Then the way she walked around the other side of the table to get away from me and got away without having to even let her shadow touch mine; it was pathetic and evil. Then my father walked out and looked around. He saw me, his daughter who he allowed just last Summer, to hug him in front of the entire family of aunts, uncles, cousins at his sisters funeral;**(it was so he could put on a "big show" for them!!)! Because when it came down to just him and his girlfriend (who wasn't at the funeral for the reason that he knew they might say some nice things about me and how I used to love my aunt so much and do her nails, hair and makeup to help her feel better etc.. and their family (my cousins) called me their families "angel" because I helped with my Aunt by us visiting, playing cards and helping her with her hair, nails and getting clothing at the mall sometimes ...etc..)...he did not want his girlfriend to hear anything "nice" or "normal" about me after all the lies he and my brothers and now my oldest daughter have all told to everyone and even everyone at her wedding! It hurts so much...day after day...

I must add that I do forgive them..my abusers...but that doesn't mean that I have to stand by and continue to allow them to abuse me and hurt me continuously forever, without end....Thank you for your time and for listening to my story...this is a small part of many more horrible stories like these... Lastly, I had a heart attack that first Mothers day after my daughter had left. My husband called her to tell her but she never called back to see if I even lived or not. Also then a year later, I had a stroke/CVA and my right side, which is my "worst side" got more worse. My eye won't close all the way and I trip over my feet and have braces to wear and a motorized scooter, a walker and a cane for when I need them for long "walking" trips so I don't trip over my feet that I am unable to pick up and therefore I trip. So much has happened...it keeps continuing to happen...I am thankful for my God...I don't know what I would have done all of this time without his love and his presence...Anyways...thank you again for reading...love,Suzanne
I thank God for Amy every day and the Love we have for eachother and the mutual respect!

The Day The Music Died!

2011-10-01T17:01:00.001-04:00

My hubby and Jessy putting the Angel on the Tree

My girls with their friends at our home, having a "tea party"!!

My two baby girls Jessy & Amy 31/2 and 2 mos old

Hello Luvs,
Well it's been awhile since I've had the chance to write here. This is my special place to write the things I want to write and sometimes the things I feel the "need" to write. I had tried to always at the beginning, make my posts all upbeat and cheery. But is anyone really "always" upbeat and cheerful? Not if they are telling the truth, right? So I decided to write exactly how I feel but not in a depressing way, if I can help it at all.
Well, I did get through that experience with the Cardiac Catheterization "from Hell". I'm still here and it's been about a month now since I went through that experience. The problem now is that sadly, it isn't over and now it may never be "over". Just what I was afraid would or could happen, did happen! My RSD/CRPS did in fact and has spread through to my arm/hands much worse than before. I already had "full body RSD" but since this last test, the cardiac cath; my hands and wrists and arms have been worse than ever before, just like I warned that Cath lab Dr. would happen.
As I was pleading with the Cath lab Dr. to please not push the catheter through my wrist; the ramifications of what could or might happen were running through my mind! The fact that I have "full Body RSD/CRPS" and have been diagnosed with it by several different Dr's since 2007, means that I am aware of what could potentially happen with regards to my own "personal" RSD process.
I started out in 2002 with "chronic intractable pain" from a M.V.A. A man and his wife ran through a red light only a few miles from our home. Within seconds, my life and my families' lives were forever changed; different, and not for the better. So as not to beat that "dead horse" to death and talk about the injuries from that accident again and again. I will just leave it at these next few sentences explaining the short version just for the sake of those people that don't already know about it, just in all fairness. I started out unconscious at the scene; and was "out" for about 20-30 minutes is what I was informed. When I awoke, the only thing I really remember are bright lights and being in the most pain ever in my life and being strapped in by my neck and full body onto a board. Upon awakening, I felt afraid and being strapped down is not my within my gamut of safe feelings! I don't remember the hospital ride as I vascillated "in" and "out" of consciousness. The next thing I knew I was still strapped down on the board, with my head also strapped down via a neck brace! The hospital experience was at St. Joe's in A2, Michigan. It was the WORST hospital experience ever in my life!
OK...so we'll skip alot of time, tests, 7 yrs of PT, 3 yrs of Brain Injury rehabilitation for TBI, 5 surgeries, balance clinic, 2 hearing aids, glasses with special lenses called "prisms"(because my eyes stopped working together as a "team" from the TBI), 2 AFO's(ankle/foot orthotic braces for "foot drop"(from damaged lumbar discs and nerves involved with L-4,L-5 and S-1),2 knees "whacked out of alignment" and with "parrot beak tears" and torn meniscus's, right arm/shoulder nerve pain from long thoracic nerve damage, 2 screws in my left shoulder from two torn rotator cuffs and a ruptured biceps tendon, a pacemaker placed due to exacerbated "SSS/or brady-tachy arrythmia"(as a result of POTS/NCS & Dysautonamia also from the TBI). OK take a breather.... Now add to the above: many years of pain Dr.visits for "chronic intractable pain" (including: biofeedback, epidural blocks/injections, trigger point injections, cortisone injections &more). I saw many other specialists during this time frame, including but not limited to: a Psychologist, Neurologist, PMR Dr's, Arthritis Dr.'s, Hematologist, Orthopedic specialist's, ENT, Neuro-Opthamologist and even a world renowned Neuro-Cardiologist! The latter is the one who diagnosed me with the fact that I had "Dysautonamia, POTS/NCS" prior to the MVA but that the MVA made it a much "bigger problem"!
I had to undergo 4 CT arthrograms (awful, horrible & barbaric* tests from "dinosaur ages" practically. Now days rarely and only used for people who cannot have an MRI scan or any test with a "magnetic field," due to my pacemaker or metal in their body). I had to have one Arthrogram done on each shoulder. One on each knee and then I had two of my surgeries due to the results of those Arthrograms; including titanium screws in my left shoulder. *I had several orthopedic shoulder Dr's, even one of the best from U of M; tell me "nothing we can do, what part of that don't you understand? Is it the brain injury?" UGGGHH!!! But I just knew something was more wrong than rotator cuff tears at least in the left one...finally a shoulder guy at Providence Hospital took one look and touched it in a certain way and I went through the roof! He knew that I had had a ruptured biceps tendon and it had re-grown for a whole year while I saw all of those different Dr's etc....He told me we had to go in and unattach the biceps tendon from the bone where it had re-grown in the wrong place and then drill 2 screws into my shoulder and reattach the biceps tendon the correct way!! Wow...someone finally listened and that "nerve zing" went away finally!!!...that nerve "zing" that I was telling every Dr. about since the accident and told every specialist that I saw. He even sent me then to the Cleveland Clinic for the other shoulder where the right long thoracic nerve is damaged & my right shoulder blade sticks out, and I have unbearable nerve pain and my shoulder doesn't hold my right arm in the right way. They could only offer me a huge surgery called a "nerve/muscle cadaver transfer"; where they would take nerves and muscle from a cadaver and transplant into me in hopes that it would at least help that one big painful area of my body (this was all BEFORE I got RSD/CRPS). That Cleveland Clinic Orthopedic Dr. and my Dr. decided that was too large of a surgery for a "high risk" patient with many health issues. Therefore I was "stuck" having this pain forever most likely. I didn't know that I was then headed for RSD/CRPS in a couple of years down the road to add to the "chronic intractable pain" that I had gotten from MVA injuries. Injuries that were going to make me permanently disabled "forever". I cried when I got my first "Permanently disabled" Handicap driver tab for the rear view mirror of our car. My husband and I actually both cried on our way out of the Dr's office visit when we got the paper that said that on it. I'll never forget that dayl
I'm sure I'm forgetting something. I'm always forgetting because of the TBI *(traumatic brain inury)! I have no short term memory. It actually states in my test results from the Neuro-Psych testing; that my "short term memory is in the toilet"!! Yes, that's exactly what it states in my records! It's not "brain fog" or the RSD (I'm sure it's worse due to these things because people with RSD do get "RSD brain fog"and such). It's not my ripe "old age" of 49 years, but which started almost 10 years ago due to the MVA, so I was only 39 years old at that time! Nope...not the "age" thing either.
It's been a rough month; or if I can be quite candid.. it's been a rough nine years! No...wait...let me take that back...The disability people and my team of Dr's have said that I'm their "worst childhood trauma/abuse case that they've seen in the past 35 years or so"...I'd actually say that it's been kind of a rough almost 50 years or so!
t I'm not a "OH....Poor Me" person. When things get worse or tougher for me, that's when I find more things to be thankful for and more things to be happy about. I push myself to do what I can do to try and cheer up others who are ill or hurting. This is how I became a "chemo-angel" and an RSD Mentor. I try to help others who are going through this same pain "monster"/RSD, that I've been dealing with for going on 5 years now.
My mom died three months after my auto accident from colon cancer. I saw my mother looking more frail than I'd ever seen her. This did not even resemble the woman who had punched me in the head until I thought I was going to die when I was 12 years old; or the mom who took a gun out on me several times during my adolescence. We cannot "blame" my mother though. My father was her "enabler" and my brothers would always tell me "she's sick" and "it's not her fault". They would tell me to just "be a good girl" and don't get her upset. So I always tried to be a "good girl"...I was a "good girl"...and I've always prided myself in staying that way.
In all fairness, it wasn't just my mom. She really was ill with a blood disorder among other health issues.She had a hard childhood to say the least. My fathers excuse is most likely the years he endured emotional and physical abuse at the hands of his alcoholic father who left him alone to be raised by his 3 sisters at age 4,when his mom died. His sisters all married during the year he turned 9, and left him in the hands of their father, the man they couldn't wait to get away from.
In 2006 I suffered a CVA/stroke due to atrial fibrillation which happened as a result of a mild heart attack in 2005. My cardiologist told me that I was his first true case of "broken heart syndrome". He knew my daughters because I had brought them with me to my appointments and he watched them grow up. He realized and noticed how I gave them so much love and attention. I cared for them more than anything in the world. I lived and breathed for them, they were my life. When my oldest left our home in the meanest way possible and told lies about me to people; even telling them that her mom is "crazy" because of the car accident injuries.
My father aided my oldest daughter in leaving me/our home at age 18 and just out of high school. He helped turn her against me/us. I wouldn't allow drinking, drugs, alcohol or sleepovers with boys. When I begged my father for help with her, he just told me "things are different these days".
To dig salt into my wounds even more, my father sat next to my abusive ex husband during "MY" daughter's wedding; knowing that I was not even invited, told or included in any way. My older brother also went. They all sat there and lied with my daughter in telling people that I wasn't there because I am "crazy" *(meaning that my TBI = crazy and that's not true at all. I have very bad "short term memory" ).
My ex wanted revenge for my being sopena'd to court to tell the truth under oath, about the abuse I endured during my 8 year marriage to him! He had been found "guilty" of "hurting" another girl after me. My father wants revenge because after I confronted my parents in 1997, about childhood abuse that I suffered at their hands; they disowned me. He and my mother wouldn't see my children or me. But they blamed me instead...they told people I wouldn't "let them see the girls". That was not true. They made a choice not to see the girls because they were angry with me. I never told the girls they could not speak to their grandparents either. But they were my little girls and they stuck by their momma at that time.
As they grew up, my oldest decided that she could do more "bad" behaviors and not be "in trouble" for them with her dad; who wasn't involved in their lives much at all because he was court ordered to have only "supervised visits". He hardly ever took advantage of that and moved 1,000 miles away. He waited and sent cell phones to entice them to talk to him. I was just dumb enough to allow them to have the cell phones at ages 11 and 13yrs. I had said "no" when he told me he was going to get the cell phones. But he sent them anyways. I now know it was totally to his own advantage. He "used" the cell phones to "get into our home" and lie to our girls about me; even after I had raised them mostly on my own!!
Then, the rules in our home seemed like they were just too constricting for all of the "excitement" that a teenage girl(my oldest) may have only imagined; if not for her father,my father and those cell phones. I blame myself for saying "no" to the cell phones and then allowing them to have the phones anyways. This is what ruined my relationship with my oldest daughter who I once called my "sunshine girl". Who now I don't get to call at all. Those people, including her boyfriend /now husband, and his mother all told her that I was "too strict"....a "strict freak" and a "Jesus freak". But I really just wanted my girls to behave like they should and as they always had in the past. I wanted my oldest to not engage in gross behaviors. She and I had always been close and she was always a good girl and so was my youngest. I always was proud of their behavior any place I took them.

Us watching Jessy at a Swim meet while I was watching through the window in my wheelchair!

My two babies playing together!

Jessy and Amy at our Traditional and Annual Cider Mill Outing!!

Jessy just before she got married in 2009

At her 8th grade Confirmation, my oldest was rolling her skirt up to make it shorter. She was doing this as she was walking up to the altar to meet the Archbishop of Detroit. That was the day the "music died"....for me..everything went downhill after that...because I found out many other behaviors she was engaging in and again I was mortified, surprised, angry and saddened. This was my "baby"....I thought I had brought her up better than that? I know she would like to blame it on other things, like the car accident for example, but she was only 15 years old and had been grounded for being caught doing something very wrong 2 weeks prior to her 16th birthday! That was May of 2002 and the car accident wasn't until August 2002. You do the math!

