Happy Birthday to "US"!!!!!

Craigs Birthday Brownies that Amy made for him!

Blowing out the candles on his birthday!

Hello Luvs,
Well, today we are heading on the down slide of Winter here in Michigan! My 50th birthday was yesterday! Craig turned 58 on February 5th and we also celebrated our 15th Wedding Anniversary on Valentines day this year! This is the month of many celebrations! 
   Craig's birthday was wonderful! He turned 58 yrs. young! We spent the day together and went out to dinner at "Deliziosa's", our favorite little out of the way spot that has the best food in town! There he got his favorite Bolognese penne and he enjoyed every bite and brought some home to last for more days! Amy made him some special brownies and we gave him some nice gifts that he wanted, especially some new slippers and then we surprised him with a set of the whole "four seasons' of "BIG BANG THEORY", our favorite and his favorite program on the tube!
    Then on the 14th of February we had our 15th wedding anniversary! It was so wonderful! We really do have a good marriage full of love and we do talk to each other sternly when we feel the need, but never do we say mean or horrible things to each other! We got some beautiful and wonderful gifts from Amy! She gave us a Panera gift card and a Valentine cookie from Panera! She is so cute all the little sweet things she does for us and we do for her! There's alot of love here and that's what I live for! She even went and got us some pretty bouquet of flowers for an Anniversary/Valentines gift! We had a great day and dinner out and then we'll figure something else wonderful to do for our big 20th anniversary in 5 years!! LOL...
    Then yesterday, the 24th of February we had just recovered from a horrible day in "hell"! The "Uverse" man came out to set up our Internet to a faster one and he cut wires and undid our internet and our phone and then he left 3 hours later and we had NO SERVICE in either area! It took 3 hours on the telephone and 7 people to get someone to listen to us! Finally, we got someone to listen and to complain to but they then couldn't get anyone to come out and clean up the "Mess" that the guy made at our home, until the next day which was my 50th Birthday! Yes...we had to WAIT until they came to fix our internet and phone lines before we could do any real celebrating. We had the whole day planned and had to re-think everything and I was very distraught from the whole ordeal. I cried and cried for so long that I had a horrible headache because I was worried about our phone lines being cut!
   The AT & T guys came out on my birthday, Friday the 24th and they got there about 10:00am and stayed until 11:30 or so. Then we got to go to the mall and have my birthday lunch at Macy's and go shopping with each other alllllllll day long! I had to rest, of course, but we had such a wonderful day! Then after that fun day of shopping, we had a nice dinner at "Red Lobster" and I had stuffed seafood Tilapia and then went home for these special chocolate bumpy cake/carmel cupcakes that Amy had made special for me! A girl at her work does this for a living and makes cakes for people and these are the best, delectable yummy cupcakes I've ever eaten in my whole life!! GO AMY...YAY!!! Sooo those were great and she gave me a beautiful "MOM" bead for my "Pandora/Brighton" bracelet along with a gorgeous silver ring with a heart on it and inside it's engraved with "I love you Infinitey"! It's one of the best gifts I've ever gotten from her and so thoughtful and I love it ...along with the "infinitey" bracelet and necklace I had gotten for Christmas and now I have a set! LOL... Craig got me some lovely diamond stud earrings because I had lost one last year and was very sad about it! Then he took me out shopping all day and we enjoyed ourselves as he paid for things and I got to buy some fun and cute clothes and walked around with the people I love most in the whole world! What a great birthday I had this year! Oh and not to forget that last night we watched a funny and silly movie called "Horrible Boss's" and we celebrated with cake and ice cream..or I should say "cupcakes" that were wonderful and I have seven more to eat this week!! What a special day I had!! You can see some of the pictures below!! I hope you enjoy them!
  I wanted to tell you a little story! This week my husband was off of work on mid -Winter break vacation. He went to our Dr. for a physical. He walked into our Dr's office and my father was sitting there in the waiting room, waiting for either his girlfriend who was seeing the other Dr. in the practice or waiting to be seen himself? But he was sitting there when my husband went in and still sitting there 45 minutes later when my hubby was finished with his own appointment. 
     First of all, Craig sat down across from him so he would know that he wasn't uncomfortable around him! My dad put out his hand to shake hands and Craig shook his head and said  "nuh...no...nope...no thanks"! My dad looked down and says "How's Suzanne doing?" Craig says "awww she's doing GREAT! You'd NEVER know SHE's GOING TO BE 50 tomorrow (Feb 24th)!! My dad said "I was going to send her a card but last time I got "flack" for doing that last time!" Craig knows that's not true it's just that they don't talk to me and they do mean, spiteful and hateful things to hurt me. Why then would they send a card once every 10 years on my birthday??WHY BOTHER??That's exactly what I've said to any of them when they send a card every 10 years or so. I text or email and say "Why would you do that when you don't see or talk to me all year and all of the past many many years? What's the point in that?"
