Hello Luvs,
You know this blog has been mostly happy thoughts and good stories, sharing my life and life in general. Last time I posted a couple of messages that I had "copied and pasted" from my inbox, that my abusive brother D.S.M., had sent to me. I wanted someplace to keep them because somehow, he got into "MY inbox" on Facebook...and deleted them and put the word "FALSE" in there next to his now faceless picture; because he then "blocked me". I had him blocked already in the first place because he is literally(unmedicated bc he won't take the Lithium prescribed bc my mom had told him it made him "fat like Buddha" so he stopped taking it; even though it really helped him) "bi-polar with psychotic tendancies" and I don't want him near any of us. I was at the Psychologist's office with him a couple of times actually, when he asked me for help. He had asked me to go with him to tell the Dr. that all he said was true! Because there was so much abuse in our lives growing up that the Dr. didn't , couldn't hardly believe him; so he asked me to go with him and validate him. I did that and then he turned around and called ME a "liar" and all kinds of crazy things and said it wasn't true. Though I had written down the names of the 2 places I'd gone with him; therefore I have the proof if need be. One of the places (a Psychologist) even called the police on him and they were going to have him committed! He grabbed my arm and away we went whirling through the hallways trying to escape his Psychologist's office because the Police were on their way!! (*well when you tell your shrink that you want to "off yourself" they get a bit concerned! That is why the police were called!)
Anyways, this is MY blog and I'm a good person. I try to be happy and upbeat as much as I possibly am able. I have had so many bad ocurrances in my life and if I were to make a list, many wouldn't even believe it because soooo much has happened to one person! I also have a private blog where I usually post my most private and inner thoughts and only a few people are allowed to read that one. This one therefore, is open to the public so I am a bit more "choosy" about what I put here.
It is "mother's day" this weekend. I thought first of all I will Thank God for giving me my two daughters, who I love very much. I Always have and I always will no matter what happens. But I thought this could be a good time for me to put down here in my open blog some of the things that have happened to me in my life; not for pity...but just to remind me of where I am and the love that I have NOW in my life and how thankful I am that I have a wonderful, kind, loving soul-mate for my husband C.S.M. and my beautiful, smart, lovely daughter A.B.C. too.
So to start off, I don't want this to be too long..so I'll start off by saying that I was born in Feb of 1962. I have 2 older brothers and I had 2 parent household growing up. I'm the youngest and the only girl with 2 older brothers.
My mother AND my father were "hurt" in life by their own parents. It was an "alchoholism" thing and was passed down although my parents didn't drink anything ever, that I know! Though they smoked until I was about 11 yrs old. I have a letter written by my mothers youngest brother to me in 2002 or so. He tells of how my grandmother "punched my mother until she fell down the stairs and passed out and my grandmother accused her of faking it".....I know my father's mom died when he was 4yrs old and he was mostly raised by his older sisters until he was 9 but that same year they all left and married; leaving him with his abusive, alcoholic father who was never home. If he did come home he was drunk and brought women and my father didn't like to go to sleep at night. Even on Christmas he was alone. His father told him he "would never amount to anything and he was good for nothing". My mothers' and fathers lives were not very good. They married and the "sickness" continued onward.
Now, remember...I'm just "getting this out" in a very short and non explanitory way today. Just to "get it out" because I feel the need. I'm in no way endangering, hurting, defaming anyone as I"m not using any names, just initials.
I could write pages of the things my mom and dad said to me as I was growing up, here are a few examples from about 5 pages of my book *some thing said and/or done to me when I was a child by my mother and/or father: 1). "I wish you would have died instead of your sister L.M.M., she would've given you a run for your money. She would've been a nurse and gotten ALL the boys!" 2). They took polaroid pictures of me and wrote "fatso" in yellow marker and posted it up on the refrigerator..3).I asked one day when I was about 12 yrs old to go ice skating with my friend. My mom said "no" and so I told her I was going "to call my dad at work and ask him" and she grabbed the telephone and hit me very hard and broke my left elbow. I was punched in the face, temple, mouth and was backed up against my bedroom door on the floor covering myself with my hands. She was yelling to my brothers "lock the doors! Don't let her out of the house"..luckily , finally , my oldest brother did open the door and I went to a house where I babysat. The nice Italian woman let me use her phone to call my father at work. He came and took me to the hospital because my elbow was so swollen and red and I was crying . He took me but not without telling me first on the way to the hospital that "you tell them that you fell down the stairs", "if you tell them your mother did this they'll put her in jail. She is ill and that would be a horrible thing to do to her. She didn't mean it. You wouldn't like foster care. They would take you away from us, your family and split all of us up. You would be hurt, raped even! Do not tell!" We went to the hospital and I didn't have to say one word. No one ever asked me what happened! They spoke to my father, it was about 1973 or 74. I came home with a sling on my left arm and my dad told me to "stay away out of my moms hair because she is angry with me". She looked at me and never said a word. No one ever did again! 4). One day when I was about 16/17 yrs old, I was trying to move the telephone out of my mom's room so I wouldn't bother her and I could talk on the phone to friends. She yelled at me "get out of my "effin" room or I will blow your "effin " head off!"....5.) another time my mother pulled my dad's gun out on me and my middle brother! I ran out of there so fast she pulled the sleeve right off of my outfit. I ran to a pay phone and called my older brother . He was in Nebraska away at school. He told me "be a good girl, it's OK..mom's sick and on Steroid's and she doesn't mean it...just be a good girl and help and get straight A's and stuff and it'll be ok".