The Cardiac Catheterization from Hell and the RSD Pain Afterwards!

2011-09-02T15:26:00.003-04:00

part of the floral arrangement that was delivered to my home afterwards from my dear friend and "sissy"

the note on the floral arrangement...this meant everything to me!

Hello all,

Here is a little video about the procedure that I had done this last Tuesday. Mine was a little different in the fact that A) there was no anesthesiologist and B) I was not "out" or "drowsy" or "sleepy" in any way, shape or form...in fact I was very awake and it was like a nightmare being strapped down and totally out of control while they are not listening to you when you are screaming and crying "I CAN FEEL THIS"...."IM NOT ASLEEP or EVEN DROWSY"...."I'M STILL AWAKE!!!" ...it was horrible and I have RSD/CRPS besides. They put the catheter into my worst RSD arm/wrist which has made for a terribly painful week for me now with swelling, redness, and extra horrible pain from not only the RSD but then from the catheter site as they chose to go through my wrist instead. I was not asleeep, nor was I drowsy in the least! I kept on yelling that to them. They kept feeding "VERSED" into my IV about 7 times, I think they tried and nothing was working!! They also added Dilauded twice but still nothing put me out of my misery. Mostly because of the pain meds that I'm on already 24/7 for my chronic pain and debilitating Neurological disease called "Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy or Complex Regional Pain Syndrome". This most likely will not happen to you if you have the test done unless you are a pain patient already in intense chronic intractable pain and on medication for it 24/7.

Here are a few pictures, video's etc. to show you what I went through; though I was not drowsy in any way , shape or form...

This is a video to show you what they normally do during this procedure!

my right RSD wrist after the cardiac cath....it hurts worse than it looks!

It hurts much more than it appears , believe me and RSD too!


a beautiful flower bouquet that I got from one of my very best friends...and she's like a "sister" to me

the little "angel teddy bear" embedded into the floral arrangement! Also there's a butterfly too!

Here are a few pictures of what my wrist and arm looks like now and after the procedure and today is now Friday. I had this done on Tuesday and my arm still hurts so much and into my shoulder, wrist etc. I feel like I've been run over by a horse or something and I'm totally exhausted and in pain up to about a 9 on the pain scale. Not having fun at all.....not this week...better luck next week! Thanks all xo

Oh My Goodness...Does It Ever End??? ...and....I'm Scared!!!

2011-08-27T00:28:00.000-04:00

Amy and "Craig/dad" ..she loves him...he loves her as his own

My daugther, Amy and me..this is true family love...LOL

this is my father at an earlier time when I was trying hard ...again!

Hello Luvs,
    Well, this used to be a pretty happy blog, or at least I thought so. I tried to keep it as upbeat as possible and I mostly kept my "private" blog for anything that I was upset or sad about. But lately, I've felt like not "hiding" from the world all of the atrocities and horrible things that seem to haunt me.
This was sooo not my week! It's been one bad thing after another and I'm ready to just .... well....keep going ....keep trying....keep praying.... and continue getting up each day! What else can I do? What other choices do I have? First of all I had an exercise stress test last week. Usually my Cardiologist doesn't call and have me come in for results. I just don't see him until my next check up and he tells me that everything was or is about the same as before. Which is that I have "SSS" or "sick sinus syndrome" and a MVP or "mitral valve prolapse" with minor regurgitation, tricuspid valve same as the MV and then the Pulmonary valve is a tad bit insufficient. I've always had low cholesterol about 169..for years and years. I'm not overweight by any means but I'm not super skinny either. I guess I'd say I'm about "just right" in that respect.
    Well, I have to get my pacemaker replaced most likely within the next 10 mos from this past June! It's been in for 8 years now, not too bad! Because of the upcoming surgery (because my pacemaker was placed inside of my pectoral muscle in my upper left chest. I had to have mine inside of the muscle to keep in less vulnerable because I was so thin 8 years ago), my cardiologist said that I should have an exercise stress test.
   Well, I went into the hospital and they took me to the room, the waiting room where they told me to drink a few glasses of water. I was called back and told to lie down with a nice warm blanket and just wait for the "ride". They gave me an IV and put some radioactive tracers inside of it; that would travel to my heart and they would take pictures at rest and then after "exercise/exertion". They would watch the blood and oxygen flow in and out of my heart. The tracers stick in your heart and don't hurt you but they show the blood flow easier so the technician can read it better.
My body didn't like this test! I had one of these same tests about 5 years ago. They thought they saw a "little something" but not quite sure so they didn't do anything about it, just wait and see. This time I was expecting the same thing but it was much worse. I felt my throat burning and my chest burning and was dizzy and couldn't breath. I started shivering and crying which didn't help either! I called for Craig and the tech let him come in and she told me I had to feel this way for 5 minutes. It was a long 5 minutes! Then she gave me antidote. It did not work and she had to administer another, when finally that 2nd one worked and I settled down to normal. Well...not quite "normal" because I still felt somewhat nauseaus and then I stood up to try and leave and I vomited. It was just a little bit, but I still was quite nauseated and then it went away!
   I went away back upstairs to my Dr's office and got my echocardiogram. Then we finished up with an EKG and I went home. I was expecting to have to call them and just ask if everything went OK and they'd tell me it was all "fine" and I'd see him again in 6 months! That's not how it ended up!
   The Dr.'s office called and said I had to "come in to see the Dr. as he wants to speak to me about the tests that I had last week". I right away got a bit scared or suspicious is more like it; but I tried not to let it take over me. Craig is still off for the Summer and he took me to the Dr's office for the results. I was surprised and scared! I was not expecting to hear what the Dr. said next.
    He said that "this test was much different from the last one. There are some suspicious areas that appear to be blockages of the bood flow to your heart". He then told me that I had to have a "Cardiac Catheterization" done. I have to get it done next Tuesday! I asked him "what happens if I don't get this test done?" He said "you could have a bad heart attack and die"!!! YIKES!! That really hit home and scared me very much. So....this coming Tuesday, August 30th, I have to have a Cardiac Cath done. If they find blockages (because sometimes they can find "false positives or false negatives in the results")they will use a "balloon" to open up the blockages and/or put stent(s) in to keep the blood from clogging up in there. I guess the scariest part was what he told me next, without my asking him. He said that if this doesn't work then there's a slight chance I could have to have a bypass surgery! How scary is that??? I'm petrified and cannot even imagine that! I'm afraid enough of the cath. test! SO I'm just not going there, not thinking of that or bad things.
   Well, needless to say,I've been a bit scared and upset this week about this. Telling Amy wasn't any piece of "cake" either! She got so upset and cried and was really scared and afraid of losing me. I /we tried to reassure her that Dr. B. is a great Dr. and things will go fine! I should be home the same night. Unless of course, they find some blockages where they have to balloon or put a stent(s) in there. If this happens, then I would have to spend a night and they would just keep an eye on me. So we will see what happens. Hopefully, I'll be writing you next week and telling you how it went well and hopefully telling you that they found "nothing"!!
....Well...moving right along...you know how my family is and has been very abusive and have treated me horribly? Now included in that "family" is my 25 year old daughter who left our home and estranged herself from us at age 18. That's a whole other story and I'm not getting into it here. Just know that I love her, I will always love her and I'm crushed that she could lie and hurt me so badly. So much, she started to hate me and all I wanted was for her to behave in a reasonable manner. She started "siding" with the "enemy", my family(my father and 2 brothers), her father (who had been abusive to me also and to our dog...and then he hurt another girl and was convicted and found "Guilty"by a jury. He left me when she was 5 1/2yrs old, for an 18 yr old girl) and her father's family. It's been a hard and horror filled 7 years and my heart has been broken. So much so that I actually did have a mild heart attack in 2005, only 5 days after "mothers day"; my first one without my daughter. The heart Dr. said that I am his first case of "broken heart syndrome". My husband called to tell her and she never called back or even came to see me then. She used the excuse that my husband never called her back. But he did call her and he was busy with me and taking care of our other daughter, our younger one who's now 22yrs old.
    I'm thinking of all this because then tonight my husband and I were sitting at "Panera Bread", a coffee and bakery restaurant or shop. We were sitting outdoors eating our dinner that we'd just bought and we were listening to the free concert in the park, across the street! We do this pretty much every Friday and all Summer long!
    My youngest daughter was a Scottish Highland dancer for many years! She was a champion and won many first and second place trophies! It was such a fun time in our lives! Her old dance teacher saw us and stopped at our table at Panera and we talked and caught up a bit. When all of a sudden, Craig says to me "don't look now but Shirley is over there sitting by herself and your dad just went into the door of the coffee shop". Shirley is my dad's girlfriend. My mother died in 2002, he remarried within a year and half or so after being married 50 years ! He then divorced the woman and tried to "take her to the cleaners"! She gave up her house for him and her pension and her ex husbands pension which she cannot get back now. But she's very happy now to be out of the marriage. She even wrote me a letter after I'd written to her first. She told me that "your dad doesn't know what the truth is, he never speaks the truth". I don't want to hurt her so I'm not showing that letter, but I do have it. But she told me that she "always believed in me and every time she'd try to stick up for me with my dad and 2 brothers; they would get very angry and mean to her".(She believed that I have been abused and tormented and treated horribly by them. This is what I mean here). Needless to say, they divorced within 2 years and now my dad has a real "floozy" looking, acting girlfriend! My poor mother would turn over in her grave if she knows!
    Well, we were at Panera and while talking to my daughters dance teacher we saw Shirley sitting over there by herself and my dad had gone into the cafe/shop. He walked right by us and dont think he saw us and Shirley has never really seen me in person, so she didn't know me either...but I most certainly recognized her from the pictures!
    I decided that I would approach her as kindly and nicely as I could be. How can anyone be mean to someone if they are very kind to them, right? How can anyone think badly of you if they've never even met you, right? WRONG!! I walked up and very very sweetly said "Hello...Shirley? I am Suzanne"...she looked at me as if I'd just killed something or someone or as if I was an ax murderer and she got right up and walked away from me the other way without saying a word. Just a "bulldog" kind of face with too much make up and very "fake" looking! She walked away without any sliver of kindness and in fact with real "HATRED" in her look and in her eyes.
     I was a bit taken aback because I have never met her and how can someone hate you and treat you with such loathing, if they don't really "know" you nor ever have spoken to you or met you! Next, I sat back down and told Craig about it and the dance teacher finished up and said she was "sorry" and that she was going to "pray for me and my test Tuesday".
     Next, I saw my father walk out of the shop. He came out and we were sitting right there eating and drinking on the patio and listening to the free concert at the park still. He looked over to where he left Shirley and she was gone. He looked a little funny or maybe more "lost" with a lawn chair in his hand. She was standing around the side of the building (because Craig could see her) and she motioned to my dad and then he left. He left without ever saying a word or looking at me! Yet , last June at my Aunt's funeral in front of my dad's side of the family (I loved my Aunt Vera and we visited her often and played cards with her etc) my dad allowed me to come up and hug him and tell him "I was sorry" about him losing his sister. I tried to be a bigger person. I was sincerely kind. But he put on a show and then after telling my cousins that he didn't and wouldn't "speak to me again", he started to hug me tightly and hugged Craig and shook Craig's hand and told Craig "thank you for taking good care of her all of these years". He forced me to get in some pictures too and then ignored me at the funeral luncheon and then I 've not spoken to him since. This was the next time that I've seen him...tonight. But you see, he didn't bring Shirley to my Aunt's funeral. He didn't want her to see that my family on that side loves me and treats me wonderfully! He wouldn't have wanted her to hear them say such wonderful and kind things about me at her Eulogy. They spoke of how I did her hair and nails for her. They said how we went over and played cards with her and how we visited her often. He knew or knows that they love me and he couldn't carry on the lies about me to his girlfriend and in front of her if she'd have been there and heard that for herself!
   It saddens me that my own father could look right through me/us at 81 years old almost. He still cannot tell the truth and then just let it go! Instead he has to get more and more "revenge" and keep the meanness going via getting my big brother(s) to continue the meanness with texts, phone calls, emails or mail or even postcards. Anything they can do and any way they can do it just so they can "hurt me" more and more. My own brother knows that my daughter left us at age 18 yrs and how she turned against me/us for not allowing her to do "whatever she wished". He phoned me and asked me "why I wasn't at her wedding and if I'd gotten any "NEW" pictures of her lately?" He just wanted to be mean and horrible and "rub it in", the fact that I was not told or invited to my own daughter's wedding. The daughter I raised as a single mom for many years. The daughter I love and loved so very much and cared for night and day 24-7 and never left her side. I was the "ONLY" one in the audiences at any and every event she ever was in!! I was always there if I had to get off of work for just a couple of hours to go and see her in something at school (or her sister) and then go right back to work. I just was always there, because I knew I was the only one they could always count on to be there for them...and I was!
    Well, I hope nothing happens to me on Tuesday. I don't think so. Dr's do these things all of the time. But it does scare me a bit because I've had 2 cousins die right after this kind of test. One cousin in Arizona had not been off of his Coumadin or blood thinners for long enough time and he bled inside after the cath test. So when he stood up for the first time, the blood pooled in his chest and he died! He was in his 50's and a pilot with a beautiful girlfriend/fiance'! My other cousin was here in Michigan and as his daughter's drove away from the hospital after his procedure, he said he wasn't "feeling well" and they laughed it off and teased him because he's such a "joker". Then they looked at him and he didn't look very well. They drove right around to the ER and took him back into the hospital where he also died that day. So you see, I do have a reason to be afraid...very afraid.
    Well, I'm not them and I can do this, right? I have Amy and Craig and they need me and I'm strong woman who's been through alot of craaap...so I CAN do this! I will write again when it's all over and I'll tell you all about it, OK? Thanks for being here and letting me write it out...Have a wonderful life, a great weekend and evening!
Love and Hugs,

this is my aunt on the left...my father in the middle and that"mean" Shirley on the right!