     Craig went into the exam room and came out 45 minutes later and my dad was still sitting there. I'm just assuming either he was waiting for the "other" Dr. there or he's waiting for his girlfriend who treated me so grossly disrespectful and abusive this past Summer when I introduced myself to her (as I've never met her in person before!!). To refresh your memory, we were at a Panera cafe' outdoors this past Summer at a free concert in the park. Craig and I were eating dinner at an outdoor table and talking with our youngest daughters old dance teacher. I looked up and saw my dad walking into the Panera and his girlfriend sitting by herself outdoors not far from our table. I walked up to her and kept a safe distance and I was dressed very nicely in a Summer dress. I introduced myself as "Bill's daughter, Suzanne". She gave me a hideous look, as if I was some kind of 'crazy person' and she got up, walked the LONG WAY around the table without saying a word to me and she left!!!!!!!!!!! My dad came out looking for her. He looked right at me and us! He then looked right through me! He said nothing and was continuing to look for "Shirley"! She motioned for him to "come" and he went with her and they left the area with their chairs in hand! 
   The thing that I won't and cannot understand is that at my father's sister's funeral just that past June in 2010; my favorite Aunt Vera had died. Craig and I went to the funeral and my father was there but no brothers and no girlfriend was there with him! I'm positive he didn't want them or HER to hear my Aunts' family saying positive and kind things about my husband and/or me. They were so nice! They said how I would "do my aunts hair and nails and how we went to visit her and played cards with her.." and more! Then I saw my father crying and his sister had just died so I wanted to be kind and I went up to him and hugged him. He hugged me back (because it was a big SHOW in front of everyone!!) and shook Craig's hand and told him "thank you for taking care of Suzanne all of these years"!!! I corrected him right away because NOBODY TAKES CARE OF ME! Craig and I take care of EACH OTHER! I didn't  like that at all! 
    Regardless, my dad put on a big show of phony "love" that dad in front of my cousin, my aunt's son; who he just had told before we walked into the funeral home; that he "wasn't ever going to be able to talk to me again because of what I've said about him"! All I've done was confront them in 1997! I didn't want anything but acknowledgement about the abuse...Nothing more and nothing less...but I got much more than I ever bargained for in the form of relentless abuse and attacks for the rest of my life more or less; or the rest of his and theirs?! The funny thing is that the next time we saw my father was at that Panera cafe in the Summer with his girlfriend! He looked straight through me/us and wouldn't say a word; and believe me, he saw me and us for sure 100% as he looked straight at me with a cold and evil look on his face! As you can see, he only will pretend to be "nice" to me when it suits him and when it's in front of people who do love me and care for me! When it was just "her" (his girlfriend who doesn't know me, never has met me and never even gave me a chance!!) he wouldn't even acknowledge my /our existence!
    Craig came out of the Dr's office that day and my father was still sitting there waiting. Once again my father put out his hand to shake Craig's hand. So once again Craig declined to shake my abuser's hand and said "no thanks!" Then he said "about the birthday card, Suzanne's angry with you...and rightly so!!!" Then he got on his coat and he left and came home to me! He told me what happened and now I wait for the repercussions of the incident! What will my abuser's (dad, 2 brother's) do to me next ? What will they do and /or say to show how angry they are that Craig wouldn't shake my dad's hand? What lengths will they go to? They'll want to "punish" him or us because they will look at it as 'Craig was "MEAN" to my dad!!! BUT he was not at all mean, he shouldn't have to shake hands with my abuser(s)!!! 
    All they have to do is tell the truth...My oldest also turned against me for many reasons: she didn't want to follow any rules. Also she tells people how she "forgave" her father for all of the abuse he did to the 3 of us and our dog "Bully", a Rottwieller we had for 4 1/2 yrs! But she treats Craig with disdain and he was always and has always been the best dad I've ever known! He loved her and was her 4th grade teacher and she loved him! He caught her lying to me and doing things and tried to let me know but I wouldn't believe it at first!! Until it was too late for me to take care of it and make her be a better person and to have her follow more rules. I just trusted, loved her and believed her and whatever she told me! I am hurt, heart broken and so very sad about losing my oldest daughter. It's just been so very long and it feels like every year and month and day, we grow farther apart!
    Thank you for reading once again and I hope your Winter is getting shorter and the days are getting longer for you! I cannot wait for the long and sunny days of Summer to arrive once again! Ciao~

MY FAMILY!>>>AND ME!!

these are the special carmel/chocolate "bumpy cake" cupcakes that Amy paid someone to make for me!