6.) My mother got a blood disease when she hemmoraged after birthing my older brother D.S.M...she always blamed HIM! She told him it was "HIS" fault that she was sick. She chased him around hitting him ,punching him and he'd hide under his bed (as did I because the same happened to me) ...but one time in particular, she was pregnant with one of the babies after me, that died. She was trying so hard to hit D.S.M. that she couldn't fit under the bed being pregnant and took the belt buckle side up and flung it under the bed at him, trying to hurt him because he displeased her....7.) If I was given food someplace, something like brownies, cakes etc...a b-day party...I would have to come home, be forced to take this "medicine"(later found out that it was Syrup of Ipecac) and I was to take it and it was horrible tasting. I cried and cried and ran around the house trying NOT to take it. Then my father would force me to drink 8 glasses of water! Then..they put a shower curtain down on the dining room floor and a wooden child's rocker and they'd sit me down with a bucket in my lap to "get rid of everything" I had eaten. It was not normal, it was violent, wretching and horrible memories of it taunt me today still. I still cannot drink water. I gag on it as I try to drink it. Later, when I asked why they did this to me? I also asked why I was starved, put on diets of only: saltine crackers, soup from a can and a hard boiled egg daily??? My father would reply "your mother always thought you were born "perfect" and she just wanted you to stay that way as did I". WHAT? Who can live up to "PERFECT"??? Surely not I? No one could live up to that!
..... So much happened in between...one night my brother D.S. M. stayed up til 2am talking of all of this and more. He was angry with them (my parents) for something so he spoke freely then. Then he got meaner and meaner and was diagnosed with "bi-polar disorder". My mother told him that the Lithium that they gave him for it, made him "FAT"; she told him he looked like "Budda"...so he stopped taking it and therefore stayed "sick" and is still "sick" to this day.
I had computer virus's sent to my /our home computer from D.S.M....I have envelopes of things he's written to me and done to me including Personal protection orders that I've had against him from the threats he's said to me, messages he's left and writing's he's sent!
He even was in jail and on house tether for going against a court order to stay away from his ex wife and their children. Because he'd threatened his ex-wife in a telephone conversation that was played for the judge and the judge threw him in jail and then on house tether arrest for 9 more months until the trial. Yes, there was a trial and he was accused of some horrible things that I won't even write here. I will put the newspaper article up and you can see for yourself. He was found "NOT guilty" as charged. But mostly because he was an ex-cop, and his daughter had been only 3 yrs old when it happened and only 4yrs old when the trial ocurred. She'd spoken to the domestic violence shelter and Dr's etc...but after a year she'd forgotten everything ...there was nothing the prosecutor could do,he told me because she was so young and it's just too hard to prove these things even with a note from the child's Dr. etc.
Now that child is grown and has alot of problems including hurting herself. Deep down inside the subconscious knows what has happened.
Much of my sadness is because I lost my oldest daughter, J.L.C. 7 yrs go when she left home at 18 yrs old. She "didn't like our house rules" and wanted me to allow her while still in high school, to sleep over at her boyfriends house! She got into some "bad" stuff with some "bad" people. I was as kind and loving as I could still be and just grounded her and talked to her and had my Dr. talk to her.
Well, my abusive family and her abusive father (who only had (court ordered)supervised visits, by the way; and moved 1,000 miles away because he was embarrassed and started a NEW life, new wife, new kids there and was NOT there for our girls but a couple of times in their lives!) have all gotten together and they've all helped turn my oldest daughter against me. I know she did most of it on her own as she was 17 yrs old...but she started at 13 yrs old. I did the very best I knew how with what I had been given.
