I turned on my computer today and I went to “Facebook”, as usual. I try to keep it as upbeat and as helpful to others as possible. This past month I’ve had bit of a rough road health wise, *(as many other people do also) but I still try not to let it overcome my attitude or me as a person. I try hard to be a good friend and to be someone that people can look to for comfort, friendship and kindness; especially for my friends who are also in pain. I mean any kind of pain and not just the physical pain like what we have with the RSD/CRPS; but all of the different kinds of pain that we all experience: loss, sadness, illness, alone-ness, loss of people who we thought were our friends/family. Until we awaken one day and “ZAP”…just like that….they are gone from our “lives” no matter the “situation”…it still “hurts”. I think mostly because though we may not really “know” some of these “Friends”; somehow we feel “connected” to them in a special way. I do think that the “real” and “true” friends who even sometimes in some special way become our “chosen” family; they will be there for the long run! On the other hand, when it’s your biological family who “leaves” sometimes you just can’t get over something like that! Especially if you feel that you had always given 110%, you would never hurt them and lastly …all you’ve ever wanted to “BE” in your life is a “mother”; therefore if one child leaves, estranges herself from you, and from the family that raised her, loved her and was always there for her & she goes away and says horrible, untrue things about you and other things/people, it really hurts and Today I had a very strange experience when I first opened Facebook. I saw a picture of my aunt, my mother’s sister…staring me right in the face. It was all a bit “eerie” for a moment. It took my breath away because she somewhat resembles my mother in some of her appearance. My mom has been deceased now since Dec 22, 2002, from colon cancer and of course that would be a strange feeling. I wanted to “rush” to “Friend” her and then I stopped. What I saw on the right side of the page was that my cousin, “M” who is a dear friend of mine also and seems to really stick up for me when the “Family” (biological) attacks me verbally in front of her. Though she is “friends” with all of the aunts, uncles, cousins etc and I am the “outcast”. Her daughters and husband are always there with a big hug and a kiss and a lot of love for me and for Amy and Craig too! This is the cousin who also drives me to appointments when I just cannot find another way and I offer her either some gas money or lunch out. It’s kind of cute because she’ll usually take the “gas” money and then use it for lunch out!! LOL
I guess I usually try not to speak of sad things or these kinds of things that hurt and bother me , on this blog. I save this sort of thing for my “private” blog that has a very short list of about 10 people that have permission to read it.Mostly because it’s just a little too personal but I need to write for “real” and this way I get the best of both worlds. This blog is usually more upbeat, fun and adventurous one. But at times, like today,, I get a bit serious and have to let it out on here also….so that people can know the real me and the different “dimensions” that are a part of who I am.
If I had to sum up in just a sentence, what I wanted most out of life …my life…forever and ever…it would be that I wanted always to love and be loved and I most definitely wanted to me a “mommy” since as far back as I can remember. I had my firstborn daughter named when I was 11 yrs old and babysitting for a family with 2 and then 3 little girls. My firstborn was always going to be “Jessica Lauren”. I love the name, it’s beautiful sounding and music to my ears. I just knew the girl “wearing” that name, “my” girl, my “sunshine girl” …was going to just be the most darling, most loved and most wonderful baby ever born. That Is until I had my 2nd baby girl and then there was another “miracle”, “sweet pea” and love of my life daughter, who actually had 3 names when she was born and I just couldnt' choose and my husband, at the time (who’ my ex now since 1992) said that “any of them would be fine with him. So I chose Amy Burnett after my grandmother from Scotland’s sister and my middle name, my grandmothers’ middle name and my great –great grandmothers maiden name from Scotland where they lived. I love their names and think they are just beautiful and suit each of their personalities…just perfectly!
Well, it’s the middle of the night again and I find myself up and awake starting to jibber and jabber and not making any sense at all. I think I’ll finally be able to sleep now…because I’m nodding off as I sit here trying to make sense out of a world that just doesn’t makes much sense sometimes….right? Thanks for stopping by and don’t forget your “cuppa tea”….next time! G’nite friends… with love, SuzyQ…..more later…..love you….and be kind because someone else may be hurting just like you !!! xo
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