My gift

He got the boxed set of 4 seasons of "BIG BANG THEORY"...(the funniest show ever!)

our Family on Craigs' 58th birthday!

My little friend, "Ling Ling" in Singapore made these special bookmarkers.. for Amy and Me!

Craig on his 58th b-day!

My friend Nancy since 1982, sent this to me for my 50th b-day!

my big 50!

yummy cupcakes that Amy had made for me! *SPECIAL

yummy bumpy cake carmel/chocolate cupcakes!! MMMMM

Amy and me on my birthday!

MY good friend and "sister/like" person in my life, Nancy S., sent me one card, each day, for the 50 days prior to my 50th birthday! Isn't that the sweetest thing anyone's ever done? Well, it was for me...."Thank you Nancy, you're a blessing!" I had to put them all up and keep them all up for all 50 days!! Then I took this picture to save it forever!

A little Bit of This, A little Bit of That & Our Anniversary too!!

card from Amy to us!

Hey Luvs, 
I hope everyone is doing well these days? I hope you saw the video that preceeded this blog post? I was and am so excited that the IDA (Invisible Disabilities Association) chose me to be one of a few people to make a short video for them to feature on their front page of "Invisible No More TV"! I felt honored and happy to do it, especially when they told me that in doing this video, I would be helping a lot of people. My "story" will help people! Others who are struggling with pain issues, heartbreak, RSD/CRPS etc. I was really excited and could not wait until they would actually put it up on their page. If you haven't had the chance to see it yet, I hope you will go back to my last post that is titled "Invisible No More TV" Video. 
  Now on to bigger and better things! I cannot remember if I have told you yet, that our health insurance company had sent a letter on Jan 7th, telling me that they were not going to pay for my pain medications anymore as of February 1st!  I was devastated and afraid. We visited my Dr. and he assured me that it would be OK. To make a long story short, he did make it OK! He first wrote a letter of "medical necessity" and they denied it. The he wrote them a "BOOK" about me and all that is wrong with me and the pain issues etc. They never called back so my Dr.'s Secretary called the ins. co. and complained and as of February 6th, they said "they lost the "book", my Dr. wrote"!!!! The Dr's office was livid and I'm sure the Dr. was too. So within about 10 minutes the ins. co. called back to the Dr.'s office and told them that I was "approved"! Then the Dr.'s office called Craig to tell him (because I told them to call him instead of me, LOL). Craig called me and I started to cry because I was so relieved! It was a very scary and stressful time just wondering what was going to happen to me if they stopped the pain meds suddenly! My Dr. had told me that if worse came to worse; he would put me into the I.C.U. and under heavy sedation and heavy "watch" to make sure I didn't have another heart attack or stroke! I would've had to have gone through physiological withdrawls while in a deep sleep and hopefully not feel much of anything. But I was still afraid of anything like that! I'm just glad that it's finally over and it was approved and my Dr. is the best! He tried and he did way over and above what any Dr. ever has to do!  Thank you my very special and wonderful Dr. 'B'..
   Ok..so that drama got over with! Thank goodness,right? Then because of the changes in our insurance companies co-pays etc, I couldn't go to see my Psychologist, Dr. "K." anymore. The charge was astronomical and the insurance would only pay about half of it. We could NOT afford to pay 55.00- 60.00 per week for me to go talk to someone. Even though I know with all that I've been through and with what I'm still going through; I really need to talk with him. "HE" is the one who actually knows me and all that I've been through. He knows all that I'm still going through. But no matter what kind of special bond I thought I had with Dr. K, it is still a patient and Dr. relationship and/or bond and I have to pay just like e everyone else. I guess I had always hoped that because I'm "ME"...and because he knows everything about me  and he has said that he's "surprised that I'm not dead or crazy because of everything I've been through;" I thought maybe he'd wave some of the fee or something like that. I was hoping for that and wishing for that but it never happened. It doesn't mean that he hates me, it just means that I'm not as "special" as I thought I was to him-yet in a purely business way of course. I thought because he always has told me that I'd been through more than most and that I've been through so much abuse and hurt and craziness during my lifetime and that I'm a "miracle"; I just thought he'd make it OK and make it so I could still see him. It didn't happen and it hasn't happened. But he can't change the rules for one person or else I guess it would make him feel like all of his patients need help like that and he cannot help everyone by letting the co-pays slide or be less or anything like that. There are so many people in the same situation now with their insurance companies paying less and nobody has the money for so many things that they "need".  So I just do what I can and I sometimes will email him and he will usually write me back right away. To me, that is much better than no communication whatsoever. The best thing is that he knows me more than anyone else pretty much; or for the most part. He has seen my abusive family in action. He had received letters from my mother and the Dr. that I saw prior to him, in the same office (but she got sick so I had to switch over to seeing him instead) even MET my parents!  Dr. "L." who I had seen prior to Dr. "K." said that she hadn't said anything like my parents  and brothers in all of her years of practicing Psychology. They made her sick to her stomach and literally made her feel ill. She and Dr. K. both said that my parents are the most "evil" people they'd seen in 35yrs of practice. It made her sick to her stomach, the things they said and did to me! 
     Just to add to that, I'd like to say that this is why I'm so much more heartbroken about "losing" my oldest daughter in 2004, when she was 18 yrs old! She decided to "forgive" her abusive father and my horribly abusive, mean & 'psycho'  family too! But in doing that, she felt that she had to "hate" me and turn away from me totally 100%.
   She did exactly that and my heart has  been broken every day since that time. I even had a heart attack the first "Mother's Day" that she was gone, and was in the University of Michigan Hospitals! My cardiologist who's known me for a very long time said that "yes" it was a "true heart attack", but also "broken heart syndrome". He saw the bond I had with both of my girls and couldn't believe that my oldest just left, the way she did..and for a boy! She mostly left because she "didn't like our house rules". I said "NO" when she was 17 3/4 years old, still in high school, still living in our home and she asked to sleep over at her boyfriends' house! His mother allowed her to sleep in his room and allowed them to go into the hot tub together in ways that I would never allow nor would I ever have allowed that behavior under my roof.
