Well the breezy days of Fall are upon us & Autumn is here to stay. Until Jack Frost brings his icy chill in the late days of October/early November while on his way to carry us into the dark 'n dismal, looooong 'n sleeeeeepy deep freeze days of January! OK...if that didn't sound depressing, then I don't know what does?? We could go at it a different way and say something like: Well the colorful ,breezy days of Fall are upon us & shades of Autumn leaves are here to stay. Until Jack Frost brings us to those "heavy sweater" days when we can sip hot cocoa with our soul-mate or dream thoughtfully with our own soul close to the crackling, cozy fireplace. As we await, once again.... the first Robin or dew drop to prove that warmth, sunshine and better days are coming.
You see....I really try my hardest to not dwell on the "bad", the "gloomy" or the things that I don't like. I do my very best to keep focused on what kinds of things I can do to feel better about any or all of the "bad" things that try to sneak into my life. I also try really hard NOT to write in my "open" blog, (this one) about bad, sad or negative things that might bring people down. I don't want to bring anyone down...I prefer to write an interesting story,teach people about something interesting or give people a new way to look at things.
You can think and feel that everything is wrong because you have had so many "bad" things happen during your lifetime. You might be in emotional and/or physical pain; even worse ....there might be great loss,sadness and/or illness following you and there seems to be no way to "shake" these negative feelings.
One way that I try to help myself feel better is to think of how much I do have instead of the loss I've gone through or the pain I have deep in my heart and soul. If I feel particularly awful one day, I do allow myself to feel bad for awhile and even cry a bit...but I really try to get myself back up and do something for someone else or even make something that could be for me or for somebody who would be cheered up by having it. It just feels like true and real life really is not about all of the horrible things that may have happened to you; but more about trying to dwell on the good and forcing yourself to turn the bad into something good. In my case, I was hurt badly in 2002, in a car accident. I was unconscious at the scene and endured many surgeries *(including: a pacemaker, titanium screws in my left shoulder, long thoracic nerve damage in the right, low back 3 herniated discs & many bulging discs. I had knee surgery, injections in my low back/spine, my knees,shoulders and more. I had prisms put in my eyeglasses,punctal plugs in my eyes, hearing aids to help the bi-neural/sensory neural hearing loss, and two "A.F.O's or braces for my feet/ankles. Along with all of this and more that I cannot even think of right now, I was in brain injury rehab for 3 years because I suffered an "MTBI" or "mild traumatic brain injury". That means that my short term memory is very bad "in the toilet" is how the Dr. put it on the documents! I cannot remember faces, numbers or "new" information. It's very frustrating and invokes much humiliation. People try to say to me "Oh I forget things all the time, don't worry!" or they may say "Oh yes, the older we get the more we forget and have "senior moments"..." NO NO no....it's just not the same! I cannot remember from the beginning of a page to the end of the next; and when I put the book down for a few days and go back to it then I am in ultimate frustration!
I lost my mother 3 months after that accident. I lost her to colon cancer. After that happened my father and brothers became more distant, abusive and meaner than ever before! They, along with my ex husband who was also abusive, in all of the ways possible ...banned together to help turn my oldest daughter away from me and though we had been so close when she was growing up, something happened along the way and the ultimate loss ocurred...the loss of HER! My oldest daughter, Jessy who was my "sunshine girl" (as I've always called her), the first born love of my life and my "baby girl". She was gone 2 years after the car accident, when she turned 18 and decided that she "didn't like our house rules" and also that she was "sick of my pain and surgeries,it was too depressing". I tried so hard not to complain too much or talk too much about myself, my pain or anything wrong with me. Instead I tried my hardest to be the best mom I could be because that's all I've ever wanted in life, is to be a mother. Somewhere along the line I lost her and she's gone now. I will never give up hope that she'll return and somehow understand all of the hurt and hopefully she'll realize what she's done and how we have so little time on this earth and time is nothing to waste.