SuzQ

Changing Seasons,Butterflies and How Time Flies!!

2011-08-23T00:50:00.000-04:00

Hello Luvs,
Wow...Summer time is coming to a close although, truly it doesn't end until September 21st or so; which is when Fall begins here in the Southeastern part of Michigan. The leaves on the trees will become quite colorful as they transform into shades of orange, red and yellow. That is my favorite time of year! The outdoor air starts to get a little chill and the clouds become more thick in shades of grey and white. This the the change of the Seasons. As another month goes by, or two....the beautiful shades of orange,red and yellow start turning into crispy brown! The leaves seemingly dance their way down, descending one by one to the ground, which is also turning brown! Then before we know it, the grass is becoming more sparse, also losing it's beautiful green color. The winds pick up from the North and "Old man Winter" is on his way. It all seems to happen in the blink of an eye! We go from hearing lawn mowers, croaking frogs and and watching beautiful, colorful flowers grow out of the ground to make their entrance for awhile. Then just as suddenly as they came up...all of this nature is happening in the background while we are hustling and bustling about in our busy day's and busy worlds. Then the time of being out in the "fresh air" and Sunshine will be over for a time while we get through our snow and the holidays. We will start the process all over again either using the time wisely or wasting it in some non productive way. We might even not realize which choice we've made if we are wrapped up in our: selves, pain, children, husbands and everything and anything but ourselves. It used to seem "selfish" to me if I thought about "me". Especially when I was a single mom; and maybe then it was and that's why I didn't do it. But when I married my husband Craig (we've been married now almost 15 yrs), I got to start thinking about myself a little bit for a change and realized how much pain I had really been in.

this is the cover of my book

     Inside of my turbulent heart, mind and soul; there was a war going on. I loved my parents and never would mistreat them or disrespect them; but I had to confront them because some of the things that happened while I was growing up, just didn't seem to make sense to me. I'm not sure how many of you knew or know that I have written a book? I have written it over the course of about 10 years and it has approximately 300 pages. I have a friend of mine (a PHD/Dr.) who had told me when I started it, that we would figure out a way to get it edited and then published. I also have another friend who does a radio show which has much to do with Politics. He also told me that this book "needed to be written". They both told me that if it got published, it would certainly help other "broken" people to see that they also can overcome adversities. The Dr. said "my book" could help those who've grown up in abusive households; and who've been hurt over and over again to later meet and marry abusive husbands until something happens or "clicks" *(Like it did with me) finally, and they also come out the other side "fighting" to keep a kind, hopeful heart and a loving, empathetic attitude towards others.
     My book has a lovely blue "cover" with a little girl (supposed to be me when I was a little girl ) standing in the clouds with a white Summer dress on. She is holding onto a butterfly and there are several butterflies around her *(my cousin's daughter, Mandy, did it artistically on the computer for me). It is called "Butterfly Tears...A Journey From Darkness Into Light". It is finished for now....as much as I can do with it. I would love to help others overcome the horror they've dealt with in their lives; as I still try to deal with mine. But aside from the fact that it takes quite a lot of money to get a book edited and published, even if I had that; I've decided that there are things in the book although 100% true, that I wouldn't want to use. I would never hurt anyone that I love. I cannot just write about those who've hurt me because there is much more to it than that! There are 1) those who have hurt me and don't care 2) those who've hurt me and who are still choosing to hurt me today and forever possibly? 3) there are those who hurt me at one time but would never ever want to hurt me like that again and, 4) there are those innocent people who are in this book but who really don't want to be "spoken of" in someone's book. This then starts to feel like an invasion of their privacy, even though it's my book.
   I do have a "story to tell" and it has a name/title but for now, this story is staying with me. It's in my heart and soul and on a couple of USB flash drives. For today and for now...this story will stay tucked away...maybe someday, someone with enough money will find it and they will get it published and everyone who is spoken about in it will have already lived their lives and they'll be old enough not to care anymore or they'll be gone from this world *(because it will be many many years from now)* and it won't make a difference in their lives anymore. Maybe my time will be over on earth also and someone will possibly find it and publish it! Even then, hopefully it will help others' who've been through what I've been through during my journey. It only matters that someday, somehow...someone will be helped by reading what I've been through and how I was then was willing to #1: get help for myself and #2: write it down for the people who have been through similar life journey's as my own!
Well, I sort of started out with the changing of the season's and how fast time can pass. The season's change so quickly as we get prepared for one it's already time to start getting ready for the next and it continues on like this over and over again. But as the time passes we cannot get back that time spent. We cannot go back and change the things we've said and/or done. Also there is no way to turn back time so that things can be changed or undone or maybe done over again. Once time is gone, it is never to return to that exact moment again. You must do your best with the time that you have been given because life is not like a "dress rehersal" it is the real thing!

this is a page in the scrapbook she made for me... Jessy wrote this in 2003

      In saying all of this, it doesn't mean that you cannot make things better in the future if something went wrong in your past. You can forgive and you can make things better. If you have wronged someone please think about it...go back and make things right. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong, it only matters that if you truly love or loved someone then you should really fix the situation. Too many people allow time to pass,they stay angry and then it's too late to fix it. The other person could be gone and your chances are over!
      This brings me back to December of 2002, when my mother was dying of Cancer. We had not spoken in years, probably on and off since about 1997 when I confronted my parents about the abuse I suffered growing up in our family home. All I really wanted was to feel loved and for them to say "We believe you and we are sorry and we truly do love you". Of course instead I got called a "liar" and things were never the same. Every time I would try to "make up" or make things better, I would get called horrible names and have bad things happen.
     I had been in a horrible car accident just 3 months prior to this date. Everything was decorated for Christmas, I was still in a wheelchair and in chronic intractable pain from my injuries. Suddenly I got a phone call from my Uncle who lives in South Dakota. He asked me if I "wanted to see my mother? She is ill, in the hospital and most likely not going to make it back home again". I quickly said "yes, of course"! We went directly to the hospital to see her. My father and brothers were in the room with my mother and blocking her and the door so that I couldn't get in with my wheelchair.
     My Uncle brought me and my 2 daughters, ages 14 and 16 up to my mothers room in the hospital. My poor husband was left downstairs because my mother had supposedly "ordered" that he not come up to her floor or her room. I felt horrible inside leaving him alone and should have probably just left with that "order". But something told me to say "goodbye" or I'd feel worse later on in life. My mom could still speak at that point. She told the girls to "be good girls and don't drink or smoke" and she told them she "loved them infinitey" while they stood against the wall, a bit shocked. They did hug her and she gave them each a hug and that was the last time they saw each other.
      The next night I had Craig bring me to the hospital to see her again and she didn't make him stay downstairs. He wasn't about to stay there anyways. He was ready to tell my family that he was coming up with me and he would stand outside of the room but that he wasn't staying on the first floor while I was up on the ? floor. My mom said nothing and Craig stayed outside and I once again tried to get into the room with my wheelchair. My brother, DSM wouldn't move out of the way so that I could get close to her. Finally, my father told him to move and he did. I sat and held my mom's hand and sang quietly to her ear "You'll be in My Heart", the song from the "Tarzan" movie. She couldn't speak anymore, but she did move her feet back and forth when I sang it to her so I knew she heard me.
     Finally, she allowed Craig to come into her room and she actually gave him a hug and he gave her one also. She must've wanted to make better with everyone as she knew she was dying. My Uncle played Scottish music on a little machine that he'd brought to play music in her room. My father told me to "stop calling on the phone to the hospital room because mom jumps a mile every time the phone rings because she thinks it's me"....he said she would jump and say "is that Suzanne? Is that Suzanne?" He told me I was gonna "give her a heart attack" so I had to, or better yet, I was "ordered" to "not call the room anymore".
      I found someone to drive me there every day for the next 10 days and Craig took me in the evenings. He had to work during the day and I wasn't able or allowed to drive because of my injuries and pain from the car accident that I was involved in just three months prior to this happening. Every time I went to visit, my brothers and father were there and my brother DSM tried to "block" me from seeing or being near my mother! Until my father told him to move, he would not budge! Every single time I went there, this would happen. I think they were jealous or upset that my mom actually still loved me and still wanted to see me. The last time we went on Dec 21st, 2002; she let me hug her and told me that she "loved me infinitey"; I knew that was 'HER' way of saying that she was "sorry" for the things that she may have done that were hurtful and/or abusive. I hugged her and told her that I "loved her infinitey" too! ( I didn't forget the "L", we really said "infinitey" LOL)
     The last time I saw my mother, I fainted after leaving her room and going into the hall. I had just used my loftstrand crutches that day and not the wheelchair. I had Dr's and nurses rushing over towards me and they told me that I should go to the E.R. because my BP was very low. My family thought I was "faking" of course. I didn't want to make a scene and just went home feeling like that was the last time I would ever see my mother alive. She died in the middle of the night but my father didn't call me until 5 or 6 hours after she was gone!
      I was very upset that he and my brothers were there and I was not told until many hours later. I was told after the body had been taken away and already cremated! I was very upset that I didn't get to say "goodbye". Then to top that, my dad and brothers were all 3 together along with my ex-sister in-law; at my parents home. They were all consoling each other and my father told me "NO", I could not come over and all of us be together after my mothers death. NO matter how upset you are with someone, I believe that you should let those things "go" when someone you love, dies. Families should stand by each other and console each other during these times, no matter how upset they are with each other about "life upsets" etc. I had my husband and my two daughters with me at that time and they consoled me and with all that had gone on, it seemed as though my daughters were not too bothered by their "Nuna's" passing. At one time they seemed to be so close. They had tea parties and played "Barbie 's" and games with my mom. But when I confronted them, and the girls heard my brother DSM call me some horrible horrible names and my parents did nothing about it except lie and tell Craig and everyone else that "I" said those horrible things to my mother; when DSM actually said them to me! It was horrible and the girls and I were called "liars" by my father. It was one of the very first times that it really "hit" them, that their grandfather was a bad person and a liar. It sunk in that all of the things they'd seen and heard about what had happened to me in the past; and all of the things they'd witnessed on their own now, all made more sense!
     Since that time, my parents, especially my father, wanted "revenge" upon me. Just as my ex-husband (my girls bio father) also wanted "revenge" on me because I was called to testify against him in court when he was found "guilty" of "obscene conduct and "indecent exposure". He had "hurt" another girls besides just me and he was found "guilty". He was told by the Child and Family Services that he could "not see the girls without a supervisor". He had to "find the supervisor and pay for one". He chose to move out of state. He moved 1,000 miles away and chose to stay away and out of his daughters lives for the most part. He would come back and forth once in awhile. He got married and didn't invite them or even tell them until 2 weeks later. His excuse was that "your mom wouldn't have allowed you to come". He never gave me a chance because if they went with their grandparents, his parents; I may have let them go "IF" they wanted to go. Instead I was made to look like the 'bad guy' as usual by him, when really he was the documented "abuser" and law breaker.
      Somehow time went by...somehow I lost my oldest daughter in that "time". She started drifting away from us at age 13 and I tried to stop it. I did my very best but there are many things that I would change now if I could go back. I love her and I miss her with all of my heart and soul. But my father and her father have gotten their "revenge". They helped turn her against me/us. She went from being my sweet "sunshine girl" who made me many beautiful notes and a scrapbook with pictures of us and many beautiful memories of times we had together to being someone that I don't even know or see anymore.
     It's been almost 7 years now and she has never come back or even tried. I've sent many letters and cards and small gifts to her via "snail mail". But have had nothing in return; except for her BFF "accosting" me in the mall one day this year when I was with my friend. She was accusing me of never calling or doing anything when for the first 4 or 5 years I wrote and sent cards/notes/gifts almost every week! But this girl has only known her for 4 or 5 years! She knows nothing except what she's been told by my daughter. She was not there all of the years that I was a single mom, working full time and taking care of two little girls! She helped to pick out my husband of 15 yrs now! He was her 4th grade teacher and she wanted us to get married!
      She got married and didn't even tell me or invite me or her little sister who's now 22 yrs old and in graduate school and working two jobs; living at home with us while she does all of this for now. My oldest invited my abusive father and brother(s) and my ex sister-in-law and her grandparents that were not there for her all of her life! But me...the "momma"...the mother who was there for her 100% was not invited. When I saw the pictures of my abusive father laughing and talking with my abusive ex-husband; it made me almost vomit! I'm sorry but that is the truth. My father even helped me by helping me pay for my attorney back in 1992, when their father first had gotten in trouble with the law! He got his own best friend to write a letter of my good character and their fathers "abusiveness" that "he witnessed"! He signed it and sent it to the judge! But now they shake hands and laugh and sit with my ex husband who was abusive and who cheated on me several times with several different woman!
    It hurts....it still hurts....but I must say that I had forgiven them all. I even invited my ex husband to my oldest daughters graduation party and first communion and any events where there would be many people there so he wouldn't be "alone" with the girls; as the judge had directed. Then all of this happened and it happened after the car accident and all of my injuries, surgeries and horrible chronic intractable pain. It still continued after my acquiring RSD/CRPS and the MTBI from the car accident and after the heart attack in 2005 and the CVA in 2006 that ocurred due to atrial fibrillation that I got after the heart attack in '05 (only 5 days after the first "Mothers Day without my daughter).
      Well, I've really written a "book" this time haven't I? Sorry this is so long! I hope it keeps your interest and you find it somewhat interesting to read. I will end it here today because my whole true thought for this post was "time". Time comes and time can be treasured. Then time goes by no matter if you want it to or not!! Please make the time that you have "count"...because it can be gone in a heartbeat. Things can change so that your former life is unrecognizable and this can happen in just a few moments and by no choice of your own.
        Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read my blog...Love, and gentle hugs,
Suzanne

Jessy at 3 weeks old!