   I trusted these boys' Mothers but I shouldn't have. They wanted to be "BFF's" with their sons and daughters and especially the single, divorced ones. They had to be "buddies" with their children instead of being Parents, with rules, like they're supposed to be! I wanted to be friends with my girls also;but I knew that being a parent was what I was/am first and foremost! I cared most for my daughters' health, well being and safety first & foremost. I also cared for her not losing her self respect, but it was too late for that by then!
   I had been a good mother. I raised my girls mostly alone and on my own. Even when I was married to their father, he was a police deputy Sheriff and gone all of the time. He'd be gone all night many a nights and sleep all day! He'd yell and scream when I wasn't  keeping our young infant and 2 1/2 year old daughters quiet enough. He would fly into a rage and be very abusive. I was used to it though. I thought it was my fault because my parents and living in their house was pretty much the same way!
    Not a day goes by that I don't think of my oldest daughter and wonder how she is doing? What is she doing? How is her health and what kinds of things is she "into" these days? I worry about her safety and I pray for her daily. I buy things for her and just either put them away or throw them away because I've lost hope and I truly don't feel like I'll ever have my "little sunshine girl" back again. 
    I pray for the day that she knocks at my door and says that she's sorry for lying about me and hurting me so much. She's sorry for lying about Craig and Amy and just for everything she lied about to everyone else! I pray for that day, for that phone call, that knock on the door. I will forgive her instantly, if she should ever want that forgiveness. I dream about the Bible and the story of the "Prodigal's son" and how he comes home and they have a party and the father is so happy that his son finally learned whatever it was he was supposed to learn during his time away.
    Time keeps passing. It's something we can never get back and I'm heartsick, heartbroken day after day. It feels like I'm not "allowed" to talk about it or it upsets everyone. Amy tells people that she's an "only child" because she feels that way and she just doesn't want to get into all of the details with with others who probably won't understand. People cannot possibly understand unless they've lost someone this way themselves. Amy was hurt in her own ways by "them". She has her own story to tell and it's up to her to tell it; it's not up to me.
    I was planning on writing a fun blog story today. It has ended up being a bit dramatic and somber if you ask me!?? So I will end with the fact that I did get my video put up on the "feature page" of "Invisible No More TV" and it will be on their facebook page and the facebook page of "Invisible Disabilities Association" very soon! I'm very proud and excited about that!!  I'm a Mentor for people with RSD/CRPS (which is the very painful Neurological disease that I have also); I run a support group on facebook for people in chronic pain and who have any of the "invisible painful diseases" such as: RSD/CRPS,Lups, MS, RA,EDS, Fibro, and any other painful diseases or issues. This support group has over 600 people in it! I run a "Cause" page on facebook also and have raised money for RSDHOPE.ORG; a non-profit organization who helps people with RSD/CRPS to understand what it is exactly and how and where to go for help. They fund research,teaching, education and support groups to help those in pain. I'm also a "chemo-angel" which means that I am "assigned" a patient going through chemo and I send that person little "cheer up" cards and small gifts weekly. I'm also a "card angel" which is where I get daily emails with people's names and addresses who need to be cheered up because something is very hard for them right now. They may be going through something like a heart attack,stroke or something difficult with a family member etc. I am able to pick and choose how many and which ones I can send a card to each week. I tried to be a "thank you" angel for about a few weeks. But with all of my arm, shoulder, neck and hand pain..there was no way I could continue to do that. I did try and I had to give that one back to the "Chemo angels" program and have someone else volunteer for that project. I wanted to do more but just couldn't do it physically.
   Lastly, I try to make jewelry to keep myself busy and make myself feel useful. I designed and continue to keep up a website with all of my jewelry designs up on it. If you would like to see it you can go to : www.freewebs.com/jewelrymkr; and if you do visit, please write on the guestbook page and let me know that you came and what you thought of it! 
     The last thing I was going to say was in the previous paragraph. I had forgotten that I wanted to add that although I already wrote in my last posting about my 15 yr Wedding Anniversary being this past week. I wanted to add that I am married to my soul-mate and best friend in the world! We've now been married for 15 years and I still feel like the love is as wonderful and new as the day I married him.  We have our little quarrels but get over them quickly. I love him more than anything in the world. I love my daughters more than anything in the world also, but that is a different kind of love! LOL...In my family, except for my parents and them staying miserably married for 49 years; I am the only one of their children who is "mentally healthy" enough to stay in and keep a marriage like this together for 15 years and going strong!  My oldest brother is "Married to his job" and he was married and divorece after 13 years because he cheated on his wife while he was still married and he cheated on her with a married woman who had 2 kids and he didnt ever "want" kids! After his divorce and after breaking up their two families, they broke up anyways. MY middle  older brother has been married now on his 4th time; but none of them have lasted more than a year or two except for the mother of his 2 children. He was a much older man and he dated their mother at 16 yrs of age! He married her on her 18th birthday! She then had 2 kids right away and as she grew up and matured, she got the heck away and "ran for her life" and the lives of her kids. The judge sent her to a domestic violence shelter after hearing some taped conversations in the courtroom of my brother threatening "to kill her if she keeps his children from him in any way". That's a story in and of it's own for another day!
   Thank you for coming here and reading and I hope to have some fun, happy stories for you next time around. Please come back and make yourself at home. Leave me some comments as the comments are always welcome. Thank you again and hope to have you back again soon.
  Love, 
Suzanne 

