A You Tube Video with My oldest daughter in it.

Momma & her Girls in AZ 1991

 This is the 1st  page of the scrapbook Jessy made for me in 2003 and then within the year she was gone, hating me, lying about me and hanging out with my abusers!

This is a video that shows my daughter, Jessica...in a hair salon contest of some sort. I just wanted to share it in my blog to have it as a keepsake too. I havent' been able to see or speak to her now since 2004 when she left just after graduating from High school. I am so sad and I cry almost every day. I cannot believe that I raised her pretty much alone; for the most part ...and that she could do that to me, to us. 
  I was always there for her. I was the *only one in the crowd rooting for her at every track meet, swim meet, parent show, family show @ school, chorus concert, honors night, swim team/parents picnic and dinner at end etc. I brought her and her friends PIZZA on her 16th birthday to school, just as she asked me to do. I went there and she wanted me to just "drop it off and leave" ! I thought that wasn't very kind especially when her friends were asking me to stay a few minutes and telling me "how nice" I was for doing that and telling me how "their parents would never have done that for them"! It really hurts...so much...to lose a child to: a "bad boyfriend(now husband)", to bad family members who are and have been abusive all of my life and their one goal is to watch me and get pleasure from my pain! Also her boyfriend/now husband's mother, who only met me one time for about 10 minutes during picture taking for homecoming dance; helped turn her against me too. How can or could anyone do that to another mother?
    I know Jessy had to  have told something or alot of things untrue to these people in order for them to "hate" and "hurt" without ever knowing me at all or who I am or what I stand for.  It's going on about 7 yrs this July of 2011and I still cry when no one is watching. My family at home here, they don't want to see me cry and be upset. They don't understand why I still pine away and cry for someone who's: lied about me, treated me horribly when I was especially hurt(injured)  so badly, never called back after my husband called her to tell her that her mom had a heart attack in 05, also she lied to everyone at her wedding (which she never told or invited me or her sister or stepdad to) and told them that I am "crazy" and that "her sister wasn't allowed to come to her wedding because her mom wouldn't allow it".
    First of all #1: Her sister was 21 yrs old, her name is Amy and she loves me/us. She never GOT an invitation to the wedding and wouldn't have gone if she had gotten one. It wouldn't have been because I wouldn't "allow" her to go as she was 21 at the time and really didn't have any "rules" any longer at our house. She was in College, in the honors program and working and doing really well in life and at home and we all love each other here and she just wouldn't have gone because she is very angry with her sister for how she's been treated and for ;how she's treated me and even their stepdad  ..(who by the way, got up and dressed again one time after 11pm when he was ready for bed and went to her apartment after she called him to help her bring up her groceries 3 flights of steps. She was afraid of her apartment building because of the area it was in and the kind of people that lived there (though her grandfather bought it for her and didn't care about her safety whatsoever). She wanted Craig to help because it was dark at night and I couldn't help due to carrying and pain and the stairs. She never even said "thank you" really and he was so kind to her and she just treated him badly.
    One evening she had been fighting with me for hours to let her sleep over at her boyfriends home. I was telling her that she lives in our home and she's "just turned 18 but still in High school" and we have rules about boy/girl sleepovers at that age and before marriage especially. She called me a "Jesus Freak" and a "strict freak" and all of those people stuck up for her! My own father and brothers get and even enjoy seeing me in pain and they get pleasure from it. MY cousin in Arizona has told me this in those words exactly and not trying to hurt me on purpose.  She had made a 2nd set of  car keys and had clothing on her floor, along with those keys; she was all ready for a fight and to leave our home to do whatever she wanted whether we allowed it or not!! She ran up the stairs after fighting with me for 2 hours (I was in tears from the physical pain I was in since the car accident injuries and having "intractable pain" is a horrible thing to have especially when someone is screaming at you ) and she ran past my husband who had been just standing up at the top of the stairs waiting to see if I needed him to step in but allowing me to handle it myself too. She punched him repeatedly in the chest and arms and he pushed her tummy with his right arm and hand to get her to stop punching him. But she told the story a bit differently with a twist of her own..I decided to call the domestic violence shelter and they said what he did was "self defense, because she was 18 yrs old and punching him out !"  He has never ever touched a hair on any of our heads since I've known him for 14 or now 15 yrs!
    I've said enough for now. I try not to talk about this stuff on this open blog. I have a private blog that only a few people are invited to read...(if you would like to read it please let me know and I will add you if I can). I try to keep this blog to the more fun stories and good things to talk about and share! So...enough of the pain and sorrow of losing a "child" to her own bad behaviors and to the "BAD" people, abusive people in my life. She is now married and may be on her way to having my grandchildren..whom I may never get to meet or even see.  I need to let it go...I need to not think of it every single day. But how can you raise someone and love them sooooo much and take care of them and feel like they also love you alot...so much so...that she even once wrote a "letter to God" to "not take her mommy away because ...." well...because "mommy" was the only one that was EVER ALWAYS there for her and rooting for her at everything and screaming out her name as she swam etc....always there and always loving, teaching and forgiving. That's what I am all about!