Jessy at 9 mos old in her "eskimo" outfit

Jessy at 18 mos old

Jessy at 6 mos old ,Christmas time 1986

Jessy at 8 mos old

Jessy and her friend in middle school getting the "ALL A's award" and I was there for her!!! As I always was there for her; clapping and so proud!

Jessy's First Communion, 2nd grade...my little "angel"


When my mom died, we took my dad on a River boat "cruise" on "Fathers Day"

Jessy lied and said she was at work, she didn't want to go and we didn't want to hurt his feelings...she was angry with him, didn't like him for how he'd treated me and her...but he was invited to her wedding..I 'll never understand...the hurt is so very deep..

My favorite music to share with you!

2011-08-09T15:19:00.003-04:00

My Daughter ..I Will Love Her... Infinitey....

2011-08-05T03:46:00.001-04:00

My Daughter Forever...Infinitey!
OR At Least In My Heart & Mind..

Hello Luvs,
It's me ...just writing to you from my home in Michigan. I'm able to talk with you here due to the progression of technology! I think technology is wonderful and I'm fascinated by it!
If you are a parent or someone that has suffered a loss; then you can probably relate to my "losing" my oldest daughter. If you'd like to read this blog, go ahead and get comfortable. Grab a "cuppa tea" and we can lament together today for just a little while. If not, you might prefer to read one of my earlier blogs because I don't always write about loss! I try really hard, in fact, NOT to write very often about heartache and sadness. I don't want to, nor do I like
But today I'm in quite a bit more emotional pain than I have been in lately. The two go hand in hand sometimes : physical and emotional pain. One can exacerbate the other. Today's pain feels different than my usual physical pain; mostly because I whacked my elbow on a door last night while "wobbling" for the restroom in a 1/2 sleepy state.
Well, first of all, I hurt more because last night during one of my "night walking" insomniac trips from the bed to the restroom, I whacked my right elbow on the wooden door frame sticking out from our hall closet on the way to the restroom!

      So..Luvs, what I wanted to talk about is a subject that I swore I would NOT make a "daily" occurrence in this specific blog ( I have another "Private" blog that I can write whenever, whatever I want). I don't want to "turn off" people from reading but I guess that today I just need to get this out a bit more. It could get boring to read about but if you've ever "lost" a child, you would then understand. I also say if you have not walked in my shoes for one day, you cannot fairly judge me because you don't know what I go through, right?
    I really miss my "JLC", my baby girl! I know I know...she has lied about me and my husband and even her little sister. She also was literally screaming at me over the telephone in front of our lawyer and while we were in his office. Yes, he could hear her yelling and telling me off right there while the phone was in my ear and not his! He heard everything she said! She was screaming at me because she somehow was under the impression that I'd given my dad, her "Papa," her home address to the apartment she lived in a few years ago. I never did give any such information to my father. But as the way things always have gone around here with JLC especially, she "assumes" that I do or have done or said all of these "things" which I would never have ever even thought of doing/saying! I never have and never will deliberately hurt her in any way, shape or form. That's why I'm still not quite sure why she assumes the worst of me ? So...back to the phone call: my lawyer was mouthing the words to me "hang up on her!!" Later, he told me again, "Don't allow your daughter to talk to you like that!!!" He told me " tell her to call back when she can speak to you politely and calmly and then you will talk"! I never had the "guts" to say any of it. I allowed her beat me up one side and down the other*(with verbal attacks) just because I guess I have or had been "used to" that kind of treatment for most of my life! Always from the people who were supposed to love me, as "sad" as that may be.
     That telephone incident did happen in 2005, but it is just how things happened with JLC as she started growing up and then talking with her father more and more.
        l still get accused of saying/doing things that never happened! The "bad, ignorant" people of the world just blindly believe her! Her boyfriend's (now husband) mother and his now deceased father believed it. They never once took into consideration that there might be another side to her stories! Just as her BFF believes her 100% "blindly," without ever knowing me or meeting me. She also thinks that knowing JLC for "5 years" makes her "an expert" who thinks she has all of the facts straight about JLC's life! I was there, I raised her "alone" for the most part of her first 18 years of life! I was her Mother AND her "father"!
     If you look back a few weeks ago I was accosted by her BFF in the middle of the "GAP" store in the mall for "not calling her enough or sending her enough "stuff" by mail! WHAT???? JLC hates me and wants nothing to do with me, and hasn't since she was about 16 yrs old, maybe 17 yrs old (*which by the way, is when I "caught" her doing things against our family's moral values and rules. I took her and tried to get help! She totally resisted 100%...she just was going to do what "she" wanted to do without any regards for faith, morality, honor or the person I had tried to raise her to be! It wasn't that I didn't or don't love her unconditionally, because I do and I always will. But I cannot and will not live in the same house with a person (whether I gave her life or not) who is calling me horrible names and lying about me; when all I've ever ever done is try to be the very best mom I could be. If that meant that I was considered "Mean" or called a "Jesus freak" because I wouldn't "allow" or "give permission" for her to sleep over at her boyfriend's house at age 16 1/2 -17(after we'd already been through all of that when she was just 15! I had many people speak to her then and she'd been grounded!) well then I guess I'm a mean mom! More power to me for trying my very best to give my daughters morality and an honest, clean and "good" life.
     The counselors at "Growth works", a place for families "in trouble", told my husband and I that we could "lose" our kids if we stick to our moral values. Also if we don't back down,"give in" and/or allow our teens to do unlawful, immoral things with our approval.
     Well the unthinkable happened...something that I NEVER thought could ever happen to ME...to US!! I did lose my daughter (really at about age 14,but I would not allow myself to believe it) when she was still home with us but I didn't figure it all out until she actually walked out the door with her clothes, her "stuff" and her car at age 18.. and had just graduated from High school one month prior!
    She had "honors" until she met D.E. in 11th grade, but after that her grades went from 3.7 or 3.8 to 2.5. Her classes went from "College Prep" and "Spanish" to "Living on your Own" and Art classes which I would have totally loved and approved of but she started putting her name on work which was not hers...then I was not happy. She had a "Sewing" class in 12th grade and was not trying at all. I told her I would help her with the "hand sewing" parts but that I don't know how to work a sewing machine and never had an interest to do so. She never did the project and put it off and put it off. Then one day I was up in her room talking with her and her then, BFF, K.H., and she and K.H. were hanging out in her bedroom talking and laughing etc. I came out and asked her about her sewing class project that was for most of her grade in that sewing class. She AND her BFF, must have thought I was stupid and/or born yesterday!! They told me to look into JLC's closet, which I did and to "get out the black Hoodie" in there. I pulled out this "store bought black hoodie" and looked at it. I told her "there's no way you made this!" I could see where the tags were torn off and they were lying to appease me and to get me to shut up! I was so insensed that I didn't even fight about it. I let it go and figured that the teacher would be punishing her enough by not giving her a good grade. Guess what?? She failed that project and I wasn't so stupid after all!
     Anyways, remember I told you that I was getting "yelled at" (over the phone in the attorney's office) by JLC for supposedly "giving my father her address, because my father is "crazy" according to her during that phone call and during that point in her life. She didn't want him knowing where she lived for fear of him "being intrusive" because that's just what he does and who he is as a person. Yet...HE is the one she invited to her wedding. This "crazy" grandfather who she was calling "intrusive" and "crazy" is the same "grandfather" who stopped sending her birthday cards /gifts as a child because he and my mother were angry with me, their own daughter, but took it out on their granddaughters! Another time my parents lied and told herJLC they were going to pay the $350.00 for her first phase of "Driver Ed". My mom told her she'd saved up that money and wanted to pay for her Driver Ed classes. That way we would pay for our other daughter when the time came and it would actually have helped us out a bit. But...JLC called my parents and even though I told her she could only call them if she was "respectful", she called and yelled at them when they cancelled Christmas eve on us and told us NOT to come over because my oldest brother SBM was in a relationship with an Asian woman*(who my mother called horrible ethnic names), and he actually helped to break up this woman's marriage (she had 2 children);while he was still married to his wife of 13 yrs. *He always said he "felt" forced to marry her because TSR was the "ONLY" girl my parents would accept. So he just gave in and married her. He told her "no kids" and she relentlessly accepted that at first but then it became a huge problem for them over the years because she wanted kids and he didn't. Although he had told her ahead of time that he didn't ever want any kids!
     So the story is this...my brother didn't want his girlfriend (TLB) to know that his ex (TSR) was going to be at my mom's Christmas Eve "party". He knew she'd become friends with me (at his begging for me to be her friend!!)and that she would ask me things to get me to tell her the "TRUTH" as she knows that is important to me. But I would tell the truth and then there'd be huge ramifications for me and "pay backs" from my family! They saw nothing wrong with SBM leaving his girlfriend (that he 99% lived with) home alone on Christmas eve and lying to her about going to his parents home alone; knowing all along that his ex wife would be there the whole time.
     My brother's girlfriend was never welcome in their (my parent's) home because she was "the other woman" and another Nationality... even though it was just as much my brothers fault too! So he made sure that he got my parents angry with me about anything and everything so that we wouldn't come on Xmas eve and then he wouldn't have to worry about the "truth" getting to his girlfriend! But then that last Christmas eve before my mom died, I was set up to make the Ambrosia salad and a few other things (which my dad had to go and buy each single ingredient because he just knew I didn't have enough Moxy to do it well on my own!!!
    He came to our home and asked me to put the "stuff" on the porch because he was "coming by to pick it up and we were no longer invited for Christmas" ..."because I had told that "thing" (Steve's girlfriend) that TSR (his ex wife) was going to be at our family Xmas eve party and it got SBM and his girlfriend, TLB in a fight! Then I told my father that if he wanted his "stuff" back, he'd have to come to the door and get it! He did it...he came and got it! Then a few hours later my brothers called and told us on our answering machine (after we'd made other plans and the kids had gotten all upset and all)...they "ordered us to then COME to my parents just in case this was my mothers final Christmas due to cancer of her colon/ liver"! My dad had told my oldest brother AND us not to come because he was angry that the truth had gotten out...but then he told my brother to come over at the last minute and he did it. Then my brothers called us last minute and told us to come also, but we didn't go! I figured that since I was told "not to come", I was not playing games back and forth...I was not going now and didn't retreat! I'm not a "puppet" and they are not the "Puppeteers!"~
        I don't know how I got off on such a tangent with that last Christmas eve with my mother alive...but I guess what I was getting at is that my daughter was soo angry about not going and being told we were "uninvited" that Christmas eve, that she just called them and "respectfully" told them what she thought of it all. Then my mother told her she was a "sassy little brat who needs her ass slapped"! I was appalled and JLC was furious and hated my parents after that. She was very angry with them for how they treated me for a long time and then we tried to "make up" and then she got angry again.
   Then when I would not allow JLC to sleep over at her boyfriends house. Well, let me take one step back by telling you that during the Christmas break of her Senior year of HS, I got a phone call from JLC's boyfriends mother. She said to me "JLC is "afraid to ask you something" so I told her I would call and ask you if she could spend the night at a cabin up North with my son and a bunch of other kids, their friends." I asked her first off "why is my JLC afraid to ask me?" She said "she thought you'd say "NO"...well I' m thinking, why would I say "no" Unless there's something wrong? Or someone is lying? So I asked her "will there be other parents there"? She told me "yes" there would be. So I allowed my senior high school daughter to go up north in MI to sleep over in a cabin with a bunch of other kids because I "believed" this other mother and what she told me about other parents being there to "supervise" them. I was totally not shocked but very upset when I learned that this mother lied to me!!! There were no other parents there and I had just let my daughter spend the night with her boyfriend and a bunch of partying teens and who knows what they did? I felt betrayed and horrible as a parent!
   Later, my daughter wanted to go to Maine and stay for her Christmas break with her dad who lived there. She'd never wanted to do this before. I am sure part of it was because her dad allowed her to bring her boyfriend and let them stay together. WELL he was NOT the "PARENT" while she was growing up. He was unavailable and lived 1000 miles away. He now has a 9 yr old daughter and I just wonder if he and his wife will allow THEIR daughter to sleep over at their home with her boyfriend when she has a boyfriend at age 17? I bet not!! I just know NOT!
   I wonder if my daughter, the one who has not spoken to me or seen me since about July 2004 (except for once during November 2007 when I text'd her to see her and take her to lunch and it didn't go very well. Then she also lied to everyone and told them that I "forced her to choose between her father and me"...that's not true. I only asked that we talk about her and us and not him and his kids,that's all.)will allow her own kids, especially if she has girls, to sleep over at boys houses and hang out at boys houses when they are only 13 yrs old like she wanted me to do for her. I always made her have someone else with her but I found it was a futile effort. I found that teens/kids are going to do what they are going to do whether we "allow" them to do it or not. They find a way to get around our "rules" if that's the kind of child they are or young adult.
       So..anyways...I "allowed" her to go to Maine to visit her father. I didn't want to be accused of "keeping" her from him. As it was, the judge ordered only "supervised" visits for her father because of what he did and how he was found "guilty" by a jury of his peers of obscene conduct and indecent exposure. He was fired from EVER being a police officer again because he followed a girl down the highway and he   obscene gestures to her !**see newspaper article from my prior blog**
     Would you allow your 2 little daughters to be alone with someone like him? No, I didn't want to either and the judge agreed also... finally... after he'd hurt another girl besides just me! He ordered supervised visitations only and my ex moved away over 1,000 miles. He didn't see the girls and he barely sent cards and/or gifts for the holidays.
   I tried to stay friendly. I sent him pictures, report cards and invited him to "public" events. I also sent his parents these things as his father finally started paying the child support to keep his son from going to jail. There was a warrant out for him for "non payment of child support" so his father who is very wealthy paid the child support. Their father did not pay one penny and never did have to step up.
     Yet, when JLC turned 18 years old and they thought the child support was going to go down to 1/2 of what it was because it was going down to only one child under 18 instead of 2 children. Well, I had no idea that it wasn't going to change at all until both girls turned 18 yrs old. My attorney had given me a "gift" but none of us knew it until my oldest turned 18 yrs old! When I found out that the support was not going to change for 2 more yrs, I said "YAY"!! Wouldn't you? Wouldn't anyone say that? Of course his father was furious because he was hoping it would go down and the way it was written in the support papers and signed by both of us...it did not change until our youngest daughter also turned 18! For me it was a "gift" and for them, they were angry! My oldest told them that I said "yay" and that I was happy that it wasn't changing for another 2 years and everyone "turned" on me suddenly!
    Well, I think you can see where this is going and where it all went? I "Lost" my oldest daughter! Because she wanted to do whatever she pleased, with no rules and no one to tell her what to do. But do you know that even though I didn't "believe" in her going and staying with her dad in Maine while allowing her boyfriend at age 17 to sleep over night with her for this 10 day trip; while she was only a HS Junior!!
     I told her she could go but we weren't "supporting" her going and staying with her boyfriend at that age and while still in HS. I/we told her that her father should care enough about her to not allow that either! Regardless, we told her she'd have to find her own way to the airport and pay for it because we didn't support this and she went!! I found out that her boyfriend's mother paid $100.00 for a airport cab to take them to and from the airport because she couldn't drive them. My conscience got to me...so then...Silly and generous me...I felt guilty so I called her boyfriends mother and sent her $50.00 reimbursement to help with the cab and we didn't even believe in this arrangement!
    There's so much hurt and so many "stories" being told now that are lies and wrong and bad. It hurts so much. For me to run into JLC's BFF in the mall and for her to tell me that I'm a "bad mother" because I haven't called lately!! What is that? I did the ONLY and ALL of the calling, gift giving, sending cards weekly for 3 yrs. I even stopped on a Mother's day and gave JLC a "mother /daughter" necklace where she wears half of the heart and I wear the other half. I GAVE HER A GIFT for MOTHERS DAY that year!!! Her friend didn't know that of course!
     My BFF stepped in and told the girl that "I don't have to justify being a good mother". I was a single mother AND Father to my girls for years! I was there for everything. Even Jessy's friend in HS witnessed something when I was taking them to "Bed, Bath and Beyond" to get JLC a whole new bedroom outfit and stuff for her new bedroom as we were redecorating rooms for her and for Amy.
     I let her pick a comforter set for $100.00 and I let her get the pole lamp and I bought the carpet and a wardrobe /closet etc. I hurt and was in pain that day as I am every day since the car accident that my husband and I were in in 2002. Jessy never cared about any of my surgeries. She never called to see if I lived or died. Nor when I had my heart attack or even my stroke either! But when her boyfriend's dad had Cancer, they went to see him in the hospital.
     Well, lastly...I guess I just wanted to add that the day we went for the bedding and such at "Bed,Bath and Beyond,"...JLC's BFF, KH, said to her "Jessy, how can you be so mean to your mom? She's even buying you all of this stuff for your new room!" ..My daughter didn't care...she didn't want to see it and she had her own "cheer squad" in my abusive father, brothers, her abusive father, his parents (who I drove my girls over to see every other weekend when I never had to. I did it so they would feel that they had grandparents still because their father just left and didn't give a damned about them! Later on, he told them that he had to leave to "go and find himself"...hmm What if I had done that ? Where would these 2 little girls have gone? What would have happened to them? We will never know because I loved them 'FIRST'!) ..and then JLC's boyfriends parents too! It is and has been a nightmare for several years. I cry about at least every day once if not more! I am deeply heartbroken and sad.
I pray that one day, she will come back like the story in the Bible of the "Prodigal's son". I pray every day that she'll be at the door the next time I hear a knock and she'll be sweet and nice and kind and loving....but why would she be loving towards me? She hasn't cared about me since she was in middle school, when she thought I was the "only" person she had, that loved and cared about her. I truly was and I truly still think I still am the one who loves her more than anyone else in the world could ever love her. She was my "sunshine girl" and she feels "gone" to me and it's the saddest , most horrible feeling ever for a mother.
     Please...if you are a praying person; please pray for her to allow the Holy Spirit come to her and help her to see things the way they really were and are to see the truth in life and come back to me/us....
    I pray for this daily... thank you for reading and I hope my next blog will be more fun and less sad for you... love and hugs,Suzanne
**I am crying...I'm sad...I miss my baby girl every day....why? How did this happen? How can my own father sit at a wedding with my abusive ex-husband and sit next to him, laugh with him? My oldest brother also...how could he?? Oh...I guess it's because they've both been abusive to me and still are to this day. One thing that really would've "killed me" inside and I don't think I could ever forgive if it had actually happend...was that my ex's father paid off a "crooked social worker" and gave her $700.00 to talk to JLC for sure and have her tell this S.W.'er lies about me to make me look like a bad mother (after I had full custody all of those years and raised them both alone, while working full time and giving them all the love, quality time and everything else they could ever need for a loving home.
     I just wonder how could my ex-in-laws think any judge would "allow" or "give" their son any kind of custody without him ever seeing his own daughters more than a handful of times as they were growing up? They also had sent me emails telling me "what a wonderful mother I am" etc.. and then to "pay off a crooked social worker to lie and twist words and make me look like a bad mother???" How could an "ex" Episcopalian minister (*his mother is an "ex" minister) do that to the mother of her grandchildren? Their mother (*me) who stayed with them, cared for them, loved them unconditionally and put them first always! It's unthinkable!!
     There's no way it could have ever really happened and it didn't because we found out about it first and my lawyer ended it before it ever came true! But it still hurts to think that they wanted to hurt me in the very core of my being! I'm still stunned to this day....I try my very hardest and best to be the most kind, loving, nicest person,wife, mother, friend that I can be! I'll never stop!...I know I'm a good, kind prayerful person who has to try to "let go and let God"....I'm practicing this... it is hard.
      I'm concentrating on my little family at home here with me..Craig and Amy...I love them and they love me and we all need each other.
      Thank you for reading and for any love, support and prayers, which are welcome...love,suzanne