We went to church, we had picnics even some inside the house on rainy days! We went on bikerides and joined the YMCA "indian Guides" programs with campouts and fireside songs, hay rides etc... We had tea parties and they had many sleepovers, birthday parties yearly with great surprises and alot of love shown. I gave them my time, the thing I had the least of because I worked full time and then part time. I wanted part time to be able to be with them more often and it finally worked out to where I could do that.
I took them to religious education classes and then had them be assistants in helping to teach the classes.I took pizza to J.L.C. for her 16th birthday at school to share with her friends at lunch. She wanted me to just "drop off" the pizza's and leave as quickly as I got there; as her friends were asking me "stay awhile Mrs. C."...or "have a piece of pizza Mrs. C." I was pretty "hurt" that she just wanted me to drop them off and leave asap; only because she'd just been "caught" doing something very much against the rules of our home, our church and our lives. I spoke to her, "grounded her " in that she could not go out for a month, but could have her friends over to our house! But I still gave her this pizza party to school and a sleepover and "MaryKary " makup party with cake, ice cream and all of her friends to our home!
It hurts so much...there are so many more things that happened and it's all in a 380 page"book" that I've written, but have decided NOT to publish because I don't wish to hurt anyone. I got it out and that is what matters to me. I don't need revenge or to hurt anyone.
Although my Dr's seem to think this book would help alot of other people who've also been hurt and/or abused. I just cannot fathom opening up a "can of worms" and hurting the people who've hurt me. I won't do that because I have no need. As much as I'd like to help others, I can find other ways to do that. I think just writing what I've written here and my other "private" blog will help me and help people to know that you can persevere. You can be strong and get through "it"; whatever "it" may be for you.
I try to live by two quotes and one is from the Bible and it's Romans 12:12 "Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good". The other one is from Martin Luther King, Jr and he said "....Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that".
So...I will end on that note with a few pictures. I am real and true and I'm alive. I am happy to have one daughter that loves me and I love her and together we have each other to get through all of the "craziness" in life. I have a kind, loving husband who is a great "dad" to my youngest daughter also. She always says she thinks of him as her "real dad" because he's always been there for us /her when her biological dad told her to her face and in front of a police officer that he "didn't give a damned", he just wanted his car back"...yes, the car that my own father GAVE her a thousand dollars to buy.... (which was supposed to be a graduation gift, *my mother had saved that money for each grandchild & he gave it to her in 10th grade! My mom died in 2002 & my dad gave the money when HE felt like it and not when it was supposed to be given which was my mother's wish.) . My own father wanted to help get her to leave her home and not live with me. He wanted to "HURT" me on purpose because my father and my 2 brothers "get pleasure from my pain". He didn't care that her father had been found "GUILTY" by a jury and he'd been given only "supervised visitation" by a Judge and a court order!!
I suppose I'm not ending quite yet...I have a little bit more to share in that I tried to "friend" my dad's girlfriend of 2 yrs recently, because I know she has no idea who I am. I know she gets her hair done by my oldest daughter who doesn't see or speak to us/me and hasn't since 2004.**( She left home at age 18 because while she was still in High school, I wouldn't allow her to sleep over night at her boyfriend's home. His mother let her move right in with them and sleep in her son's room.) I also wouldn't allow certain behaviors in our home and she wanted to do things that were against our family's rules. She even wrote school papers, I later found out...about me..things she knew nothing about that really hurt me and were not and are not true. She did it to get an "A" and sympathy from her teachers. It worked!
She's been gone for 7 yrs. I had a heart attack, right after the first Mother's day that she was gone. The Cardiologist said that it was "broken heart syndrome- yes....a REAL heart attack but also from a broken heart". I was his first true case of this. He has known me for many years. He knows how much my daughters mean to me and that they are and always have been my life. My father,brothers also know this and to get their "revenge" (for my telling the truth...speaking to a Psychologist etc.) they helped both of my daughters in an attempt to "hurt me". My oldest daughter is/was angry because I wouldn't allow her do "whatever" she wanted to do.
This story gets worse, believe it or not. I was in a car accident in 2002, a man ran through a red light. Our van was totalled and so was I! I had several surgeries and chronic pain. I hit my head and acquired an MTBI or "mild traumatic brain injury" that I went to outpatient brain injury rehab for 3 yrs. I needed to get help with my short term memory. It didn't help and my short term memory is "in the toilet" as they say in the test results. I just forget things but that doesn't make me "crazy"; as my oldest daughter & my father/brothers have told people.