pretty infinity heart ring that Craig got me for our 15th Valentines Day Wedding Anniversary!

flowers that Amy bought for us for our Anniversary!

MY Feature Video for IDA & Our 15th Wedding Anniversary!

 

Hello Luvs...

Well, guess what? I'm really happy!! I have a few reasons for being so happy this day. First and foremost I wanted to let you know that the people from "INVISIBLE NO MORE TV" have really FEATURED ME on their website, You tube page, and their Facebook page! Also, the "Invisible Disabilities Association" is going to be putting my story up on their Facebook page also. Just for your future reference, in case you want to see these pages, I will first give you the YOU TUBE link so you can see my video that is "featured" on their website at:  http//www.invisibledisabilities.org/invisible-no-more/invisible-no-more-suzanne-stewart/   **and then if you would like to see my story on their facebook page, it is at: http://www.facebook.com/InvisbleNoMoreTV  .....and then soon it will be posted on their Invisible Disabilities Association Facebook Page at: http://www.facebook.com/InvisibleDisabilities    

Also if you want it to be easy...just go to: 

**  http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=y6nHl5MsDV4 

   I know I've given you several places to go to see my featured video, but it gives you choices and I'm just really excited! LOL ..I also have put my featured video up on my blogs standing "alone" as just a video on my blog...  