***P.S.:My ex has been in several car and motorcycle accidents. He's come out with many broken bones, broken legs, casts etc...even rolled several Police cars...It scares me to death for her to ride with him. I wonder if he takes his 9 yr old daughter and 4 yr old son? One last thing I wanted to show you is a picture of Jessy's wedding (which I wasn't invited to nor was her little sister nor was my husband. But my own father and brothers sat with my ex-husband who has abused and cheated on me and worse..they were talking and laughing at the wedding reception and sitting together)...it was so hurtful to me...my father should have stuck by his daughter*(me), not his daughter's abusive ex husband. I have all of the court transcripts, documents and even letters from my parents family friends back at the end of our marriage with letters they had written on my behalf about the abuse they witnessed on several occasions! These were presented into court as proof and the judge took them as such. He ordered "supervised only" visits per licensed Psychologist's an Child and Family Services Interviews
...This was so hurtful...a horrible nightmare that I never wake up from!

**the letter below was written by my parent's best friend for 35 yrs. He witnessed alot and often. I wanted you to see what my father thought back then and how can he now be friends with this guy who "hurt" his daughter and granddaughters by hurting their mother!!*Now my dad is hurting me/us too and it's killing me...In the past he had his friend write this letter as he was writing this for the courts and for my custody battle; because before my ex got into trouble with the Law and hurt that other girl, he was threatening to use his (rich) parents money to take our girls away to Maine and he told me that I 'd Never See them again!"

Sorry I am writing this one again ....something happened

2011-08-05T00:22:00.005-04:00

Baby Jessica/ Christening day

Two Sisters that loved each other!

Amy with her favorite "Barney"

a piece of art that the girls had made me for "Mother's day" one year

Momma and newborn Jessica

Momma at Jessy's award day in Middle school

My two baby girls *Amys 1st Christmas

Hello Luvs,

It is Summmertime!!! Boy oh Boy....Can I ever feel it??!! The humidity is about 85% and the temperature outside is about 95 degrees! As you can probably guess, I'm sitting "INSIDE" and in our air conditioned home and feeling still slightly sluggish. The ac in our car broke down for the 3rd time in the past week and half!! GRRR...not a happy camper, for sure!! So..we sit...we wait...for our car's air conditioning to be fixed. Thank you God for air conditioning!!

Today isn't unlike most days in the Summertime here. My hubby, Craig is home. He even cleaned house for me :) *I'm so lucky, finally!! We are just laying low until this afternoon when we are to meet our daughter, Amy for dinner in Ann Arbor Michigan, during her dinner break from work. She's certainly a "go getter!" she has two jobs this Summer! Go AMY!! She's such a sweet daughter and I just don't know what I would ever do without her. I remember when I first found out that I was pregnant for the 3rd time (the first was a miscarriage and then I had Jessica)! At first, I just didn't see how people did it? How do you "care for" two kids the same while loving and adoring them both equally so very much. Not that I "couldn't LOVE" two but that I was afraid I wouldn't ever be able to love anything or anyone as much as I loved my firstborn. But the minute that she was born, my 2nd daughter, Amy...I loved her equally and instantly and she just made my heart grow bigger to hold all of the love I had for both of them inside of me.

I think I even had a little bit of that post partum depression. I was in a bad marriage because my husband Bruce, from 1984-1992, was not ever home. He worked until midnight as a Sheriff's deputy but he didn't come home until after 3:00am sometimes (you do the math). I had to try and keep 2 little ones quiet all during the daytime hours so he could sleep, or he would yell at me/us. I had a little bit of help when I came home with our first child as he took some time off from work and we learned together. Neither of our parents were helpful in any way, shape or form. His parents just gave excuses and my mom and dad would do only what "THEY" wanted to do and "WHEN" they wanted to do it. For example: The first night that I had brought the new baby home after having a 2nd C-section. Nobody cared that we needed rest or that I was in pain or that we could have used a meal or some help. No...instead they all came piling over to "wake up" the baby that I'd finally gotten to sleep; just so they could hold her and see her awake. My parents came, his parents came, my brother and his wife came and possibly my other brother too, I cannot remember if he did or not for sure. But then again, he has a sister and she NEVER came! She never once came to visit, offer to help or even sent my kids, her nieces, a birthday card! *(Just FYI this, their Aunt Carolyn, Bruce's sister would be left to "babysit" with the girls on some weekends when Bruce had them for visits. This was prior to the court ordered "supervised" visitation. But I thought it important to note here that he would leave the girls in "HIS" apartment (which was attached by a double door to her part of the 5,400 square foot house) with a baby monitor "ON" so she could "listen" for the girls but from HER side of the home! Then of all the odd things ever, she would stuff plastic garbage bags all along the doors so that the "germs" from my kids (because mine had to go to daycare while I worked) wouldn't "get to" her kids and make them ill from my children's bad "day care" germs!!! What??? Who does that? Who leaves their children with a person who doesn't want to watch them?? Clearly proven by the garbage bags covering any little hole where a germ might get through from my kids to hers! My girls were frightened, felt scared and alone yet the judge just said that since this was considered the "same" house,( though partitioned via a door & was 5,400 square feet) that the baby monitor was OK to be "ON" while Bruce went out on dates and left the girls home essentially "alone"; with his sister supposedly "listening" for them when they were only 3 and 5 1/2 yrs old!! I could have watched them in their own rooms, in their own beds and then brought them to him the next day or something so they wouldn't have had to be traumatized this way!)***...OK back to where we left off..sorry I got off on a tangent for a moment....