I ended up having to get a pacemaker after my heart attack(in 2005, May...) because I got something called "atrial fibrillation". I also got "Dysautonamia, POTS/NCS... all from the MTBI also. I endured several surgeries, Polyneuropathy,L-5 radiculopathy with 2 AFO's (ankle foot orthotics/*braces for my legs for "foot drop" so I don't fall). I have Degenerative Disc Disease in my neck and back from herniated/bulging discs from the accident. I have screws in my left shoulder and long thoracic nerve damage in my right shoulder. My right arm feels heavy and "on fire", it also goes numb when I use my right hand/arm for too long. I cannot hold my head up for very long without leaning it on a wall or a chair or something because my neck hurts too much to hold it up. I can only drive 10 miles due to pain and the fact that my right shoulder hurts and goes numb as my right arm and right leg/foot do too. I'm on pain medication 24/7 to help me "live" and not be on the couch or in bed all of the time. My oldest daughter said it was "depressing" after the accident. She was "sick of my pain and surgeries". She left and never cared to even call back to see if I was alive after the heart attack...my husband called her to tell her about it, because that was the right thing to do; she obviously didn't care. I had a stroke a year after that, a CVA; and it again hurt the right side of my body which was already hurt in the accident!!
Lastly, I acquired RSD/CRPS, a horribly painful Neurological condition/disease from my last surgery on my foot. I was diagnosed in June 2007, by the Dr. who performed the surgery in April, 2007. Later, I saw an Orthopedic foot specialist who also diagnosed me with the RSD/CRPS. This last year I was told that it is now "full body" RSD/CRPS II; which means it is now attacking my whole body! I feel like I'm very cold or very hot but on fire most of the time. It's like the worst sunburn you ever had that doesn't go away. It includes swelling and discoloration and horrible nerve pain.
In 2007, I wrote some of this pain stuff on a "carepage" and my oldest daughter must have seen it or something...because I got a text message from her and this was the last contact that we've had. She said to me in a text message "Suzanne...why do you think people care about you??....They DON'T!!!"...She didn't even call me "mom". I said that to her best friend who acosted me in the mall a few weeks ago and she said to me "well, maybe you didn't deserve to be called "mom"!!!
So much pain has occurred...so much continues to happen. I only wanted my dad's girlfriend to know me for who I really am and not for what they portray me to be. It hurts and it bothers me...the lies and the horrible "sickness" they have together.
My dad and brothers sent me a text after all of this, stating "your lies and treachery just make our love stronger, Thank you"..... Another text from D.S.M., my brother (before I got blocks put on all of our cell phones: mine, my younger daughter and my husband's) a week ago or so, stated "U R ROTTEN" and "I hope you burn in hell!! Now the Law can stop ur lying trifling sick ways"...Even my oldest brother, S.B.M. sent me a text that read "UR ROTTEN!". The weirdest thing about his text was that in my phone where I "save" the messages, that one was right next to one he'd sent on my birthday on Feb 24th, 2011, that read: "Happy b-day sis, I love you xo"
Well, I've not done anything against the law. I never have done anything against the law. I'm a good and honest person. In fact, I've really not done anything "bad" that I can think of in my whole life! I somehow "lost" my oldest daughter because she was "sick of my pain and surgeries". .. and because she didn't want to follow our rules.
She tells people that we "kicked her out"; that is not farther from the truth. We even made her give us her house keys in front of a 3rd party, Dr. Heather, so that it was on record that we did NOT make her leave our home. She left on her own and it was her own idea because she wanted to spend the night at her boyfriends house while still in high school and I wouldn't allow it. His mother even spoke ill of me and spoke against me and I never even met her except for ten minutes when we took pictures of our kids dressed for the homecoming dance in 11th grade! She didn't and doesn't know me at all. My youngest daughter was in their home once and heard the boyfriend's mother speaking bad of me in front of my other daughter and to her. Why? What did I do to deserve this?
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| This is a letter written by a friend of my families who's known us for many yrs!! |
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| *ABOVE:letter from a neighbor who was hiding in our closet so I could have proof as to what was happening when their father came to our home. |
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| The above note is written by my Psychologist on his paper because ppl were being so horrible to me! He wrote it for me to just have and hold to make myself feel better because I know he knows the truth. |
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| ABOVE: THIS LETTER WRITTEN BY MY MOMS BROTHER, MY UNCLE FOR ME BC HE BELIEVED IN ME~ |
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| *ABOVE: a letter written by my dad's ex wife to me! |
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| this is DSM's "MYSPACE" page before he erased it when he found out that I had found it! |
Is he like his"MYSPACE" page or is he like the "BISHOP"?? It's a bit confusing isn't it *YES,this is the same person that the newspaper article is written about above and he is the one on the right!
this is the front of a scrapbook that my oldest daughter
made for me for Mother's Day the year before she left!
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