     Also...do you remember????.... I think I wrote and told you that  we received a letter from our Insurance company. I told you how they said they wouldn't be paying for my pain meds any longer after February 1, 2012? Well my wonderful Dr. wrote a "letter of medical necessity and it was "denied". Finally, he wrote a "BOOK" about me and all that I've gone through. He wrote about all of my injuries, surgeries, heart attack, stroke and everything that I suffer with. He wrote about my blood disease and Degenerative disc disease, RA  and the most painful acquired Neurological Nerve disease that I got after my foot surgery in 2007; called RSD/CRPS (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome)...and even so much more not written here. He wrote also how it has evolved into "FULL BODY RSD/CRPS" since that time.  Also called "Systemic" RSD/CRPS.

   There have just been so many things that have happened that would really make the so called "normal" person "flip their lid" and I'm still holding on, still "NOT CRAZY" according to my many Dr's and Psychological testing that's been done through everything! I'm so happy to report that they have said "YES" they will continue to pay for my much needed pain medications as long as my Dr. feels it's necessary. 

MY "2" daughters!

this is the gift I got from Craig for our 15th Wedding Anniversary this year on Valentine's Day!

Amy's gifts to US!!!

me!

Amy <3

Craig & I @ Red Lobster on our 15th Anniversary!

Craig and I sharing an Ice Cream Cone!

the 3 of us on Craig's birthday 2-5-2012!

    I also wanted to let you know on another happy note, that my husband and I recently on Valentine's Day, celebrated our "15th" Wedding Anniversary! We are going to hopefully go somewhere light and fun over the Summer with our daughter, Amy. We will all celebrate together! It will be our gift to each other and our gift to Amy for her Graduation in May of her Master's Degree in Library and Information Sciences.  This is what we all chose for a celebration of these milestone events that are so happy and exciting for all of us. There's nothing better than spending quality time together to renew a sense of love, companionship and family!!! I just wanted to say how proud I am of my daughter, Amy for this educational and personal success!! She's so intelligent and the most wonderful daughter anyone could ever have!  My family which consists of some wonderful friends and these two loving people; mean the world to me..and they have the biggest hearts of anyone I know. I thank God for them every day and for the other daughter that I "lost" and that I also love, from the bottom of my heart and that love will never die!

Feature Video For "Invisible NO More T.V."

This is the Video that is "FEATURED" on the "Invisible No More T.V." Website and on You Tube at their channel! Also they are featuring this, my video on their facebook page at : http://www.facebook.co/InvisibleNoMoreTV  **and soon it will be featured on the Invisible Disabilities Association's facebook page at:  http://www.facebook.com/Invisibledisabilities  **
    I'm really excited and I truly hope this will help so many who are in pain and need their stories to be told!

OMG~Don&apos;t Ever Ask "Can Things Get Any Worse?"