I know it feels as though I'm talking about negative things and repeating things that have happened to me and things that are still happening in my life. If you wait just a moment and continue on, you'll see where I am coming from. After all of the above happened to me, I then had a mild heart attack in May of 2005. The Cardiologist who's known me and my daughters for years and years told me that I was his "first case of broken heart syndrome". He knows how much my daughters mean to me and how much they are and always will be my life, my joy and one of my major reasons for being able to be strong and survive and endure. Craig, my husband called Jessy and told her (about the heart attack) but she never called back. Then in 2006,I had a CVA or stroke (my atrial fibrillation in the heart let a small blood clot go to my brain and it caused this stroke to my right side;which was /is my weaker side from the car accident injuries also!). I was seen by a Neurologist, told what had happened after a CT scan and EEG's were done. Then I was sent back to life to go on with Physical therapy and trying to continue to be strong and endure. Lastly, in 2007 I had the last of five surgeries related to the car accident. This one was surgery on my right foot and ended up with Reflex Sympathetic dystrophy or "RSD/CRPS" and it has spread to "full body RSD/CRPSII" now. It's everywhere ...including: my mouth,eyes, ears, skin, knees, feet, hands etc...When I take a shower it feels like bullets are pelting me and the soft towel afterwards feels like sandpaper to my skin. I am in pain 24/7 though the medication has helped somewhat, I still can feel the physcial REAL pain. SSDI gave me disabiltiy first time around back in 1998 for PTSD for all of the abuse that I have endured in my lifetime. It seems as though each year that it's time to be checked again...something awful happens like : the heart attack,stroke and RSD! Now I've found out recently that I have a blood disorder, just the same as my mother had. It's called "Hypogammaglobulinemia" and I have very low white blood count. It makes me susceptible to bacterial infections etc. I'm in the process of finding out by different blood tests, if I am a candidate for IV-IG's or immunities given by IV's monthly for 3 to 4 hours each time.
OK, now you're saying..."hey, she said that she was not negative and all she wrote about was everything wrong!"....WEll...what I have done is this: I have forgiven those who've left/hurt me because of the "house rules" or because of my pain etc.
Then about 5 yrs ago I became a "chemo-angel" and that means that I get "assigned" a "buddy" or a person who is going through chemo-therapy. I send this person little "knick knacks", gifts and cards weekly. This is to cheer them up and help them through their painful time. They know nothing of my pain and I never speak of it to them. I only speak of good and positive things that will cheer them up. Many of them have stayed lifelong friends with me now and they will be with me forever as we've become very close (it is then, when they are out of the "program" and done with chemo, that I can share with them some of the information about me). Others choose not to do that and I'm able to accept that too. Either way I do it from my heart, expecting nothing in return! I also am a special assignment "angel", which means that I get daily emails about people who are having a hard time medically or in life and I send them small gifts and/or card just one time, each time and I choose who and what I want to accept for those assignments. I am also a jewelry creator/designer. I have put my creativeness to work by making jewelry when and if I am able due to the constraints of pain. I make a lot of support/awareness jewelry for many different "causes".
So you see, I can or could sit and cry every day and do nothing in my life but complain about how awful things are and have been. But I am choosing to "LIVE" and to try hard to be happy with my wonderful soul mate and husband and my youngest daughter,Amy to love and live with. I am choosing life and love and doing good things if/when I'm able. It helps me feel better about myself and about life in general. I still have my bad days when I feel like I cannot go on any longer...but I reach out to the people who do love me instead of dwelling on those who don't love me or want me in their lives!
Thank you for reading and if you know me well, thank you for being my friend or my loved one. I appreciate kindness, empathy and caring. I will always try to be a good listener, a loving and forgiving person with a big heart...big enough to forgive anyone who I've felt "hurt or wronged" by, if that is what is wished for or wanted! Thank you again and know that I am here if you should need a friend...Thank you again for reading ...and remember if you can do it even just a little...try to turn your anger, pain and hurt into doing something good for someone else because this will help make you feel much better psychologically and eventually even a little bit physically if you let it...love and Blessings...Suzanne
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| this is one of the breast cancer support bracelets I've made |
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| this is an Ovarian cancer support bracelet that I made |
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| this is a "multiple" support bracelet, I make for ppl who have many issues needing support |
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| this is an autism support necklace that I made |
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