A little Bit of This, A little Bit of That & Our Anniversary too!!

card from Amy to us!

Hey Luvs, 
I hope everyone is doing well these days? I hope you saw the video that preceeded this blog post? I was and am so excited that the IDA (Invisible Disabilities Association) chose me to be one of a few people to make a short video for them to feature on their front page of "Invisible No More TV"! I felt honored and happy to do it, especially when they told me that in doing this video, I would be helping a lot of people. My "story" will help people! Others who are struggling with pain issues, heartbreak, RSD/CRPS etc. I was really excited and could not wait until they would actually put it up on their page. If you haven't had the chance to see it yet, I hope you will go back to my last post that is titled "Invisible No More TV" Video. 
  Now on to bigger and better things! I cannot remember if I have told you yet, that our health insurance company had sent a letter on Jan 7th, telling me that they were not going to pay for my pain medications anymore as of February 1st!  I was devastated and afraid. We visited my Dr. and he assured me that it would be OK. To make a long story short, he did make it OK! He first wrote a letter of "medical necessity" and they denied it. The he wrote them a "BOOK" about me and all that is wrong with me and the pain issues etc. They never called back so my Dr.'s Secretary called the ins. co. and complained and as of February 6th, they said "they lost the "book", my Dr. wrote"!!!! The Dr's office was livid and I'm sure the Dr. was too. So within about 10 minutes the ins. co. called back to the Dr.'s office and told them that I was "approved"! Then the Dr.'s office called Craig to tell him (because I told them to call him instead of me, LOL). Craig called me and I started to cry because I was so relieved! It was a very scary and stressful time just wondering what was going to happen to me if they stopped the pain meds suddenly! My Dr. had told me that if worse came to worse; he would put me into the I.C.U. and under heavy sedation and heavy "watch" to make sure I didn't have another heart attack or stroke! I would've had to have gone through physiological withdrawls while in a deep sleep and hopefully not feel much of anything. But I was still afraid of anything like that! I'm just glad that it's finally over and it was approved and my Dr. is the best! He tried and he did way over and above what any Dr. ever has to do!  Thank you my very special and wonderful Dr. 'B'..
   Ok..so that drama got over with! Thank goodness,right? Then because of the changes in our insurance companies co-pays etc, I couldn't go to see my Psychologist, Dr. "K." anymore. The charge was astronomical and the insurance would only pay about half of it. We could NOT afford to pay 55.00- 60.00 per week for me to go talk to someone. Even though I know with all that I've been through and with what I'm still going through; I really need to talk with him. "HE" is the one who actually knows me and all that I've been through. He knows all that I'm still going through. But no matter what kind of special bond I thought I had with Dr. K, it is still a patient and Dr. relationship and/or bond and I have to pay just like e everyone else. I guess I had always hoped that because I'm "ME"...and because he knows everything about me  and he has said that he's "surprised that I'm not dead or crazy because of everything I've been through;" I thought maybe he'd wave some of the fee or something like that. I was hoping for that and wishing for that but it never happened. It doesn't mean that he hates me, it just means that I'm not as "special" as I thought I was to him-yet in a purely business way of course. I thought because he always has told me that I'd been through more than most and that I've been through so much abuse and hurt and craziness during my lifetime and that I'm a "miracle"; I just thought he'd make it OK and make it so I could still see him. It didn't happen and it hasn't happened. But he can't change the rules for one person or else I guess it would make him feel like all of his patients need help like that and he cannot help everyone by letting the co-pays slide or be less or anything like that. There are so many people in the same situation now with their insurance companies paying less and nobody has the money for so many things that they "need".  So I just do what I can and I sometimes will email him and he will usually write me back right away. To me, that is much better than no communication whatsoever. The best thing is that he knows me more than anyone else pretty much; or for the most part. He has seen my abusive family in action. He had received letters from my mother and the Dr. that I saw prior to him, in the same office (but she got sick so I had to switch over to seeing him instead) even MET my parents!  Dr. "L." who I had seen prior to Dr. "K." said that she hadn't said anything like my parents  and brothers in all of her years of practicing Psychology. They made her sick to her stomach and literally made her feel ill. She and Dr. K. both said that my parents are the most "evil" people they'd seen in 35yrs of practice. It made her sick to her stomach, the things they said and did to me! 
     Just to add to that, I'd like to say that this is why I'm so much more heartbroken about "losing" my oldest daughter in 2004, when she was 18 yrs old! She decided to "forgive" her abusive father and my horribly abusive, mean & 'psycho'  family too! But in doing that, she felt that she had to "hate" me and turn away from me totally 100%.
   She did exactly that and my heart has  been broken every day since that time. I even had a heart attack the first "Mother's Day" that she was gone, and was in the University of Michigan Hospitals! My cardiologist who's known me for a very long time said that "yes" it was a "true heart attack", but also "broken heart syndrome". He saw the bond I had with both of my girls and couldn't believe that my oldest just left, the way she did..and for a boy! She mostly left because she "didn't like our house rules". I said "NO" when she was 17 3/4 years old, still in high school, still living in our home and she asked to sleep over at her boyfriends' house! His mother allowed her to sleep in his room and allowed them to go into the hot tub together in ways that I would never allow nor would I ever have allowed that behavior under my roof.
   I trusted these boys' Mothers but I shouldn't have. They wanted to be "BFF's" with their sons and daughters and especially the single, divorced ones. They had to be "buddies" with their children instead of being Parents, with rules, like they're supposed to be! I wanted to be friends with my girls also;but I knew that being a parent was what I was/am first and foremost! I cared most for my daughters' health, well being and safety first & foremost. I also cared for her not losing her self respect, but it was too late for that by then!