Hello Luvs, 
This time if you want to read something lite and cheery...you don't want to read my blog today. I usually try to write about happy times, fun times, good memories, trips, outings, kindness etc. But every now and then, I have to write about something not so happy, great or fun. Today is one of those days! In fact, my stomach is hurting as I'm writing this. 
  I thought I would get out for just awhile. You know, get out of the house and away from the "hum drum" of being a "pain patient" sitting at home most of the time. I gathered up my computer, my phone and my purse. I kissed my daughter on the forehead (she's in grad school and cannot be interrupted these days as she fastidiously does her last semester's work) and out the door I went! I am only able to drive 10 miles for "personal errands". My pain is such that it keeps me from driving any further because my legs, feet, knees, shoulders, neck etc all hurt from a MVA that I was injured in back in 2002 and then the several surgeries and many injuries that lingered afterwards. I also have RSD/CRPS(Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Complex Regional pain Syndrome), the highest form of Neurological pain on the "McGill pain scale" at #42, right up there with non-terminal Cancer pain.
  Well, I arrived at my destination, which was a Panera Bread Cafe' just across the street from our home. I proceeded to walk in and this odd looking "character" of an old man, with a white beard and a disheveled appearance who was also walking with a cane,  studied and watched me walk into the cafe with my own cane and my own set of troubles. He studied me and  leered at me and it made me very uncomfortable, but I went inside quickly and got into the line after putting my things down at a table. I was in the line and I suddenly felt a "POKE" at my right buttocks! I turned around to look and this disheveled looking old man said to me "So...what happened to you???".....OMGosh....I was shaking I was so angry! I looked him and said "That hurt! You shouldn't go around poking people in the rear end with your dirty, wet cane!!!!!!!!"...he shook his head at me and said "that don't hurt!! I didn't hurt you! I only touched your elbow.....or meant to!" I said back to him, "Well, I have a Neurological Pain disease and "YES" it did hurt me!! It's very rude to do what you did to me!!!!!" He grumbled and stayed right where he was.
    Then I get up to the counter to order and notice that this clerk named "Judie" is on duty and she's been very rude and mean to me and even my daughter in the past. She yells out our name when we walk in the door! She says "THE STEWART'S ARE HERE, GET THERE GOES THE SCONES"!! I'm thoroughly embarrassed! Then the next time after I'd told the manager about what she had done several times before, then we came in and she said something nasty to another clerk, a young man named "L." and it was nasty about "ME". I know this because I can read lips as I've been an Interpreter for the Deaf since 1980's! I told the manager about this and at first he told me "If you cannot tell me exactly what she said , then there's nothing I can do". I was furious and wrote to the "contact us" email address for the company "Panera Bread". I wrote everything that had happened. I told them I didn't want to commit to saying that I know exactly what she said about me, because I wouldn't do that unless I was certain of the exact words! The other clerk "L." looked at me sadly and shrugged his shoulders as he knew what she'd said and done. I even said to him "Please tell Judie that if she's going to talk about someone in a mean way, she should probably not to do it while the person she is speaking derogatorily about is standing right there in front of her!!!" The clerk nodded and tried not to get in the middle of it and that was really the proper thing for him to do. 
  So...this brings me back to today. I was walking into the Panera Cafe and suddenly I got that unwanted "POKE" in my behind from a "dirty old man"!! There wasn't much else I could do about him except for ignore him after that! But then to walk up and allow someone else to go ahead of me, in a kind way and without saying a mean word about anyone. Then to have Judie treat me badly once again...this is just uncalled for! I told the manager again for the umpteenth time, about Judie being unkind, laughing at me, saying things to other people about me, even other co-workers or just people in line! How unprofessional and HOW RUDE! So I don't know if Ben did anything or not, but Judie was still up at the counter laughing crudely and being herself when I went up to get a refill on my coffee.  I tried to fill out a survey, but I'm not quite sure if it made it through to the Panera offices or not?  Just as I was finishing up my survey and writing out my "story" of what had just happened to me at the Canton, MI Panera Cafe'...my computer got "booted offline" as my "30 minutes were up"!!!!!!!!!! I came in at 1:25 pm and it's supposed to only allow you online for 30 minutes between 11:30am-1:30pm and then it "kicks you off in the middle of whatever you may be doing". So I came in and got online at 1:25 pm, thinking that it's supposed to be over with at 1:30, so I should be OK. But no!!...I got kicked off as I was sending my complaint to the Panera higher ups! I was "kicked offline" for 5 minutes and then I had to sign back in again. 
  You know...this is getting to be much more trouble than it's worth for me. I think I've seen my last days of frequenting Panera Bread Cafe's.  
 Besides...while all of this is going on, I have in the back of my head, the possible ending of my pain medications due to the BCBS insurance co. wanting to stop paying for it.!! I was on the couch for 3 years after our MVA! I was in so much "chronic intractable pain". I had a hospital bed in our home, a "call button" in case I were to fall and not be able to get up, I would have this button on my wrist to push and it would call an ambulance to get me and help me. I wasn't able to drive at all for 3 1/2 years. Mostly due to pain issues, surgeries etc.  I tried many different pain medications and they all made me ill. I didn't even take an Aspirin for a headache before that happened to me, so my body wasn't used to these harsh meds.