Then after nights of not getting any sleep and being awake all day our new house was ready! Yes, we were building a house. It was supposed to be "my" house too. It was a "gift" from his parents because he didn't go to college and his sister went to Princeton University. Therefore, they let me pick out all of the counter tops, carpet, colors, roofing, bay window etc....along with picking out a washer, dryer, stove, refrigerator and dishwasher!! It was more than I could have ever hoped for and something I never ever "asked" for. They said it was a "gift" and it would "be put into my name and my husbands name (their son, and my ex now) when our first daughter started Kindergarten. Well, she started kindergarten, their son left me for an 18 year old girl and then "grandpa" kicked us out of "his" house! OH, yes...he did give me a few months in the "letter" he wrote me telling me that "the girls and I had until June 30th to get out of their house"! The home that my daughters hand prints were in the cement floor of the garage. The home that we lived in for over 4 years and that I picked out every single item from the roof to the lighting fixtures. Yet.....it was never "my" home. They knew their son all too well to put that house in our name.. They knew not to do that because even the minister who did our marital counseling told my ex "what are you going to do when you get tired of Suzanne? Throw her away like you do with everything that you get and must have and then get tired of it and throw it away???" My ex told him "Oh I love Suzanne, I would never do that to her".

Well then about 7 years later, aside from the hang up phone calls that I was receiving many times per week and the "girls that came to our house*(according to my then 4 yr old daughter) and gave daddy a hug and one of them told Daddy she loved him". I wouldn't let it be believed in my head, heart or soul! NO!! HE wouldn't do that to me, to us, to our little family??? Would he??? He talked a good talk and made me believe everything he said. Those girls were from work, just employees and they just gave him a "work friend hug". I guess I got a little nervous but also didn't want to believe it while at another time before all of this, when my oldest was about 13 months old and the youngest was only a glimmer in my future; he wanted to go out to the bar with his "friends" from the police academy. I was all excited thinking that of course that meant "I" would be going also. I was his wife of course and the mother of his child, he would want me to go, right? I mean... I wasn't ugly. I loved to dance and I had a babysitter who lived in our apartment building. It all seemed to make sense until he told me that I couldn't go with him. He was just going with his friends and I was not invited. Well, my friend upstairs told me that she was going to babysit Jessica and help me get all dressed up and do my makeup and then she told me to go to that bar and just "show up". So I did that and to my surprise (Ok...no surprise)...he was chatting and dancing with a girl named "Lori" from the police academy. I was terribly upset and tried to explain it to him. His words were "so go dance with some guys, I don't care!"....WHAT??? NO!!! I was married to him....I didn't wish to be with anyone else! After that, it was not the same again. I went to the police academy the next day WITH "our" 14 month old daughter in her stroller, to have lunch with daddy there! He was not very surprised or happy to see us at all. In fact we had a fight because he wanted this "Lori" to sit with us at our "family" lunch! I didn't think it appropriate since we were a family and I was coming to meet my husband for lunch with our daughter! She sat down and he sat down and so Jessy and I left. I was terribly upset. I knew things were wrong. I knew he had pulled a gun out on Jessy and me and said he was going to "shoot both of us and then himself" (I was already pregnant with Amy at that time too). He did this a few times and finally ,I had to call 911. The Police Chief who came was the same one who knew him from High school because it was such a small town. He told me he was worried about me, the girls and their dad too because "a cop should not carry a gun irresponsibly". The next day his boss got a phone call from the Chief of police and they took his guns away for awhile. He told me he would "kill me if I lost his job for him because of this". I always felt like it was me and my fault but even reading this back to myself "HE" is the one who pulled the gun out on us, his family...his babies! He even used to kick our Rottweiller in the head and neck when he wouldn't do what he was told. We would cry and my daughter would say "daddy don't hurt Bully boy!" Then her dad would say to her "I'm the dad, I can do whatever I want" (while hitting her or slapping her on top of her little 4 1/2 yr old head). When I told his mom that he hit me, pushed me, pulled the gun out on us etc.. she...the "Episcopal minister" said to me "he's probably just stressed out". Oh yes, I forgot to tell you the bad thing about me. I struggled with an eating disorder called "Anorexia Nervosa" and only for the last year of our marriage; because other than that last year, we both had dieted off and on and he never stuck up for me when my parents called me "fat names"etc...so I thought it was still OK. (First I was abused by them and my brothers all of my life and now my husband...soooo it must be me and my own fault, right??? WRONG! That IS what I thought at that time, though). But he had lost about 70 lbs and people at his work were asking if he had "Aids" or something? He was always telling me how "fat he felt", "how fat he was" etc.. but because I am the one who voluntarily went into a hospital program for Anorexia to get well quickly so I could be an even better parent to my darling daughters....I was the "bad, sick one". Because I chose wellness...I was the "bad" one...Hmmm??

Well, remember I said that he worked mostly nights, right? Well many nights he didn't come home and would give me the excuse that it was "work related". One night at 3:00 a.m., I called dispatch and the officer was so kind to me and said "Suzanne you are such a beautiful and kind, sweet lady and waaaay too good for "him"! I just chuckled at first and didn't know where he was going with that. He then said " I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your husband is a jerk and an asshole! He took a young girl home from the 7/11 party store and that's where he still is...with her....I'm sorry." I started to cry and I think maybe I said "thank you"? I'm not quite so sure but then I knew it was all going to be over soon. What was I going to do with 2 little babies. I thought I would leave because of the first incidents of him cheating but then found out I was pregnant again and couldn't leave. Then I knew I had to wait until the 2nd baby was at least 3 yrs old and talking before I would ever leave her or any baby at a day care. I was afraid they wouldn't be able to tell me what happens there.

I was getting more and more phone calls from a woman or women that would hang up on me when I answered. I called her some choice names that final time and told her not to call back and that she was a "home wrecker"! I tried to keep living day to day with my baby girls and being verbally, emotionally, physically abused by "him". The thought of my girls growing up in a "broken home" or my having to leave them at day care, frightened me to death. I thought that somehow this wasn't hurting them but deep inside I knew it was!!! I had to get out and .....OR....I could fight it and try harder, right??? So I got my hair cut and styled and I lost some weight and thought I was looking good and only was 29 yrs old!!!

He took me out to dinner one Saturday night. It was the 'homecoming' dance night at the High school because at the restaurant, all of the young couples were in long dresses. *(This was the Fall of 1991. I was gonna just keep trying one more time even though I knew better and I knew I was being naive and/or stupid. But I was honestly afraid of being "alone" and parenting the 2 girls by myself or even worse, his family was "loaded with money" and I was even more afraid that he would "buy" them with some high flying lawyer and judge etc and they would take the girls from me and I'd never see them. He always threatened me that he would "take the girls and move to Maine and I would never see them again"!!)**. During dinner he said to me on October 19,1991, a Saturday evening..."I don't love you anymore. I'm not in love with you anymore. I want a divorce". I asked him if it was another girl and he wouldn't answer. That was enough of an answer to me for sure. Especially after all of the black and white clues handed me for the past 7 years! I was so dumb! I mean....what kind of husband "BEGS" you do "give favors" to his friends? What kind of "cop/husband" wants you to be a "part time prostitute because HE KNOWS all of the GOOD places, safe corners and the woman who would watch out for me...just "part time to make us a little extra money!!" YES...he thought I was so pretty that I could actually make us a little money "on the side"!!!!!!!!!! Oh and his nickname at his workplace because of his knives and guns collection was "Rambo"; if that helps describe him a bit more.

At first I begged (even though he was horrible, abusive, lying, hurtful, and so many bad things; I still was afraid to be alone) and cried and when we went home I told him that I would drop off the twins; our babysitters at their home and then I was stopping at my girlfriends home to talk because I needed someone to talk to. So we did just that. Then that friend gave me many of great pointers as she'd been through the "being a single parent" ordeal before and she told me how to stand in line for 2 hours to get food stamps etc.She told me of the "women's resource center" and what to do and how to do it all. She helped calm me down. But her husband got mad and hated me after that because my ex was his BFF and he didn't want to believe me. But she believed me, she even tried (along with several of his other friends from high school) to tell me not to marry him at first because he was abusive and a hitter, fighter, bully!!! Then she and others even told me how he banged his own sisters' head on the floor until she passed out one time while he was in High school. His mother stood there and watched and then they called 911 after she was already unconscious!!! He told me of a time when he broke a pencil in a boys neck when in High school also!! He got a detention!

Ok...so that was a Saturday and when I got home about midnight or so, my little girl who was then 5 yrs old, was still awake in her bedroom being quiet like a mouse. She knew her dad would yell at her if she made a peep. She knew I would talk to her and be loving and that's exactly what I did when I heard her call my name into her bedroom. She said "mommy are you and daddy getting a divorce?" I couldn't say anything yet because he had put his fist in my face while telling me "if you tell the girls anything at all before I'm ready and without me there too, I will KILL you". What was I going to tell her? That sweet little fear stained, tear stained face!! I told her that if anything was going to happen for sure, that we would both tell her and that nothing was happening yet, we were just having a bad "fight". But she was not stupid, I think she knew !!

She started kindergarten and her little sis started the 3 yr old pre- school program at the Presbyterian church's childrens' pre-school program. Oh and he had asked for a divorce on Saturday night and by Monday (2 days later) I had gotten out and gotten a job as an Interpreter for the Brighton School system. I think he was surprised. Then a week later, I had him served divorce papers to assure me getting the temporary custody at least, of our daughters. I had to make sure they were with me. Again he was surprised!! We were on our way to the pumpkin patch to do what was going to be our last "family" outing together. Little Jessy wanted to go and we wanted to take her. It was horribly miserable and all we did was fight and gloom and doom and I know the girls weren't stupid and they felt it and saw it...but we all tried to make the best of it. Poor little girls, I felt so bad for them. I didn't want it to end like this. I didn't want them to not be OK and come from a "broken family". The children were getting strapped into our car as their dad had to go back into the house and suddenly make a phone call for some reason. I went to the back door and I heard him on the telephone as he was telling the person on the other end "Darn it...(put the real cuss word in there actually) Suzanne filed and served me with divorce papers today in Livingston County!!! I was going to move to Washtenaw county where I'm a Sheriff's deputy and where the judges all know me!!!!!!!!! I was going to serve HER from there because all of those judges know me!" She served me before I could do that!!! GRRRR".....He was angry. I ran back to the car and got in and it was a miserable experience. I hope somehow the girls had a little bit of fun but I just know that they had to have felt it also. The tension, meanness and cruelty on his part towards me.

So the story goes...this is what happened. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me GOD! Much more happened after this story...he left a week later while putting his things in laundry baskets and filling up his car and Jessy asked him if he was leaving and he wouldn't answer her. Finally I couldn't stand it any longer and I told her he was "leaving and moving out to one of grandma and grandpa's other houses and he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce". He came quickly over to me with his fist in my face and threatened me for telling her. She cried and hung onto me and him and him and me and he just left. As always....I was left with the crying child(ren) who were afraid and unsure of their future's. I was there to console them, stroke their hair, hug them and hold them and told them that "everything would be all right"....I promised.

I still didn't "want" the divorce only because I was scared and dumb and insecure. I went over to his parents house; one of the many homes they had where his sister lived on one side with her husband and Bruce lived on the other side in his own apartment. He was sick with a cold and I felt sorry for him and made him home made chicken noodle soup. I went all by myself and had the neighbor watch my girls at home. I took him the soup and as I approached the door and looked up, there was a young...a very young 18 year old looking female in the bedroom window upstairs, looking down at me. He came to the door buttoning up his shorts and with no shirt or shoes on!! I still cried and begged and couldn't believe that we were still married close to our 8th anniversary and he'd only left our home 3 days prior and he had a girl in his bed already!!

I got help from the lawyer and the Women's Resource Center. I found a little apartment in a town closer to where my parents lived thinking that maybe they could help if I ever needed it. *(But they were always horribly abusive to me and in front of my kids to me also and I never wanted to "see" that yet. I couldn't believe that "yet" at that time...I just thought that I must be the "bad" one if everyone wanted to hurt me, hit me and call me names! My dad did help once in awhile when he/they wanted to and in their time, not mine. When they chose to but not when I needed them to help.

The judge saw Bruce threaten me in the courtroom. He ordered me to take my daughters to go to the domestic violence shelter. He remembered that Bruce was the "sheriff's deputy that had been charge with obscene conduct and indecent exposure; and he was found "GUILTY". He said in the courtroom, and I have the court transcripts; "if looks could kill....Suzanne would be dead right now! I believe that actions speak louder than words. I want her to go to the shelter with her daughters until he cools down and gets some help".... Soo...this is my story...only the very tip top of it though!!!