    It was just my girls and me and for a long time. Their father got into big trouble with the law and got found "guilty" of  "obscene conduct and indescent exposure". He couldn't even see the girls without a supervisor as they were growing up. But I always still invited him to everything public at school or at church etc. But he lived 1,000 miles away and rarely ever came. I remember one time in Kindergarten, Jessy was a "lion" and she was told by her dad that he would come to that, her 1st performance ever! I went of course and brought her little sister,Amy and went and got our babysitter; a 16 yr old girl named "Amy" also. We all went to watch Jessy in this little production for school. She never noticed or cared that we were even there "rooting" for her, clapping for her and loving her. She was only looking at the door, watching for her dad....a "dad" who never showed up....but when he did show up at one swim meet *(out of the possibly "3" that he maybe showed up for ever!!) he made sure he made quite a scene! He brought his pregnant new wife and a huge Halloween basket of candy and toys etc..  for the girls...something he'd NEVER done up until then. She was 17 yrs old and Amy was 15 yrs old!
   Another thing I wanted to add is this: Both of the girls did NOT want to meet their baby sister when she was born. Their father and his new wife had moved  back to Michigan to have the baby and they lived in a one bedroom apartment above his parents garage. I forced the girls to go to the hospital with us and see their baby 1/2 sister! I told them that they "would love her" and it was the "right thing to do because all of this wasn't her fault, as she was a new baby". They reluctantly went to the hospital with us and from that day foreward they loved her, Charlotte. Now that isn't necessarily a bad thing.. It is what I wanted. But then they used that love for Charlotte to turn my girls away and against me. It worked for Jessy 100% and it almost worked on Amy too. Thank God Amy got away and out of that craziness and abusveness; it didn't take her but 3 months to figure out what kind of people they are/were and what she was dealing with in her "father".
     I would love nothing more than for my girls to be sisters and best friends. It pains me to see Amy without a sister. She tells me that Jessy never "liked" her anyways. She tells me that she was teased and made fun of by her sister and never ever allowed to go out or "play" with jessy and her friends. When all of this separation happened; Amy wrote Jessica a letter. Jessica had kept on trying to "friend" Amy on Facebook. Amy didn't want to be friends with someone who treated her mother so abuively and terribly after all she ever got from their mother (me) was love and forgiveness and anything and everything they could ever need or want especially time and love and energy (which I had alot of, but money I did not have an abundance of). Amy told her sister that "when you treat our mother with the love and respect that she deserves aftert loving us and raising us and always being there for us; then I will be your sister again after you apologize to our mother"...
      Well, that's enough of this awful subject...even the Cardiologist said to me after my heart attack...he said "You always have loved your daughters and they have been #1 in your life always and I could see that since they were little ones." He told me that my heart attack was a "true case of broken heart syndrome". He said it was a real and true heart attack but that my heart was so "broken" from the loss of a love that was once so great and real and then just "gone and lost in a flash(or so it felt)".  He knew me for many years and many of those years I brought my little girls to my appointments and he saw me with them and them with me. He saw the genuine love and bond that we had for each other and that Amy and I still have today.
    I pray and long for the day that there is a knock at my door or a phone call to my cell or home phone and it is my Jessy-belle on the other end telling me that she " is sorry and loves me infinitey" (we always used to tell each other that we loved each other "infinitey"). I can't wait to have this part of my life be over. I am in horrible, intractable pain daily from the Neurological disease that I acquired after that car accident. I have to take pain patches and pain medications just to be out of bed and moving! I would still keep the horrible "on fire" kind of nerve pain that I've had to deal with since that car accident and then getting RSD/CRPSII (and now "FULL BODY RSD/CRPSII")  than to continue with the pain of losing my child, my oldest daugher...forever..
   Anyone who really knows me and who's known me for any time at all, knows that I'm not crazy or unstable or awful. I'm a good mother and kind, loving person who always put my girls first. I had to have rules in our home. They were not too much or unkind or unloving in any way. They were rules to keep the girls safe and feeling loved and cared about. Anyways....to anyone who reads this blog..please...no matter what you do...it's not just you who raise your children; but the people who are around you and them as they grow up. The good and the bad people. Sometimes we don't realize that people are that "bad" until we step out of a situation. Hold onto your children, don't trust people who you know are bad inside but you 'want' them to be good! I don't know?? I thought I did the right things and look what happened to me ? I did my best and love these girls more than anything can be loved. I still "lost" my Jessica to "bad" people and "bad " behaviors/decisions on her part"  and now probably to guilt and still those same "bad" people that she says she's "forgiven" but what about me? I've always been there; whether it be in the middle of the night to hold back her long hair when she had the flu or when I was the ONLY parent clapping at a school function for her when they called out her name! I WAS THERE! Also to bring forgotten homework to school...I would leave my job in Ann Arbor at the University of Michigan Hospitals, drive 1/2 hour home to get her homework and then drive about 20 minutes to her school to drop it off for her so she wouldn't be in trouble with her teacher(s). Then I would drive back to my job about another 35-40 minutes from the school, to finish out my work day.
    I love my daughers! Both of my daughters! I will always love them both...and I pray for the day that we are together again. I have to keep learning how to live my life without her in it because what if she never comes back? It could happen and 7 years is a very long time. I will keep trying but it's hard every single day. That doesn't take away from the fact that I have a very loving and adoring husband of 14 yrs now, Craig; and a very loving, kind-hearted, special, sweet daughter at home, Amy who's going to graduate school and working part time and they both treat me wonderfully and love me. I am so happy for their love but I will continue to pray for things to get better so we can be a "whole" family again. I am never going to give up ! 
   Take a look at this little video of my daughter, Jessica from when she entered a contest for her profession of being a Hair stylist: 



Love and gentle hugs to you, Suzanne

This is Jessica's High School Graduation 2004, with everyone in it!!