   So I did the whole Pain Dr route. I went through all of his shots, injections of epidural medicine, Psychological testing to make sure I wasn't the personality of a "drug seeker"; which I passed with "flying colors" and was NOT one. I got to the point where he couldn't help offer anything else to me except an Intrathecal pain pump. It is a pump installed under your ribs inside of the body and has a catheter that delivers morphine /pain medication directly to your spine. It is 1/300th of the amount of oral medication that most people in pain can take! The fact that I already had a pacemaker,made me really not too excited to have another metal box, the size of a large hockey puck, placed inside of my body, to give me more trouble, problems.  My insurance company from the auto accident would NOT pay for it because although I was a "catastrophic claim", they just said "NO" the day prior to my "Pump trial" . I agreed to a "trial" just to see how much relief a pump would have given me.  But they said "NO", so I will now never know. My regular health insurance also said "NO" also because they (BCBS) thought that "auto should pay" for it. So no one wanted to pay and therefore I was then stuck with nothing but to continue trying pain meds.
   Then I acquired RSD/CRPS, the highest form of chronic Neurological pain known. It is highest on the pain scale, right up there with cancer pain as I had mentioned already above. It's also known as "Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy" or "Complex Regional Pain Syndrome". My pain Dr. turned me back over to my GP Doc and told me that "this way I wouldn't have to see so many Dr's and my GP could consult with him on meds if he wanted or needed to do so". That was that and I was in the total care of the best Dr. I've ever known or had the pleasure to have my healthcare taken charge of by him. He is now the "eye in the middle of my storm"; is how he says it to me. There were so many Dr's and things going on , that it's just better this way to have one Dr only to be the one filling prescriptions and only one pharmacy to fill them. I prefer it this way so things don't get messed up, or confused and then the right hand never knows what the left hand is doing. So having one Dr. in charge of everything is a very smart thing to do and I'm lucky to have him.
  He had me try several medications and we found something that finally worked but then I needed something for breakthrough pain. He found me something for that also. I was off of my couch in no time and doing things again with my family and able to do a bit at a time is much better than being unable to do anything, all of the time! My doseage didn't go waay up for a long time. I was on the same dose for 3 yrs. The insurance company had no problems with it. Then about six months ago after several times of my saying "no" to the Dr. offering that I could try a little bit more of the meds to help again because my body had gotten "used to" the amount I was taking and I was starting to feel more pain again. I was starting to stay on the couch and inside of the house again. So I relented and took a little bit more and things went along fine!
  I  started to take the generic in September 2011. Our insurance has gone down and gotten much less and our co-pays have gone up and gotten much worse! Everything was getting worse, including co-pays, paychecks were not going up ever and benefits continue to go down and down, thanks to our wonderful government (sarcasm).
The BCBS co sent us a form letter Jan 7, 2012. It stated that they were sending this out to all people on these certain pain meds and how they were "concerned" for people on these meds. Now mind you , it wasn't directed at me alone! It was a "form letter". They just want to save money so they don't care that I'm on the "cheap" pain patches or "cheap" pills for extra emergency pain either. They just don't want to pay anymore for the other breakthrough pain meds that I take on a daily basis so that I can function at least somewhat as a citizen of the world and in life.We got an appointment with my GP  within 3 days and went to see him about this letter. He told me "not to worry" and he would take care of it and take care of me. He wrote a letter of medical necessity.
   We waited and waited and heard nothing. On January 30th, only 1 day before the insurance company said they were going to stop allowing me to take the pain medication that I've taken for now 7 yrs, we finally called my Dr again to see if he'd heard anything from them. He said that his first letter of medical necessity was "denied". OMGosh...my stomach dropped and I felt like I was going to puke. I am so afraid of the pain coming back in full force and worse and most of all going through the possible deadly and horrific, torturous withdrawls! Though I'm not "addicted" per se, I have a body that is "physically dependant" on those particular meds now and anything could happen if they withdraw them quickly! 
   My Dr. then got an "Override" and wrote the BCBS a "book" about me and what's wrong with me and why I need the pain meds. Today is February 1st, 2012 and I still know nothing! That scares me because I only have a couple weeks worth of the medication for my pain left and after that I could : have a stroke, seizures, heart attack or even die!! I'm sure we will hear something soon. I'm sure in the next few days we will hear something. I hope they will pay for it still because I don't want to go through all of that and I don't want to be in the horrible pain again. It's still bad enough as it is, even with my medications. 
  We won't stop there. We will get an attorney and we will sit down with the employer for my husband. The person in charge of the benefits for medical insurance. We will talk to them, we will call the attorney general's office if we have to. We won't stop there either. I have a right to a life without suffering soo much. Who are they to say how much pain is worse than other pain? They are not medical Dr's and it's against the law for them to "practice medicine".  Please pray for my Dr's guidance  the guidance we need to get me the pain help that I need to continue on to have as good of a life as I possibly can with RSD/CRPS II full body along with all of the other pain issues from the car accident. Please say a prayer for me today, if you are a praying person. No matter who your higher power is, I beg of you to pray for something good to happen in my corner, for a change. Thank you for reading and I wish you all "no pain or low pain and a happy and good life"!
Love, Suzanne