This is only the very beginning of the horror stories that were to follow and that were prior to this. I usually don't write this "dark" stuff in this blog. I have a "private" blog that has all of that stuff in it. I just allow a few people to read that one. People that I trust completely. If you want to every know the whole story of abuse and my life with my parents and then with my ex...just let me know and I can add you to the list of "allowed" people to read it.

This blog is usually for fun things like vacations and sunny days spending them together and having fun! Sometimes it's about the awful things that are still happening to me at the hands of my ex and my father/brothers. My mother died of colon cancer in 2002, 3 months after our horrible car accident in August of 2002 that left me in pain for the rest of my life; physical pain and more.

My ex vowed "revenge" at my testifying against him at his trial!!! I was at work and these detectives just showed up and asked me questions. I told the truth. I ended up getting a sopena but never actually had to testify. Most likely because the answers that I'd given to the detectives after their direct questioning seemed to be enough. Also, Bruce had actually talked himself into his own troubles by lying to the MI State Police. Thinking there would be some kind of "code" between "cops", he went to a MI State Police Post and started telling a Sargent on duty his whole side of the story and more! The Sargent asked if he would mind "putting it in writing" and he did it! Then that same Police Sargent gave that whole "story" to the Prosecutor! Even his own lawyer said to me after court one day, "One cannot "shoot off one's own foot" and expect NOT to walk with a cane afterwards"!! Bruce thought he'd be "buddy/buddy" with that Sargent and instead that cop gave everything he wrote to the court and it proved that he was a liar and it helped to get him convicted. He was tried by a jury of 12 and found "GUILTY"....He did it to himself....but he vowed "revenge" towards me for talking and answering the detectives questions.

Throughout our children's growing years I tried to always do my best to be a good person by keeping their father (and his parents) informed. I sent them pictures, report cards etc., even though he moved back and forth from Maine to Michigan several times and was denied by court order to see girls without a supervisor...I still tried my best to do the right things for my girls. I loved them the same, treated them equally and made sure that I would always listen to them and be fair! But somehow I lost one...I lost Jessy, my "sunshine girl". I will always love her and I think of her every day! In fact, I cry almost every day for her. Mostly I keep it to myself now, because I don't want to ruin every single day of our family life. The life that includes my husband (of almost 15 years now, who's loving, kind and amazing) and my youngest daughter, Amy, (who's also loving, kind and amazing). They feel helpless and hate to see me so sad when there isn't anything they can do to fix it for me. Amy tried to write a letter to her sister once and it was what she wanted to do, not something that I forced or even asked her to do. She wrote to Jessy trying to explain that she was angry about some things that happened just between the two of them. Also, that "she wanted nothing to do with Jessy, until such a time that she can treat our mother with the love and respect she deserves after raising us with tons of love and being there for us always." Jessy thinks somehow that Amy doesn't have her own thought and/or actions and somehow I forced her to write that note/letter. It's just not true, I wouldn't do that and I wouldn't ever do something like that!! Obviously after living in the same house with me all of her life, somehow Jessy still doesn't know me and it's very sad and it just "kills me" inside.

I pray every day for her return to me/us in her heart. I pray that she will remember her "stories" and someday come to me and we'll talk and start to heal...one day at a time. I will love her, hold her, hug her and most of all, I will forgive her. Because that's what love is. That's what loving mother's do. G'nite and love and blessings to all, Suzanne

Transcript from Court showing where Bruce threatened me in front of Judge!

Court transcript showing Bruce Lied in court!

**I almost never double up the postings between two of my blogs. But this one I felt was important to put in this blog as well as my open blog: "www.youNmeandacuppatea.blogspot.com" **I just felt that not everyone gets to read this blog and not everyone that reads this one, reads the other one. Ultimately, I felt this one was pretty deep and important with proof of court transcripts included...Thank you again for taking the time to read my blog...Suzanne

***Please anyone that knows anything about how my pictures were taken out of some of my blog posts..even my "PRIVATE BLOG"....help me figure this out please? I am re-posting this to hope it stays on this time...and I've made my other blog "private" now also....thank you and if you ever want to read it just let me know..thanks ..suzanne

LIfe Goes on....Does it???Time Is Short!!,...

2011-08-02T21:47:00.002-04:00

mommy /Amy at Kindergarten family day
**LOOK who showed up!!

My girls and Me in our YMCA "Indian Guides" Sweatshirts that I made!

Jessy's swim meet...I am watching her from wheelchair area!

Hello Luvs,
I'm just sitting here on this August Summer evening ....thinking...pondering...wondering what will happen next? I try to really make this blog the "fun" one. The one about our outings and the fun things that I try to do when I can. This blog is supposed to be on a happier note and full of great stories of love and family and fellowship. Once in awhile a story about my physical pain shows up and rears it's "ugly" head. I don't like those blogs, but hey...they are also a part of my life. This blog is about my life because I guess I just thought people might enjoy reading some stuff from a "survivor", not a "victim;" who has been through so much that the average person takes a deep breath, covers his/her mouth and says to me "OH my gosh!! How did you turn out so "different" from all of your abusers? How did you stop it with YOU? How can you still have kindness and love left in your heart; which for most people, would be full of so much hate, grief, hurt, sadness and would be handing out abuse in all the various forms?" I'll tell you WHY I turned out different ....it's because after being torn apart word by every evil nasty, slicing little word; and being "hurt" beyond repair (proven by about 12 years of psychotherapy and thousands of dollars gone now forever); I decided that I would NEVER treat others as I was treated. The problem being that the "others" we are talking about here are my ex-husband & his parents, my father and my two older brothers: S.B. and D.S. I would like to add that my momma did some pretty awful stuff too. The words and actions that came out of her to her little girl*(me), teen girl*(me), grown up daughter*(me), and mother of her grandchildren *(yep, me again!) are unthinkable, unspeakable and horrific to say the least!! BUT....she is gone from this earth now. I feel at peace with her because she sort of "apologized" as she was lying in her hospice bed, dying of colon cancer and lymphoma. She said to me " I love you Infinity"; something I'd always wanted to hear from her...something I heard from her only hours before she was gone from this world. I can only hope that she is forgiven and that she spoke to our Lord before she died and that he took her home with him so that I may one day see her again. Then we will have tea parties together and talk about wonderful, beautiful stories instead of how "fat" I am or "how large my butt is" or how "she wishes that I would've died instead of my little sister, Lisa Marie". I pray instead that we'll have wonderful talks about how she was proud of me for being the best mom that I knew how to be, even at the lowest point of my life. I held on tightly, tried to "persevere" and not give up hope. I've been through the deepest hurt & loss that any parent can go through. The "loss" of a child! This blog is not the place to explain it, nor would I ever try because my oldest daughter is still "estranged from me/us"*(of her own choice). My youngest daughter is living at home, working and going to graduate school. She is in my heart as always if not more now than before!
      I first want to say how much I love both of my daughters and how lucky I feel to have finally found the love of my life, my soul-mate...Craig. When I look back to my late teens and early twenties, I never ever could have imagined that I'd have been through so much betrayal and hurt from the people who I thought I couldn't live without; from the family who was supposed to love me. I never realized it until recently, that they never really loved me at all.
    I never thought that I would be in a body filled with so much physical pain that it almost overpowers the emotional pain; but not quite. At 49 years of age, I suffer from several health issues that are extremely painful and considered "permanent disabilities". If I had a choice, I honestly would take the horror of my RSD/CRPS (the most painful,crippling & progressive Neurological disease known to mankind. It's the highest on the pain scale, right up there with cancer and amputation without anesthetic) over the worse horror of "losing" my oldest daughter when she was only 18 years old.
     Also I'm on pain medication, enough for a 300 lb. man and I'm a medium to thin woman!! My body just sucks up the medicine because the pain is so intense. It seems like so much at times...too much to handle! I'm tired of pain, even taking these prescribed medications I still have intolerable pain at times! You wouldn't believe that there's even more health issues so I just won't go into it here and now. I have a Carepage if you are interested but it's draining for anyone to listen to. That is why I made the Carepage because now there's a place for someone to go if they truly want to know "how I am feeling" and/or what's going on with my health issues. I don't get into it in conversations with people because most people who ask "How are you ?"..don't really want the whole story. This way I avoid bothering anyone and they can look and read about it "if" and only "if" they choose to do so.*(www.carepages.com/carepages/suzanneshealthupdate)