   I had been a good mother. I raised my girls mostly alone and on my own. Even when I was married to their father, he was a police deputy Sheriff and gone all of the time. He'd be gone all night many a nights and sleep all day! He'd yell and scream when I wasn't  keeping our young infant and 2 1/2 year old daughters quiet enough. He would fly into a rage and be very abusive. I was used to it though. I thought it was my fault because my parents and living in their house was pretty much the same way!
    Not a day goes by that I don't think of my oldest daughter and wonder how she is doing? What is she doing? How is her health and what kinds of things is she "into" these days? I worry about her safety and I pray for her daily. I buy things for her and just either put them away or throw them away because I've lost hope and I truly don't feel like I'll ever have my "little sunshine girl" back again. 
    I pray for the day that she knocks at my door and says that she's sorry for lying about me and hurting me so much. She's sorry for lying about Craig and Amy and just for everything she lied about to everyone else! I pray for that day, for that phone call, that knock on the door. I will forgive her instantly, if she should ever want that forgiveness. I dream about the Bible and the story of the "Prodigal's son" and how he comes home and they have a party and the father is so happy that his son finally learned whatever it was he was supposed to learn during his time away.
    Time keeps passing. It's something we can never get back and I'm heartsick, heartbroken day after day. It feels like I'm not "allowed" to talk about it or it upsets everyone. Amy tells people that she's an "only child" because she feels that way and she just doesn't want to get into all of the details with with others who probably won't understand. People cannot possibly understand unless they've lost someone this way themselves. Amy was hurt in her own ways by "them". She has her own story to tell and it's up to her to tell it; it's not up to me.
    I was planning on writing a fun blog story today. It has ended up being a bit dramatic and somber if you ask me!?? So I will end with the fact that I did get my video put up on the "feature page" of "Invisible No More TV" and it will be on their facebook page and the facebook page of "Invisible Disabilities Association" very soon! I'm very proud and excited about that!!  I'm a Mentor for people with RSD/CRPS (which is the very painful Neurological disease that I have also); I run a support group on facebook for people in chronic pain and who have any of the "invisible painful diseases" such as: RSD/CRPS,Lups, MS, RA,EDS, Fibro, and any other painful diseases or issues. This support group has over 600 people in it! I run a "Cause" page on facebook also and have raised money for RSDHOPE.ORG; a non-profit organization who helps people with RSD/CRPS to understand what it is exactly and how and where to go for help. They fund research,teaching, education and support groups to help those in pain. I'm also a "chemo-angel" which means that I am "assigned" a patient going through chemo and I send that person little "cheer up" cards and small gifts weekly. I'm also a "card angel" which is where I get daily emails with people's names and addresses who need to be cheered up because something is very hard for them right now. They may be going through something like a heart attack,stroke or something difficult with a family member etc. I am able to pick and choose how many and which ones I can send a card to each week. I tried to be a "thank you" angel for about a few weeks. But with all of my arm, shoulder, neck and hand pain..there was no way I could continue to do that. I did try and I had to give that one back to the "Chemo angels" program and have someone else volunteer for that project. I wanted to do more but just couldn't do it physically.
   Lastly, I try to make jewelry to keep myself busy and make myself feel useful. I designed and continue to keep up a website with all of my jewelry designs up on it. If you would like to see it you can go to : www.freewebs.com/jewelrymkr; and if you do visit, please write on the guestbook page and let me know that you came and what you thought of it! 
     The last thing I was going to say was in the previous paragraph. I had forgotten that I wanted to add that although I already wrote in my last posting about my 15 yr Wedding Anniversary being this past week. I wanted to add that I am married to my soul-mate and best friend in the world! We've now been married for 15 years and I still feel like the love is as wonderful and new as the day I married him.  We have our little quarrels but get over them quickly. I love him more than anything in the world. I love my daughters more than anything in the world also, but that is a different kind of love! LOL...In my family, except for my parents and them staying miserably married for 49 years; I am the only one of their children who is "mentally healthy" enough to stay in and keep a marriage like this together for 15 years and going strong!  My oldest brother is "Married to his job" and he was married and divorece after 13 years because he cheated on his wife while he was still married and he cheated on her with a married woman who had 2 kids and he didnt ever "want" kids! After his divorce and after breaking up their two families, they broke up anyways. MY middle  older brother has been married now on his 4th time; but none of them have lasted more than a year or two except for the mother of his 2 children. He was a much older man and he dated their mother at 16 yrs of age! He married her on her 18th birthday! She then had 2 kids right away and as she grew up and matured, she got the heck away and "ran for her life" and the lives of her kids. The judge sent her to a domestic violence shelter after hearing some taped conversations in the courtroom of my brother threatening "to kill her if she keeps his children from him in any way". That's a story in and of it's own for another day!
   Thank you for coming here and reading and I hope to have some fun, happy stories for you next time around. Please come back and make yourself at home. Leave me some comments as the comments are always welcome. Thank you again and hope to have you back again soon.
  Love, 
Suzanne 

pretty infinity heart ring that Craig got me for our 15th Valentines Day Wedding Anniversary!

flowers that Amy bought for us for our Anniversary!