    For me it feels like a bad nightmare now, at only 49 years old. A nightmare that I am unable to wake up from. But when I look back through the past years of my life, I thought I had it all back at age 40! I was remarried & finally to my soul-mate! I had at last found someone who loved me for me and I love him too! Equal and together, it all seemed right because the topping on the "cake" was that my girls both loved him too! In fact, my oldest daughter J.L., sort of "chose him" for me/us! He was her 4th grade teacher and she loved him so much. After school was done that year in 1996, the girls found out we had recently started to date and they were both very happy!
    My oldest daughter, J.L., tells people that she "had the best childhood living with me and her little sister, A.B.". She says that I was the "best mom" ever and she told her "BFF" that also! Then she thought something changed and that it was either: #1: the 2002 car accident,#2 me... My husband and our family dynamics changed too. The weird thing is that those things could be a part of the "loss" in our lives. But normally when a parent or even a child gets injured like I am from the car accident, the people around them all "chip in" and pull together with love to help and stick together for each other through thick and thin, good and bad....and even the worst, like the injuries I sustained...permanently ...but my children *who were not young by the way, but ages 14 and 16 when it happened*; pulled away from me. My youngest "A.B." came through for me ten thousand fold and was being "led" by some horrible and abusive, bad people *(yes, both sets of grandparents, her bio father!!). She figured it out swiftly and we have the strongest, most loving mother/daughter and BFF* relationship/bond ever. I thank God every day for her strength and love and tenaciousness!
    On the other hand, I lost* my oldest daughter, J.L.! But it was she who "changed". She changed into a teenager and then into a young woman who didn't care if she hurt me and/or anyone else who got in the way of her getting exactly what she thought she wanted in life. SHE is the one who "changed", not me. I am, always have been and always will be that same "momma" who rocked her, sang to her, read her special books until such time that SHE asked me to stop. That was fine...she was growing up and that's what kids are supposed to do and I thought nothing of it at the time. But somehow she is the one who started changing into a different girl. She was no longer the girl that I had raised and had taken care of and was there for 150% of the time. It seemed as thought she was going to "plow" through anyone and anything that was possibly going to "get in the way" of her getting what she wanted in life. After the way I always was with her and her sister, I just will never understand how she could think that I would ever not want to help her achieve her goals!! Suddenly I became the "enemy" and someone to be despised and reviled for somehow being 'hurt' in that car accident.
   It's so weird...I know that I'm different because of the pain issues etc. and the MTBI. But that only made me in pain and it made me forgetful, it NEVER took one ounce of love away that I have had and always will have for J.L. and A.B., my two precious baby girls now and forever! All I ever wanted was the best for her and if that was Dale, to her..then that was fine with me. I was not against it. I/we even had her and Dale and their friends over and they were playing cards at our kitchen table and we ordered pizza for them. I'll never forget that night because I thought we were finally at a crossroad.
     Instead.... my ex-husband/father of both daughters,along with my lying, abusive father, & my one "sick" horrible brother; and the other brother who used to be my "hero"...who listened to me and once told me "it's OK that mom pulled a gun out on you, she's sick and you just be a good girl and help out a lot and things will be fine"...I WAS a good girl and I DID listen and do what I was supposed to do as a young person. I thought my parents were "God" and my brothers were ....well my oldest was my friend and my protector at times...while other times he was just as raunchy/"sick" as the other "middle" brother; with the words they chose and were allowed to say to me, their little sister!! Even my parents would tell me that I was "too sensitive and took everything too heavily" and they stuck up for two brothers,their own sons; making sexually sleezy remarks to and about their little sister *(me)! It was not only "allowed" but it was "encouraged"!! I always thought I was wrong and somehow it was me and my fault. I mean....they are your parents, aren't they supposed to be right?? Wouldn't that then make me wrong?
     Well...we won't go there in this blog. That's enough about them. I've said enough for now while the rest is in my private blog that only a few people are allowed to read. It's not something for everyone to read...*(Just let me know if you are interested)
    What I started to say above and then got off track is that I thought we were finally at a little bit better place with my oldest daughter, J.L. She had changed dramatically in her inner belief system and in her heart from the start of middle school through to the end of High School. Yes, I know kids change but this was different. I felt that I somehow had "lost" her and she means everything to me. It was as though she totally did a 100% change from the daughter who thought I was the "best momma in the world"! She verbalized it and showed me quite often. Then suddenly over her transformation from "young child" to "teenager" she formed a hatred for my loving and kind husband who she totally "hand-picked" for "us to marry(lol)" because he was her teacher in fourth grade! Her favorite teacher ever! She and her little sis, A.B., wanted me to marry him too...we all loved him ...and A..B and I love him still.
    I guess this came out today because I'm just so sad. It won't leave, get better, go away or even slightly get easier. I am in the deepest kind of sadness that a mother can go through. It feels like the "death" of my daughter, my oldest...my "sunshine girl"...my sweet girl that I protected, loved, cared for, listened to and would do anything in the world for to keep her safe and kind and good. She just picked up her clothes off of her floor, clothes that she had "ready to go" and another set of car keys also "ready to go" in case we took hers from her! She left and she has told so many lies, it just hurts so much! Of course my abusers, such as : my dad, brothers and my ex and his family all took it and ran with it. Which means that they didn't have to feel "guilty" anymore about how THEY treated me...each and every one of them. They had my very own daughter against me now and it gave them a feeling of being "free" from anything that I've said or accused them of doing or saying. Because if J.L. says it is true, then it is true; according to them.
     You know...I saw a commercial the other day. It was a little girl doing dishes with her mommy. She says "I can have a sleepover tonight, right mommy"? Her mommy says "of course you can!" Then over a few seconds during the same commercial, they pass time and now the girl is a teenager and she's helping with the dishes (but complaining) and she says to her mom "I can sleep over night at Brian's house tonight, right mommy?" Her mother says "absolutely NOT!" The girl runs out of the room yelling about how much she "hates" her mother! She runs to her dad and he agrees with mother! That was my whole problem here. I lost my oldest daughter because the people...or the "OTHER" people who were supposed to love her like I love her; didn't do so and let her down and definitely let me down and they don't care! My ex-husband & his wife told my oldest daughter that "if she got pregnant, they would adopt the baby". She was only 16 and in 10th grade!! What kind of father says that to his daughter of that age? I was shocked and I honestly don't think that their stepmother and my ex would allow 'their' daughter who is 10yrs old now, to have a baby at 16 and "adopt" it for her, do you? It was as if my 2 children were his "2nd rate" kids instead of his *1st children!! He left and didn't come back for years at a time. The judge had given him only supervised visitations because he'd been found "guilty" of indecent exposure and obscene conduct. He also can never be a police officer again. But no matter what, they shouldn't have told our daughter that what she was doing was "OK" at 16 yrs of age!!
     J.L.'s husband's mother allowed her as a teenager to sleep over night together in the same room and bed with her son! In looking back, she even called me when they were in 11th grade to ask me if J.L. could "sleep over night up North with a bunch of their friends". She told me that J.L. was "afraid to ask me herself", therefore she was calling me instead. All the while I was Wondering ..."??why would my daughter be afraid to ask me anything"??, I was really taken aback and "hurt" by that whole situation. My daughter was only afraid to ask me herself, because she knew it was wrong. She knew that "the little voice" that she still had at that time was telling her not to lie to her "mama"... but that "conscience or voice inside" was growing more faint and being listened to less and less. She had been lying to me for years, since about age 13!! I've been finding this all out little by little now! I tried my very hardest to be the best Mom I could be. It was just me at first...alone...us three!! We were all we had at the time!! Being the best momma I could be to my little girls.... is and was always the ONLY thing that was important to me! They were my reason for living and breathing, for hoping and dreaming....my kids were my reason for surviving and getting help to stay sane in midst of the crazy mess that I called my "family of origin".
   The Summer of 2004, J.L. left home after just turning 18yrs old. Our home had changed from one of peacefulness, genuine love, acceptance and happiness; where I know my daughters felt "special", loved and accepted by me/us always! But mostly they knew they were always "SAFE" at home.It had changed into a yelling and screaming shell of it's former self that we had called "home".
    When the lies started bubbling towards the surface and I heard some of them, I was a "broken" person. I felt like everything I had ever wanted in life was to be a "mother/mommy/momma" and it felt like that rug got pulled right out from under me and it all happened just prior to and then after that horrible car accident in 2002. When I was left with multiple injuries, multiple surgeries and so much chronic intractable pain; which is pain like I've never endured in my entire life before 2002, and that is my pain which has never left since.
     It ended up that I had to have several surgeries including: a pacemaker (*because my brain wasn't telling my Heart rate, blood pressure etc. what to do and I was fainting also), 2 titanium screws in my left shoulder, knee surgeries for torn meniscus' and chondromalacia patella. There was nothing they could do for my long thoracic nerve damage in my right shoulder (this is one of my horrible nerve pain areas)! I had shoulder and knee surgeries and then the recovery time. Lastly, I had a surgery for my right foot and it was to be the very last and final surgery. I went back for my 6 week post surgical check up telling the foot surgeon that my foot was : red, hot , burning, swelling etc. I was then diagnosed with RSD/CRPS, the most painful, progressive debilitating Neurological disease known to man! It also spread within 3 yrs and I acquired "full body" RSD/CRPS and including : my ears, eyes and mouth!
      I will tell you that I never once missed ANY school event or program for my daughters in spite of the pain!
     Before the pain issues started and while I was working full time to take care of my two girls and myself...if I couldn't get the whole morning or afternoon off to see my girl(s) in some kind of "show" at their elementary or middle or even band/choir concerts, swim meets, tennis meets, track meets then I would leave work and watch the girl(s) in whatever they were doing at school and then I'd drive back to work afterwards. Two weeks after the accident, when I couldn't even hold my own head up without help (we put 2 yardsticks behind my back in the wheelchair and a pillow to rest my head on) I just had to go to the High school sign up day for new incoming "Freshman" with and for my youngest daughter, A.B. because no matter what!!!...I never missed anything for my girls! I made it..I went and all the way home I was in so much pain, I was crying in the front seat and trying to hide it from them so as not to "ruin" it for her/them that I did in fact go for that special event even though I had just been in that horrible car accident. I had so many injuries and more surgeries to come!
   If necessary I would always find a way to leave my job for just an hour in Ann Arbor, MI at the Univ. of Michigan hospitals as an Interpreter for Deaf through patient services and as an Outpatient Secretarial "float". I would leave, see the girls in the show or presentation or whatever they needed me for and then I'd return to work so as not to get into any trouble there either. I always tried to make everyone happy.
     I guess I'm just going on and on and not saying much anymore. I am just so distraught and sad and it feels like more time and more time just keeps passing us by and nothing is getting fixed or changed. She (J.L.) still won't talk to me, call, write or see me/us. But then I say to myself, and many others also say to me "Why do you want her back? She's lied about you to everyone, talks horribly disrespectful to you and has for a long time and you were the one who stayed and stuck by her side! Yes, I am the one who stayed with my baby girls. There was plenty of things I would have liked to have done in my life; like maybe traveling or even working on a cruise ship sounded fun at one point!! But I stayed where I was needed and where I wanted to be at that point in time. I stayed where 2 little girls needed alot of TLC and loads of attention and a feeling that they were the center of my universe!! They always were and always are and will be forever!
     I don't know what else to do about J.L.? I know she's lied so many lies to people. She told people at her wedding (along with my dad and brother S.B.) that I am "crazy" because I was "in a car accident and got a Mild traumatic brain injury" and that's what she told people at her wedding when they asked where her "MOTHER" was and why wasn't I there (I was never invited...none of us were)? Time is wasting and it just keeps going by year after year, day after day and week after week.
     Time is finite, it is not everlasting on earth. We don't get the pleasure of knowing how long it is until our time is over and then there is no more time! I just hope and pray that maybe someday....she'll come to realize that I am not that "lie" she started out a long time ago and I'm not a "bad mom or a bad person either"! I will love both of my daughters and my husband, Craig until the day I die!
    Thanks for reading my blog today...I know I got off on some tangents and it got a little messy here and there. Please forgive me as it's a very emotional to write and I had to stop and start back up several times. Forgive me please...and one last plea...."J.L. I love you with all of my heart and soul" You will always be my "Sunshine girl" and I will always love you. After I got that text from J.L. a couple of years ago, I just stopped sending all of the weekly cards and little gifts such as little "light between you and me, mini candle" and a heart mother/daughter necklace etc...I tried my very best and now I've put it in another spot in my mind, heart and soul. I've left it in Gods hands because I cannot think of anything else I can do anymore. I'm in pain and I'm tired and I've already had a heart attack and then a year later in '06 I had a CVA/stroke. I'm supposed to have surgery next Summer to replace my pacemaker but it is going to be more difficult, of course...because mine was originally cut into the pectoral muscle and has been in there attached for 8 yrs now. To take it out they must cut that muscle again, clear it out and replace a new pacemaker in there again. It will be more painful than the usual pacemaker surgeries again, due to the fact that mine is cut into the muscle. Sooo much going on and with the debilitating health issues that I'm dealing with it all adds up to everything feeling much worse because I'm also sad and in pain physically and emotionally.
    Time to go...I've written way too much already. I will check it out , read it again and then put it up for you all to read and check it out. I just hope and pray that my daughter JL, will come back to me /us in her heart and soul one day. But the lies...the lies are something horrid and like a nightmare to me. If she ever decides to come home, I just pray that she will tell the truth first.
    G'nite my luvs, thank you for "listening". Love to all and again , thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to read my blog!
Love and hugs, Suzanne

when I text'd Jessy "out of the blue",we met & this was the last hug I've had from her since 2007 *(she left 2004)

Dale and Jessy

Dale passed out "after drinking too much" at a Pary at his moms' house

My adorable baby girls when we went to Disney World 1997

What I always used to call my "Jessica"....I called her this:

The 2 sisters "Playing" together in the family room with their dolls etc..So cute!

Christmas morning memories with my girls and me in our apartment

sisterly love in Traverse city!!

Our family at Jessica's HS Graduation! 2004

In The Beginning.....or so....

2011-07-19T03:46:00.007-04:00

Baby Amy newborn/3 weeks old

Baby Jessica/ Christening day

Two Sisters that loved each other!

Amy with her favorite "Barney"

a piece of art that the girls had made me for "Mother's day" one year

Momma and newborn Jessica

Momma at Jessy's award day in Middle school

My two baby girls *Amys 1st Christmas

Hello Luvs,

Then after nights of not getting any sleep and being awake all day our new house was ready! Yes, we were builing a house. It was supposed to be "my" house too. It was a "gift" from his parents because he didn't go to college and his sister went to Princeton University. Therefore, they let me pick out all of the countertops, carpet, colors, roofing, bay window etc....along with picking out a washer, dryer, stove, refrigerator and dishwasher!! It was more than I could have ever hoped for and something I never ever "asked" for. They said it was a "gift" and it would "be put into my name and my husbands name (their son, and my ex now) when our first daughter started Kindergarten. Well, she started kindergarten, their son left me for an 18 year old girl and then "grandpa" kicked us out of "his" house! OH, yes...he did give me a few months in the "letter" he wrote me telling me that "the girls and I had until June 30th to get out of their house"! The home that my daughters handprints were in the cement floor of the garage. The home that we lived in for over 4 years and that I picked out every single item from the roof to the lighting fixtures. Yet.....it was never "my" home. They knew their son all too well to put that house in our name.. They knew not to do that because even the minister who did our marital counseling told my ex "what are you going to do when you get tired of Suzanne? Throw her away like you do with everything that you get and must have and then get tired of it and throw it away???" My ex told him "Oh I love Suzanne, I would never do that to her".

She started kindergarten and her little sis started the 3 yr old pre- school program at the Presbyterian churc's childrens' pre-school program. Oh and he had asked for a divorce on Saturday night and by Monday (2 days later) I had gotten out and gotten a job as an Interpreter for the Brighton School system. I think he was surprised. Then a week later, I had him served divorce papers to assure me getting the temporary custody at least, of our daughters. I had to make sure they were with me. Again he was surprised!! We were on our way to the pumpkin patch to do what was going to be our last "family" outing together. Little Jessy wanted to go and we wanted to take her. It was horribly miserable and all we did was fight and gloom and doom and I know the girls weren't stupid and they felt it and saw it...but we all tried to make the best of it. Poor little girls, I felt so bad for them. I didn't want it to end like this. I didn't want them to not be OK and come from a "broken family". The children were getting strapped into our car as their dad had to go back into the house and suddenly make a phone call for some reason. I went to the back door and I heard him on the telephone as he was telling the person on the other end "Darn it...(put the real cuss word in there actually) Suzanne filed and served me with divorce papers today in Livingston County!!! I was going to move to Washtenaw county where I'm a Sheriff's deputy and where the judges all know me!!!!!!!!! I was going to serve HER from there because all of those judges know me!" She served me before I could do that!!! GRRRR".....He was angry. I ran back to the car and got in and it was a miserable experience. I hope somehow the girls had a little bit of fun but I just know that they had to have felt it also. The tension, meanness and cruelty on his part towards me.

I still didnt "want" the divorce only because I was scared and dumb and insecure. I went over to his parents house; one of the many homes they had where his sister lived on one side with her husband and Bruce lived on the other side in his own apartment. He was sick with a cold and I felt sorry for him and made him home made chicken noodle soup. I went all by myself and had the neighbor watch my girls at home. I took him the soup and as I approached the door and looked up, there was a young...a very young 18 year old looking female in the bedroom window upstairs, looking down at me. He came to the door buttoning up his shorts and with no shirt or shoes on!! I still cried and begged and couldn't believe that we were still married close to our 8th anniversary and he'd only left our home 3 days prior and he had a girl in his bed already!!

Transcript from Court showing where Bruce threatened me in front of Judge!

Court transcript showing Bruce Lied in court!